Oh yeah....I never even addressed my anger with OW calling the house. I truly believe that it will only push H away. He is at least not having her call while I am home. He erases the call ID from only one phone and forgetting to do the others.
I guess I find some humor in his stupidity. He is not good at this affair thing and I know it eats at him. As much as he seemingly is addicted to OW...I know that deep down he carries guilt about the pain it causes me and I think it is even harder on him as I continue to wear my ring and attempt at keeping peace in the house.
I believe that my H also feels disappointment in himself as he never thought he would make these decisions and somehow that fuels his reasons even more. If he would do this kind of thing prior to either one of us even discussing a divorce and allow someone else to take a piece of his heart,......then he truly must not love me.
But still I desire this M and will patiently hang in with support of my new found friends....
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
I understand completely about anger pushing him away, I really just meant that if you can find a calm and collected voice to say it in, just point out that it is innappropriate for her to call your home and that it needs to stop, getting angry just adds fuel to the fire. I wasn't even angry when I told my H that I would go and talk to OW in person, but I reminded him that it wouldn't be a good thing to have happen. I wasn't mad or mean, it was pretty much just matter of fact, but I understand if that won't work. I would never suggest getting angry, it only makes things worse.
I know what you mean about being able to find some humor in their feeble attempts to be sly. My H hid our $460.00 cell phone bill (prior to unlmtd. txt plan) in his underwear drawer...wow 007, no one would ever think to look there! I refer to him as "Stealth" sometimes and it makes me laugh and he actually looks pretty sheepish about it.
I too still desire a R with my H, and I'm doing what I can, but I won't be able to go on forever.
Keep up the good work and take care of yourself and your S.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
You don't have to allow cake-eating. Even in strict DBing, you are encouraged to set personal boundaries. Last summer, my 47yo wife had an affair with her 29yo personal trainer. I was devasted, and I insisted that she end it -- several times. I of course couldn't FORCE her to, but I could:
- tell her the conditions by which I was willing to remain married to her (and an "open marriage" wasn't one of them);
- tell her that my patience wasn't infinite (I ultimately re-confronted her at 60 days, and by 90 days, the affair was dead and she came to me in tears begging me to take her back);
- insist that certain boundaries be followed: no calling or receiving calls, or texting from the house. Also, no calling or receiving calls even when NOT home, in front of the kids. She respected these boundaries, even while carrying on her affair.
Grumpyby thanks for your advice. I need and want everyones thoughts on these subjects. I actually already had mentioned to him before, when I told him I knew about OW that i didn't want her to call the house where I lived and our son lived. So it didn't work that time...my boundaries I've decided are if he does this sort of thing around me or my son I will set some ground rules.
Puppy Dog Tails. Thanks for giving me some thoughts to consider. Believe me I want to set some clear boundaries when it comes to OW...but the truth is that everytime I have engaged in conversation about what is going on H pulls back further and the last time which was several weeks ago he actually told me that he felt divorce was inevitable. Nothing has changed as he hasnt told me he's filed yet...so I don't feel ready to set any boundaries there.
But boy do I want to!!!
H is truly lost in this OW right now. And I have accepted that I can't control that, but I can control me. So I struggle but try not to let this OW get in the way of my having a home that is peaceful for me and my son.
God I don't know where I am even getting this strength today...for the last two days I have been a crying mess...not around H of course!
Please keep the thoughts coming!!!!!!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Grumpyby thanks for your advice. I need and want everyones thoughts on these subjects. I actually already had mentioned to him before, when I told him I knew about OW that i didn't want her to call the house where I lived and our son lived. So it didn't work that time...my boundaries I've decided are if he does this sort of thing around me or my son I will set some ground rules.
Puppy Dog Tails. Thanks for giving me some thoughts to consider. Believe me I want to set some clear boundaries when it comes to OW...but the truth is that everytime I have engaged in conversation about what is going on H pulls back further and the last time which was several weeks ago he actually told me that he felt divorce was inevitable. Nothing has changed as he hasnt told me he's filed yet...so I don't feel ready to set any boundaries there.
But boy do I want to!!!
H is truly lost in this OW right now. And I have accepted that I can't control that, but I can control me. So I struggle but try not to let this OW get in the way of my having a home that is peaceful for me and my son.
God I don't know where I am even getting this strength today...for the last two days I have been a crying mess...not around H of course!
Please keep the thoughts coming!!!!!!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Just had a phone conversation with H. Everytime I see his number I feel this overwhelming sense of nervousness with what he is going to say. Is he calling to say....what are your plans tonight because I wanted to go away tonight or I filed for the divorce or who knows...but I just get nervous. Anyway..
He was calling to find out if I was picking up our S4 from daycare and if I had any plans tonight. He was hoping to spend time with his friend...not OW she lives 3 hours away...so I know he isn't planning on that.
He also brought up and asked that I don't talk to his friends about our sitch.....which I truly don't. I believe he needs to have his friends to lean as I....the only thing I did...as I am not perfect was that last weekend when his close friend called for him..I said that he was gone to his girlfriends and then I immediately apologized and said that I shouldn't have said that. Of course his friend did not mention my apology, but I told H of it. I am frustrated that he is okay with telling me to respect his friendships ( and I will cuz It's the right thing to do) but how hypocritical is that request when he shows total disrespect for me by continueing to have a relationship with OW and not make any plans for S or D. Understandly we have a house that needs to sell before we could formally have separate living arrangments, but what he is doing is wrong.......right!
