Hello all, this is my first post to the forum. I have been reading another thread by a member nelywed I believe, and the thread just stopped so I couldn’t follow up. Anyway, my situation is almost verbatim to his. This is my second marriage, and perhaps I jumped back in too soon. This post is my last resort of sorts. We have talked and talked, and recently tried counseling with no success. I've read books, talked to friends, etc.
So here's my story: We wed the middle of last year, about 28 days prior to moving into a new bigger home together. I have partial custody of my 12 year old son, she has 2 teen daughters full time. She a widow of 15 years, me a recently divorced dad. We met in 2005, shortly after our relationship began trouble soon developed it would seem in hind sight. We started dating around March of that year and things generally went very well. We didn’t seem to have a whole lot of time for each other, we both live pretty busy lives. About six months to a year into this relationship she asked if she could move in with us (me and my part time son) into my then 3 bedroom house. I declined as I felt this was not a good idea.
About this time was the beginning of the end so to speak. She was very upset about it, and called me to tell me she was moving back to her home town, quitting her job and just didn’t want to live in this town anymore, etc. To sum it up this hurt her alot. Well for whatever reason we really never broke up, things just kept rolling as usual, and she changed her mind about leaving the state, and that she was ok. We kept seeing each other, and doing fun things together, and pretty much enjoyed each others company. We were both very into each other, and the relationship was very physical, and at one point she would only come over for sex, then leave shortly after, this was very odd, but certainly wasn’t any cause for alarm. This pattern continued for a while, and the relationship seemed to get stronger as time went on.
Well about a year into the relationship we started to talk about getting married, and we both wanted to live together still, just that we needed a bigger house to pull that off. So shortly thereafter, in the winter of 06 I proposed. We set a wedding date of July that following year. About this same time I started to notice our relationship was lacking. We would barely spend any time together. I was always running like crazy trying to balance time with my son, the selling and buying of the houses, cleaning up financial stuff, etc. She suddenly became very busy with her job and kids, and our time together was very minimal. So we talked about it, and I expressed my need to be with her more, and that I felt a need to spend more time together. She expressed the same. This is why we were focused on living together.. It seemed we would talk, but nothing would really change. I would go to her place as much as possible, usually taking my son to her place to spend our time there at her place, as time was limited. I noticed more and more she would push me away in bed, and if I didn’t go to her house, we never spent time together. I felt the flame had gone out, but when we would talk about it she just said I am insecure and things will be better when we live together, etc.. I called her out on the pushing away, and never coming to see me, and basically blowing me off for lunch dates, dinner, etc. We even went on a vacation to mexico hoping this would spark things again, well no such luck!
Well when I started to feel that real 'distant' feeling I started to be concerned.. Hell there were weeks that I wouldn’t even know where she was, never answers her phone, never called back till days later. One day we were a happy content couple, having sex several times a week, to a 'distant' couple that had sex maybe once or twice a month, and rarely spent any time together. Really nothing to lose sleep over, but I was still a little put off by the sudden indifference. We would talk, I would express my desire for more time together and more sex and then she just went into back off mode, and accused me of only wanting sex. She expressed she was upset that we weren’t spending as much time together, and I agreed and that we need to work on that (sound like a broken record yet).
Well time just went on, and we soon found ourselves in a sex starved relationship. Even though we would talk about it, nothing seemed to change. She indicated that times are just hard, and that once we finally live together everything would be ok and things would fall back into place. I expressed that her indifference to it all wasn’t very comforting, but that sex isn’t everything in our relationship and things just kept rolling along. I was still concerned she seemed to have no desire to spend time with me, but when I would call her out she always had some excuse, work, the kids, phone was dead, lost the phone, etc..
Well by the time we moved in with each other a few months later, things only got worse. I won’t bore you with the petty crap, but basically we weren’t very comfortable living together. Things just spiraled down fast. So we had a long talk about two weeks before the wedding date. I expressed was hesitant about getting married to someone who seemed to have no desire to be with me. Her behavior was and still is very odd. She exhibits traits that I usually associate with enemies, or like she was very angry with me. But when we would talk, she would be stunned I would think she was mad. The patterns just worsened, it seemed neither of us really even wanted to be home. When I would come home, she would generally be asleep already, or gone. We talked a lot, and we would express our issues about each other. She was and still is very uncomfortable with how I handle money. She feels I am very irresponsible in general. I was always nagging about how filthy the house was, and that nothing ever seemed to get done. She accused me of being overly critical and selfish, so I basically shut my mouth. She indicated she didn’t want to be around me if all I was going to do was criticize her about everything.. Some examples are: never answering her phone, not calling when she would be out of town for days, leaving messes, food, dirty dishes, clothes, used feminine products all over the house.. I won’t get into details but I was having a hard time adjusting to living together, as was she. I personally am very neat and tidy, I live a somewhat structured life, and I plan everything in staking detail, she on the other hand feels life is messy and chaotic and to just cope with it. So rather than try and make sense of any of it, I bite my tongue every day. She feels I am too anal, and not an accepting person. She felt I was just too selfish about things and to give it time, she was very confident things would work out. I was generally confident myself as whenever we would talk, things looked good after talking it through. Even though I couldn’t make any sense why sex seemed to vanish from our relationship, she did have a good reason why at each stage, so it would seem.
