please see my thread under this topic titled "he is changing his mind" h told me last night after his first counseling session, that he loves OW not me. He never knew what love really was until her. she is a 10 and I am only around a 6. says he does realize how much I love him and how much this hurts me but does he stay for the sake of the kids and our 25 years together and be sad or does he go and make us sad? he says it is a feeling he has for her and he cannot make it go away. I gave him articles from internet explaining the theory of withdrawal from the OW and that the relationship is not based in reality only fun and fantasy but he is not open to this, believes he is the exception and this is the real deal. He is using HOnesty to hurt me so I will make him leave. He has said in as many ways as he can that she is just better for him than I am and that he has play acted for the last 25 years.He has moved back into my home and caused more financial burden by purchase of a new truck for son and a satelite dish for home. also added back on to car insurance. do i have him leave or wait for him to leave or tell him i want 6 months of counseling and effort put into being a couple and family and if after 6 months he still feels the same i will accept his decision. is this wrong, dont i deserve some effort. he says i have done nothing wrong, nothing to fix, it is just my personality, hers is better for him. says they were friends for a couple of years before A. they talked about everything, leaving me in the dark. please help.
Dear Debra, Your title compels me to write, even though I am not an expert. I do sense, though, that you are coming onto him too much. Here are some things which I know are right to do from reading Michele's books, from getting advice on this website, and from talking to the phone counsellor on this website:
First of all, stop talking to him about the relationship. Just stop asking him anything. I think that maybe the more you move towards him the more he is moving away. I was told "if you ask him questions and get him into a corner, he will bolt". I know it is different for you because of the OW, but I wonder if talking about it may be pushing him towards her even more.
I was told "he needs to start guessing". That is, you do your own thing--don't tell him you love him (he knows that)--start doing things which you will enjoy. He needs to look and say "she is intriguing".
I know that a lot of people (professionals and from this website) have told me "he doesn't know what he wants".
They say we need to become very good actresses. I would suggest that if you don't get any response here you try the MLC thread. I had a lot of support there, and because of the time of life for your H, it probably is appropriate.
I'm just pretty sure you will drive him away the more "needy" you are.
The best thing I did was to pay out and talk for an hour to the counsellor from this website. A lot of thoughts fell into place. She helped me a lot. I am not home and clear yet, but my H said a month ago he was definitely leaving and hasn't gone yet.
...and another thing, Debra--a new affair is always going to be far more exciting than a 25-year old marriage. Of course she is a 10 and you are 6. I think your 6 is pretty good when you look at it like that.
Ise guy is very good, because he sees things from a male perspective. If I were you I would try to get his attention on a thread, and establish if your guy is in mid-life crisis, or start reading.
I know that I would personally try to seduce him into bed when he comes home. Men apparently feel more loving from connecting through sex, as opposed to women who need to feel loving to have sex. This is not a divorce-busting technique, just me. All's fair in love and war.