H then talked about how he understood that this situation was difficult with him seeing OW (well he just talks about the situation doesnt actually say OW) but we both know what he means. And that he is trying to be respectful of me and knows that this is hard on me.
WTF....I am not sure how to even respond when he does this. I am not okay with this and I want to work on our M and I have made that clear. He feels that he's not in love and doesn't have it in him....of course not you fool your attaching yourself to someone else. This is not what we talked about today, just what we have talked about in the past....of which I stay very clear of these OW and R talks now. I just listen to what he has to say.
I was feeling strong and now feel frustrated again. This is really hard I don't know how some of you have kept up so long. So I BREATHE!!!!!! RELAX!!!! REGROUP!!!! vent here and off I go.....into this messed up life of mine.
I think I am going to do something with my son tonight that would be fun to take my mind off of things.
Thoughts anyone!!!!!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
SO the weekend had it's ups and downs...unfortunately ending on the down. H and I took our son to Jokers on friday night. I actually felt that the evening went well. H seemed to engage in conversation more with me and make eye contact, asking if he could get my food and do nice things. Could be guilt don't know, but regardless it seemed to go well.
After we got home he went out with a buddy of his to catch up and was home by 11:00PM. Saturday morning he woke up and asked it I didn't mind him taking off for the day. I did domewhat, but I said that would be fine as long as he was home by 5:00 as I had plans that evening with some of my girl friends. He came home around 2 that afternoon and seemed a little sad....again I can only guess at why...the )W lives 3 hours away so he didn't see her. But I think he spent time with his father, part of my worries that he is trying to figure out a way to not be in the house anymore. (again we can't financially afford to places until the house would sell and that is taking time due to the market).
Sunday morning he seemed normal...lately that just means that we are cordial and have very casual and meaning less conversation. I had noticed again that )OW called several times while I was not home on the call id and just could hold back. He had mentioned respect on friday and I asked him if out of respect for me that he at least erase the call ID so it didnt have to be right in my face. He agreed and then proceeded to mention that he may have a place he can stay for free. (An uncle house that is not being used about 20 minutes away) and that would make it easier given the situation. Him seeing OW and he told me that he didn't think his feelings were going to change. This just crushes me.
I was truly hoping that by him being in the house and my detaching and hopefully planting small seeds of doubt that he may eventually on his own realize we may have a fighting chance. THis is going to be even harder if he is not in the hosue and I don't even know how to begin explaing what is going on with our 4 year old son. I worry about him and just want to handle that situation as well as possible.
I bounce back and forth between continue with DB ing and other time wanting to lash out and him. which i don't do. He left last night for a couple of days .....gone to spend time with OW.
I truly feel that my sitch is just getting worse and that I am just falling deeper and deeper into depression. I know that I haven't been the best wife. I did a great job of making my H feel worthless and I want to change and have been going to therapy to work on myself. I feel that I am ready to accept resposibility for my wrongs and make them right...which I know would bring back our connection.....we really had a strong connection. And it frustrates me that I felt his heart....everyday up until OW came into the picture.
DOn't know how to proceed....HELP HELP HELP!!!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
He may need to live by himself or even with OW for reality to bite him where he deserves it. The more time he spends with OW the quicker he will realize that everyone has their faults. I wish my H's OW wasn't 8 time zones away because I honestly believe it is dragging their A out.
Also, you will still have chances to DB because of your son, and also hopefully because of his D. Try and stay focused on the positives - if you are not living together, it will be much easier to detach. And you will have more space to vent w/o having to worry when he's going to walk in the door.
As for feeling like things are getting worse, in respect to your H, they are. You feel dragged down too because you are not detached. HE has to hit bottom and reality has to smack him upside the head. You need to lovingly detach from some of his drama and let him realize what he is doing to himself and your son and you.
(((hugs)))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Again thanks! Last night for the first time I truly felt as if I could slowly start to truly detach. Not just make believe like I am. You are also right that him leaving may make things easier to do so. When he leaves and I am alone with my son for a couple of days..there is a calmness in the house and I am more at peace.
Not to say that I don't want my H here, because I do, but not with what is currently going on.
The is a part of me that hopes he can move out and stay somewhere else and I have even said to myself that the more time he spends with OW the faster he will get to know that OW is not perfect either. But that doesn't mean that he will realize that I am a better choice. I feel like for the last couple of months I have been trying to do the impossilble. And that being:
Show my H that I can change....be playful and fun...try to create peace at home....not be angry....and honestly all of this has felt awkward and fake. I haven't given up, but I think I am starting to understand that it doesn't matter what I do...My H needs to go through this process and where it leads him I just don't know. I have to focus on me and my son and do what feels right for us.
In the end, I hope that my H journey brings him back around, but for now I guess I am going to try and not focus on that.
Easy today.....may not be so easy tomorrow!!!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
It does matter what you do. There's no magic words to make him realize what he's doing, but there are a ton of things you can do to push him away and make him more set on getting a D. While he is going through this addiction, you need to focus on not pushing him further away and making you and your S happy.
I'm glad you are having a good day.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
