quote:Originally posted by rayanne: The book kinda sounds like male bashing to me. Makes one wonder what the author's personal history is.
Yeah. It sounds like it. The author is divorced (happened when she "woke up." Other than the male bashing, though, there is some sense to it. I don't think W will buy the male bashing any more than she now does, though.
I've been reading some more. Still going along the same vein, but I know it gets into other things later.
An interesting thing happened yesterday. Don't know if I'm reading this correctly, but we were chatting about the book, perimenopause, etc. W said she'd like to re-establish contact with my step-mom. I'm hoping W is looking for another perspective, and some advice - either on how to "handle" me, or on how to handle peri.
In any case, my step-mom is very "liberated" and liberal minded. However, she's also very balanced in her views. She once told me that she'd gone through a "radical feminism" stage, and would be willing to discuss it with my W. I'm hoping that this discussion will come to pass.
Right now, I'm just feeling rejected and lonely. Whether it's hormones, or W's burgeoning self awareness, she just doesn't have (or at least show) any feelings for me.
ANS, Probably would be good if W would talk to your mom. It would give her another female perspective. I'm sure her discontent really has very little to do with you. That still sort of leaves you in the same place at the moment, huh? Sorry you are feeling so down! ((((ANS)))) Hope tomorrow is better!
I haven't been posting a lot lately. Sometimes I just don't want to think about all the negative stuff and I need a break from the constant reminders that my life is such a mess. (Now, how's that for being negative!!) Really, things are not so bad. At least H knows what a jerk he was and is trying his best to make things right. He's still as much of a mess as I am, but I'm really trying to not say anything about the A or our R. I think that's been working pretty well.
I hate to hear you sounding so down. There's not much I can say -- no words of wisdom -- to ease your pain. Just know that we're all here to lean on. That's why I keep coming back. I really need everyone's support.
Have you left yet on our business trip? Is that why you're so down?
Right now, it’s my greatest hope that W gets another female perspective. Particularly my step-mom’s. She knows me. She knows my W. She knows menopause. And, she knows relationships. She’s an amazingly wise person. But, like I said, I may be reading too much into my W’s desire to contact her. I really hope not.
It’s so difficult to determine how much of her discontent has to do with me. She tells me that she spent a lot of time crying whilst I was gone. I was gone a lot in the past 10 years. I worked very hard. If it wasn’t overtime, it was weekends (and weeknights) away with the Naval Reserve. All of this work was exhausting, so I wasn’t “there” to help around the house, or help with the kids. When we went on vacation (her parents’ cottage), I didn’t feel at home, so I retreated into computer games and books. It’s only now that I realize how much she wanted me to “be there.” At the same time, I wasn’t meeting her needs for affection. She asked for it… holding hands, a “one-minute kiss” when I got home from work, etc. I was happy to accommodate, but she sees this as giving her affection on my timetable.
I know it wasn’t as bad as the way she paints it, but this is the way she remembers the past 10 years. How can I argue otherwise?
Saturday, she was out for most of the day. I spent the time washing floors, doing dishes, etc. with S#1. These are the types of things that I never did for her, so these are the types of things that I’m trying to do more of. Sometimes, it seems like too little, too late.
And, one thing that is a big possibility is that her book is correct with respect to perimenopause heightening her sense of injustice. The book calls this wisdom. A woman who has buried her own needs because she’s been conditioned by society and hormones to be the nurturer/fixer must listen to the wisdom of her body when it rebels against this. The funny thing is that over the past 10 years, I’ve told W that she should take care of herself first, OR (and me) second, and the kids third. My reasoning was that the kids will be happier if they see their parents in a good R, and we can’t have a good R if she’s not happy.
So, yeah. I guess all of this leaves me in the same place. DBing over the past year, I’ve taken great comfort in the baby steps. Looking at the long term, I’ve come a long way. For example, yesterday, we went to a movie with MF and his W. Seems like we can only go out if it’s with them, or at least him. But next week they’re going to be out of town. W thinks that maybe we should see a movie. We could ask TF and his W. “Or”, she said, “We could go alone.”
Yes, things have improved. But, it’s not enough. We were on my timetable. Now, we’re on her timetable. I only wish I knew how long it’s going to take to establish our timetable.
Matilda,
I know exactly what you mean. I haven’t been posting much to other threads lately. Partly because I don’t want to spread my own negativity, and partly because I don’t want to “catch” negativity from others.
Thank you very much for dropping by, despite my negative outlook. I really appreciate it.
It doesn’t look like the travel will happen. Seems like I can do most of my work from here.
On a happier note, S#1 won his first karate tournament medal. He got a silver in katas (forms). My karate is getting better, too. I was complimented by a sensei on Saturday. I don’t do tournaments, still have a long way to go. I had injured my leg, and am playing catch-up in the flexibility department. Doesn’t help to be 40-something, either
ANS, Oh please don't start believing somebody else's propaganda. I think female hormones are blamed for way too much! I'm 50, haven't gone through menopause and don't feel like me hormones have given me any false impressions of anything. Women are meant to be nurturing for crying out loud. Not yelling at you, just stating my opinion, okay?
Congratulations on both your and your son's Karate accomplishments! Actually forty something sounds pretty good to me!
I'm not so much buying into the propaganda as yearning for it. Not the part where everything's my fault, but I'm so desparate to believe that when W steps off the hormonal roller coaster, we can re-establish our R. Even if it's a completely new R.
My W is 41. She's been having the physical symptoms of menopause for perhaps 10 years. Could be something else (like thyroid), but if it's not at least partially hormonal, then it really is me.
ANS, Something is wrong for sure, but I really doubt it is you. ((((ANS)))) I agree that hormones can play a big part in physical things, but I think sometimes they are used as an excuse for emotional things.
Thirty-one would have been awfully young for W to be going through too many hormonal changes, but it does happen sometimes.
I had a close friend that had a real problem with a hypo-thyroid condition. I'm not going to discuss her sex life, but it did have some implications. She also got very depressed and gained weight.
I think often just depression makes one not very interested in sex.
I really don't think the problem is with you, Sweetie. It hard not to take some of this stuff personally sometimes though, huh? ((((ANS))))
I’m trying to keep an open mind. If it’s not me, and it’s not hormones, what’s left? My W? I tend to think it’s a little of all of them, but we all know that there’s only one of these things that I can work on.
You’re right, rayanne. It’s hard not to take it personally.
I’ve heard a lot about hyperthyroid. Some posts on this thread as well as emails from DBers. I’m also wondering if W’s perimeno is a misdiagnosis. I can’t discuss it with W since she already told me that she considers this a very personal matter.
I guess that right now, I’m pinning my hopes on the possibility that as W educates herself, she’ll consider getting a complete set of hormone tests. At the same time, I’m hoping that my efforts to become a good H and friend will help bury the hurt (real or perceived) that I inflicted on her. Finally, I hope that I’ll have the strength not to hold my hurt against her.
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