Well we went ahead and got married as planned. Things generally went on as usual, and we did our best to get along well in the home. We just resolved to do nothing together most of the time. We both enjoy our own space, I personally spend most my time in my shop, around the yard, and doing things that just need to get done. I would always spare time for her at any opportunity, but generally her body language is always the same: go away… Well I am not the brightest guy there is (as you may have noticed LOL) so I really just figured she has issues outside of me that effect her need to be with her mate, or physical contact. Many conversations she mentioned she feels she is menopausal, low libido, etc.. fyi she is 32, I am 40.. So I just figured things would be ok, and I started reading books on how to re energize your marriage.. You know the books people that have been married 50 years read to try and rediscover sex…. Lol Ok maybe extreme but after reading some of them I started to wonder that the hell I was doing. As most the time they referred to couples that have been married several years if not decades. We have been married just a few months at this time mind you.
About this same time I didn’t something I know I shouldn’t have done and bascily refret doing it. I read the text messages on her phone. Where I found a message to her male boss (that she coincidentally has a closer relationship to than me, her husband) that read: “well if I was there, I would massage you”. Probably some harmless flirting, but to her boss?? Who she has been rumored to be sleeping with since before I came into the picture. Well before I reacted with anger and blew things out of proportion, I decided to go to a therapist after a struggle of even finding one that could see me. I was pretty much ready to file for divorce at this point, there were way too many coincidences that still to this day do not add up. Well she got pissed when I told her I went on my own to see a therapist, and I explained I didn’t feel it was as much her problem as it was mine. I was at my wits end, five months of marriage, and I felt like she had both feet out the door, and was just to nice to tell me!
Well counseling was a joke… The first round he told us we need to set time aside for “quality talk”… So we both realized this was not something we were going to do.. Well after practically begging her to go to the next session she did, and we asked to try something else. The therapist was very upset, even though he told us it was good we were honest about not doing what he told us to do, but that it was going to require some real effort on our parts to make this work. Well she basically back peddled to the point of leaving town for a work trip the night of out next scheduled session. So now we have blown that off. It seems evident she has no desire to even try at this point, and I have very little energy left. This marriage has literally drained me mentally, im at risk of losing my job, my house, and everything I worked so hard for this past year. She is at risk of being kicked out. She is well aware of that, and instantly changed her tune with the therapist as soon as she released I wasn’t just going to go along with our usually “ya lets work on that” discussions.
So im not really sure why I am writing this, im sure most if not all know the answer is very clear that we both made a horrible mistake. We got married out of pure love, but now that love has gone away, im very open about the fact she seems to hate me now, she has openly stated she has no respect for me, I do not deserve respect, and that I need to earn it first. I have no idea what else I can do to “deserve” ones respect. Talking just seems to send us in circles every time. Every discussion is exactly the same.. “yes it’s broken, we need to fix it, everything will be fine”, and it’s usually over petty things.
To sum things up, my feeling is that yes we both have flaws some are harder to live with than others. What I don’t understand is how I drove her to have absolutely no desire to be with me, and she despises me to touch her, and sometimes it seems she doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me. I understand she has deep issues with some of the things I do, but I am doing the exact same things I was when we met. I still spend time outside of our relationship doing the same things I’ve always done, usually involves time doing things with my son, and my motorsports hobby. So why would she have issues with this now, and not in the very beginning? Sometimes I question if we really know who we married, cause I know a certainly don’t anymore.
So assuming anyone took the time to read this short novel, do you think there is any hope? I feel we are now just wasting our time. What do you think?
I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am wondering what you would really like to do? Are you wanting to work to save your marriage?
Have you read Sex-Starved Marriage or Divorce Remedy?
If you are interested in building your marriage, my best advice is that you call Michele's office for coaching. On the board we can give you suggestions and support, but we are NOT PROFESSIONALS on the board, and you have had a difficult situation from the onset of your relationship. You will be better off getting professional advice.
