It has been a long time since I logged in and decided today was a good day to let everyone know how things are going. I had lots of advice from some really great people when I wrote that I had discovered my H's affair back in March. Just a quick reminder. He met a woman in another state while playing in a golf tournament in April 2000 and started an affair in November 2000. He was only with her a few times because of the distance and other circumstances. He told me that he loved me and had never stopped. He also told me that he didn't love her and had never told her that he did (her letters I read to him backed this up). I decided that 32 years of loving this man and beibg married to him was worth too much to end over a brief affair. The love was deeper than the hurt. I forgave him and we had several long talks (something we had stopped doing). He admits that he messed up really bad and that there is no excuse for what he did to me. We did have one problem pop up but that is taken care of now. When he called her (with me on the extension) and broke off the affair back in March I thought that would be the end of EVERYTHING (phone calls,emails,cards,letters). He told me that it was completely over. Well,I know for a fact he has not seen her since but I did find out the 4th of July that he was still getting emails from her and he was answering some of them. He even emailed her a birthday card. I immediately confronted him with this and we discussed why he felt the need to try and stay "friends" with a woman he committed adultry with. I swear for an intelligent man he can be so CLUELESS!! He honestly didn't see anything wrong with a friendly email every now and then!! He says he told her that we were doing great and he was happier than he'd been in along time (I saw this email so I know that's true). Anyway,I calmly told him that in order for US to work he couldn't have her in his life in ANY WAY!! I told him that if he didn't have feelings for this woman it should be easy for him to put her COMPLETELY and TOTALLY out of his life. He doesn't like ultimatiums but in this case I felt I had every right to issue one. I told him that he had to decide what was more important to him - me and our relationship or maintaining a friendship with this woman. He said that I was the most important thing in his life and he thought I knew that. He did send her one more letter telling her that there was to be no more contact at all between them. He told her that he was dedicated to keeping our marriage on track and that he had hurt me too much and was going to do whatever he could to make it up to me. He said that there couldn't be anything between ever again - not even friendship. She sent him a "good-bye" letter. I have several reasons to believe that all has stopped now (it's too long and complicated to go into but I do believe him this time). We took a nice vacation back in July.This was our first vacation together in 2 years!! We spent part of it alone but part of it we spent with one of our sons and his wife. This week we are going on a romantic get-away!! I have lost 60 pounds and I am getting my self confidence and self esteem back from the battering it took because of his infidelity. He tells me how proud of me is is for losing the weight and he tells me how good I look. I still have to work on the trust issue and there are times when I still get a bit down when I think about what happened but those times are getting fewer and farther apart. I know everybody's case is different and some people cannot forgive an infidelity. I used to think that adultry was the one thing I could never forgive until it happened to me. I knew that I loved my H enough to forgive him and get over it. I discovered that I was a stronger person that I thought and I also discovered that my love for my H was deeper than even I knew. I still have some things to work through and he has some things he needs to work on but he is trying so hard and so am I. We are doing so many of the things we used to do but had stopped doing. It's strange how just little things mean so much. I am happier and I can tell that my H is too. In fact every now and then he will tell me that he appreciates everything I do for him and how good it makes him feel to come home from a 12 hour work day and be greeted by a happy,smiling wife who hugs him,kisses him,and tells him how happy she is to have him home. He used to never tell me he appreciated anything I did so I eventually quit doing them. Like I told him everbody needs to hear the words every now and then. So thanks again to everybody who wrote words of encouragement and advice. I hope that maybe my story might help someone who is undecided as to whether or not to try and save their marriage after an affair.
It is so nice to see a happy ending. You are a strong woman. Question: my H had an EA with an individual he has never seen in person. They have not talked since last of September now I gave ultimatum he agreed.. so on. Sometimes I believe they have not talked sometimes I don't, I am still working on that. I our next counseling session I am suppose to tell my husband what I need to have from him when it comes to that EA for me to put it aside behind us while we are working on the marriage. I feel it is the hardest thing to do. Is there anything in particular that helped you? Did it help you seeing the letter the OW wrote to your H? The letters he wrote to her? Did you ever ask 'WHY' even though we always sort of have the idea of why.. Trying to figure this out before next week.
