My Sitch: me, 46, W 43. Married 14 years. 2 kids, elementary school. 3 years ago W dropped the bomb on me with “not in love anymore,” “nothing but roommates” oh, and another man, EA and PA. She moved out and continued w/ OM. Extreme ups and downs for the next few months and she eventually filed for divorce.
Early on I discovered DB and DBd my ass off, both books and this site... It did work, and she came home. (TIP: when she came back, said that she went crazy for a while, and no matter what she was going through, she knew that I was always there for her, even when she was treating me like s**t.) The next year or so was rocky. I discovered EA with OM continued for a while and we had some extreme problems. That is over now and has been for 18 or so months. Out relationship is now very good, I think.
Now the problem, our sex life SUCKS. Before all the above happened, it was OK. Over the last year or so, we do it once or so a week but she is not into it at all. I tend to be a bit fast, so before, I always used my hands and mouth in foreplay to try to get her there before me. Now, she basically just wants me to stick it in and be done. She won’t let me touch her, caress her, or anything. She won’t even kiss (w/ tongue) me anymore. Kisses are limited to a quick peck. (As an aside, I think the OM was much better inn bed than I was/am.)
When I was going through this before, this board was extremely helpful and in turn, I would like to think that I offered some good advice as well. Well, I’m back now, and would appreciate any and all input. My W is extremely beautiful, and I have always loved her. It literally kills me to think that she doesn’t want me like sexually anymore. Thanks for your help.
Hi WAW fighter....Congratulations...I'm soooo happy you were able to rebuild your marriage.
I'm assuming your wife hasn't given you any clues as to what isn't working for her.....because you have DBing skills and you would have done what she has asked. Have you read Sex Starved Marriage?
My intuition...is that you're right...she experienced a different style that she prefers, and your touch needs adjustment. You CAN learn this... Now...does that mean faster, harder or slower softer, I don't know. You will have to experiment. Maybe she'd like gels or toys as well? Is she willing to talk (again..I assume you have tried that)
and that is not enough to go on here.....so let's get you some more input....
In the meantime I'll checked my SSM for resources....If you don't have it...why don't you get her book. Maybe some of the men's magazines have some good ideas as well.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Not only recently, but for our entire marriage, every time I have ever tried talking to her about sex she gets extremely defensive and not much comes of it. I once gave her the book Hot Monogamy with a card in which I wrote how I felt but she basically just blew it off and never even opened the book.
Regarding trying different things, as I said, she barely lets me touch her. It’s basically just in and out.
I have read SSM, but it’s been a while and perhaps I should re-read it. I’ll try The Playbook.
Your wife sounds to me as though she is being as obvious as possible to tell you: I don't want sex with you *this way*.
Now what "this way" is, I don't know. But really, from the female perspective she's screaming this nonverbally. The way that you described her sounds like how I would imagine myself to be if I was angry at my H for just "using me" as a "sex toy" basically and so I made it clear to him by saying "may as well just stick it in since that's all you want anyway muthafucka". This is my take on your sitch. I am speaking in blunt terms to accentuate my point, please forgive the rudeness of my post. My guess would be that your wife wants you to show her her own desirability outside of the bedroom. That the bedroom is just an *extension* of how you feel about her. Let her know how sexy she is to you, how gorgeous and desirable you find her, how mesmerizing her voice is when you speak on the phone, etc. And definately go SLOW when you do have sex. Because sometimes to us women, the fast pace comes off as insensitive to our needs (I know that you are not insensitive, just saying how someone may react to it). One caveat: Be genuine about it.
Amber, don't worry about misspellings, I don’t think “muthafucka” shows up in spell check anyway.
I though very hard about your post and I really don’t think that’s it. Throughout our entire marriage, I have always been very considerate and have always told her, in more ways than one, how beautiful she is and how much I think of her, even when I wasn’t looking for sex!
I’m not saying I’m perfect, after all we were separated and I learned that she was the typical WAW partially because I wasn’t listening, as is so common. I have worked hard on correcting that, and am slowly getting better.
Even when she initiates, it feels like she is thinking that she knows I “need” sex and she will oblige because she loves me, and thinks that me just getting off is satisfying enough. I don’t know how to communicate to her that I really need so much more as she is not receptive to talking about it and she stops me from doing more than, well, pardon the bluntness, just “sticking it in.” (She barely even kisses me anymore, which is extremely painful in and of itself.)
You got some great suggestions for books already. Another great option is talking to our Divorce Busting coaches....ask to speak to Joann or Dotty, as they are expertly skilled in the techniques Michele Weiner-Davis wrote about in The Sex-Starved Marriage. Your DB Coach will give you advice and direction to help you rekindle your sex life. Good luck!
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
Hey sgctxok, I can't find "The Playbook for Men about Sex" on Amazon except for some 1970s 30 page book by Joani Blank. Could it be called something else or am I not looking in the right place? Thanks
