save a spot, will be here at some point

[MotherMovingOn]

I second everything Oltimer has said.

I just went through a divorce myself. We each had our own lawyers and then "mediated" the final settlement rather than going to court. It was pricey--I ended up paying about 8 thousand in legal fees for myself (don't know what exh paid). In the grand scheme of things though, I benefited more than 8K in things the lawyer negotiated for me, so it was worth it. Don't let the price of a L scare you--get a good one and get yourself protected. Won't your H be gob smacked to learn things are not going according to his plan. Take charge my dear, no reason not to at this point.

Of course he is scared that you will take him to the cleaners. He is seeing things from behind his own twisted morality, not yours. Mine was the same way even though I had never been sneakly or dishonest with him, he simply assumed I would try to rake him over the coals after what he had done--it's all about their guilt. Don't worry about it. Do what's right for you, don't try to do him any "favors." Assure him once that your lawyer works for you and will handle things the way you tell him/her to and you do not want an acrimonious divorce and leave it at that. He will try to persuade and manipulate you to do it his way, but you have learned too much from being here to let him get away with that...right!?

Assume he is with the ow, big whoop. Seriously, that has nothing to do with the divorce. At this point Cat, the divorce is for you--time to take control of your own life. He is used to running the show and so he assumes you'll do what he wants you to. Frankly, all the WAH's I've seen function the same way in this regard--they have a preconceived reality based on how they have functioned in the past and how we have reacted and truly think everything will go to plan. It's always such a huge shock when they realize they are not in control of us anymore and their manipulative tactics don't work anymore.

I cannot tell you the freedom and power you will feel when you start really steering this ship for yourself. Okay, I understand, you didn't want the divorce before and you did everything you could to save the marriage. I applaud your efforts and think you had way more patience than many of us. But you need to get out of that mindset now. Take back the power! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ANGERING HIM! This divorce is now for YOU and not to "help" him. It may be what he wants, and that has now become your reality, but you have the power o make many of your pown choices here--please do so.

Like OT said this is a business deal--don't let the emotions cloud your view on that.

No divorce is pretty. Just accept that and do what you need to do for you and the kids. Trust me when I tell you--there is a light at the end of this nightmare and it is dazzling and wonderful.

Stay strong!
Althea

[cat03]

Not taking care of yourself in the D is not in your interest or in your children's. He is worried about MONEY and GETTING IT DONE.

thanks for the wake up call OT, so glad to see you visiting my thread)))))))))

Just read on this board another post about how worth it is to see an L. I can't really afford it but I will do it, even if for one hr.

H has a vasectomy can't have kids, 2wks ago had the audacity to ask me if I could pay for a reversal since he did it mostly for me and that he might, maybe in the future, have a family, I thought that was suspicious, I was fuming and he appologized, said he was just trying to cover his bases. So no, she isn't (I was thinking that too! lol).

Thanks again guys! I told him to stop bullying me, that I wouldn't agree to anything 'til I knew my rights, we agreed on asking the mediator if that was ok, and that maybe I'll think about it then (the 4mths).

I have a good name of a L already. And no, i'm not ready to sign anything, H is just itching to have something in writing anyway/someway.

[cat03]

have a preconceived reality based on how they have functioned in the past and how we have reacted and truly think everything will go to plan.

Althea, thanks for your words! You are right on the money, for the past 2.5yrs i have bent over backwards trying to please him, to forgive and let him have freedoms I did not have so he can be happy. He trusts no one but knows I have a conscience and have not cheated nor lied to anyone (specially the way he lied to me!), he might be banking on that.

We have no assets other than the house (his car is paid for, my corolla has 3yrs to go) Our house is furnished with hand-me downs and nothing of value can be found there. No savings, only 1yr of cop's retirement under his name. There isn't much to fight about, so that's why I agreed on a mediation, we both make under 50k per yr, I work ft.

Thanks again for your support, I can't imagen how hard it must've been for you back then when S was fresh and all the children were hurting.
Since he brought up D I have felt freedom again, a lightness in my heart that haven't had since last July (August I find 2nd A, H was home w/me and I thought things were ok w/us), not tied to H's moods and rollercoaster, i'm done babysitting him and putting myself in the back burner.

[MotherMovingOn]

i'm done babysitting him and putting myself in the back burner

Atta Girl!

[cat03]

after the round of txts earlier this afternoon about him wanting to file and stuff he stopped altogether when I told him he was pushing his luck... not a peep from him since! ha! he thought he could BS his way into making me do what he wants.

I honestly wouldn't care less nor it'd surprise me if he's back with ow. I was doing numbers and realized that if I say we've been separated an extra 4mths it puts the S square on the month he told ow we were separated. Well, he's just going to have to bs his way out that one without my help, I might be wrong, but it sure looks that way.

He called tonight to ask me about d4's bday tomorrow, only talked about the details, not ONE thing about filing nor the 4mths. Now I'm realizing why he has been so extra nice lately, doing things he didn't have to or was supposed to do months ago around the house. Trying to "appease the beast" i guess, i remember he even said "we should go to C to learn to communicate with each other about the children" HA, someone fed him that, he could not have come up with that all by himself.
He did say he asked a lawyer (his union provides some free consultations) a few questions, but that he wasn't retaiing one.

He is trying to do his homework, so will I.

I'm good, planning my busy weekend. A bit bumbed that now every other weekend I won't get to see kids and that my son won't get to go to my brothers house as he always wishes, that we will have to plan around the schedule for anything in the future (family parties, a trip, etc etc) ARGHHHHHHH!!!!

OK, ok, could be worse, I could be that poor lady in my church who's dirt bag h kicked her out then took the kids and judge awarded him full custody. At least H does want the kids around and I will be their primary care giver.

[unbroken]

Ahhhhh, I can relate all too well. The being nice and doing extra little things before the bomb, the seeing a C only to work on ways to better handle D11 (oh yeah, and I know da*n well XH didn't think of this one on his own either), trying to get details on special occasions for D11, etc.

A bit bumbed that now every other weekend I won't get to see kids and that my son won't get to go to my brothers house as he always wishes, that we will have to plan around the schedule for anything in the future (family parties, a trip, etc etc)

I know exactly how you feel. They think kids are resilient, but I don't think they ever realize how much the kids really miss out on. It's not just the fact that daddy isn't home, it's so much more than that. They miss out on all of the immediate and extended family time/activities, they miss out on the comfort of seeing mom AND dad (together) in the audience for school plays. It breaks my heart.

[cat03]

I liked this paragraph on today's devotional:

Are you confessing the Word and believing that God is at work behind the scenes? Or do you talk about your problems and always believe the worst. What ever you confess and put your faith in will come to pass in your life.

I'm still in denial I think, lol! and it doesnt' help that H calls me by my pet name now and then (another effort to get on my good side?). Almost wish he'd be a bit of a jerk so I don't have a false sense of security, so that my subconscious isnt' fooled into thinking nothing is going on (S, D, etc)

[Aud31]

Hey Cat,

Just found you and am SO GLAD to see that you're getting good advice about taking care of business. Love ya.

[cat03]

hey sweets))))) awww, I'm touched u were looking 4 me. I'm doing great, just taking my sweet time, doing things my way for a change. H is itching so badly to get the process started, dork, like i'm begging him or something, I even told him I stopped loving him, dont' know what's his rush but he'll just hav to sit tight til I'm ready.

[Aud31]

You go girl.