I am wishing you all kinds of peace and happiness...
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
To sum things up, my feeling is that yes we both have flaws some are harder to live with than others. What I don’t understand is how I drove her to have absolutely no desire to be with me, and she despises me to touch her, and sometimes it seems she doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me. I understand she has deep issues with some of the things I do, but I am doing the exact same things I was when we met. I still spend time outside of our relationship doing the same things I’ve always done, usually involves time doing things with my son, and my motorsports hobby. So why would she have issues with this now, and not in the very beginning? Sometimes I question if we really know who we married, cause I know a certainly don’t anymore.
I have to agree with hairdog...professional counseling may not be the answer. We have been to 3 and none of them helped us in the long run.
Your thoughts are very negative, and I have to ask if these are your thoughts or has she actually said these things to you? My H often assumes negative things that aren't true. We've made efforts to try and sit down and talk more, but they always fall by the wayside due to our crazy logistics and relative illnesses.
Bottom line - it sounds like YOU want to work on and save the marriage. You need to find out if your W does.
Yes I agree as well, we have been to counseling 3 times. She really isnt on board with that far as I can tell, and it is hard to get behind some of his concepts I have to admit so im not really sure what to do.
Well I know it sounds negative, and it pretty much is, she would agree if asked. She has told me she does not respect me. She denies any hate when we talk about it, but her actions speak volumes to indicate otherwise. For example, she doesnt even like to sleep in the same bed, says it hurts her back/hip I move to much, etc. She generaly is just 'absent' most the time. Usualy her job weighs heavy on her mind, and I accomidate by giving her the space she needs, I can totaly respect that. But yet her issues (with me direct) are I dont spend enough time with her, im not attentive to her needs, not emotionaly available, and she feels I am not accepting of her. I try to be these things, and often I feel they are unwarranted... i.e. I try to always be 'available' to her if she is having a struggle, but I get the feeling she just doesnt want to talk about whataver it may be, and she relies on her boss to provide emotional closeness/support, either out of habit, or I really am just not available to her in the way she feels she needs. And I try to understand what she needs, and provide that, but it's always like she just doesnt care or need my time, attention, or touch, or ..well.. anything. She has always pride herself on being a "low maintenence" woman, and she is a very independent person, but there is a drastic change from when we were dating. A change large enough I feel we need to address it and deal with it together, but everytime we talk, she feels there are no problems, everything is fine, and im just insecure/typical horny male.. She has made it clear she does not need sex, she wants sex, but that is VERY rare. This again, very different as time has gone on, and worsening.
So not to ramble TOO LATE lol , but I dont know at this point if she wants to work on it.. It's difficult when we talk, that she denies there is anything wrong. She did talk alot during the counseling and it seemed clear in that setting there were things wrong in her mind with our relationship. She felt that I 'tricked her' into loving me.. This was funny, and I still have to laugh at it, but a sure sign she isnt the happy camper she portrays when we talk.. and the total loss of desire is the biggest red flag you can wave in my face, i am a very affectionate and physical person. This is one of the main reasons she was attracted to me so much in the first place.
So I am stumped, because when we talk she says yes she wants to do whatever it takes to fix things. Yet when it comes time to actualy DO something, it's just too much work.. i.e. "do we have to go to counceling tonite?". I feel like im just digging a bigger hole by making any effort, sort of like acknowledging we have a problem becomes the problem in a way. I think we struggle alot, because I cant find consistency her words don't match her actions. Yet one of the things she stated she needs is consistency.. ???
I feel like this is some really sick riddle, that if I try hard enough ill find the magic thing im doing wrong, not doing, doing too much, whatever, and then everything will fall into place. I just dont know if i will ever unravel the mystery in this lifetime. I cant make anyone "like" me, and I don't want to be the 'manipulator' either, but how long do we go on in a stagnant dysfunctional relationship?? My last hope is by reading the numerous other marriages that are in the exact same boat, that something might click, or I will understand that we are just another two that made a very big mistake and we can change that and move forward with our lives. She is a very beautiful woman, she can round up another cowboy, I just need to know when to set her free, if thats really deep down what she wants. At this point I am totaly at a loss to know if she does or not... Sorry to ramble on AGAIN!
I guess I just cant be that harsh to file papers and tell her to start packing. I wish i could be that black and white about this, but I can't. But I totaly feel that deep inside, not to mention most my friends have said the same thing, end it, move on, problem solved...
One of the first bits of advice I ever gave on this site finally gets to be reused. If YOU are not happy with how your marriage is going then there IS something wrong. Your wife may be content with things but if you're not, something should be done to fix it if that's what you want.
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Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
