I saw "Into the Wild" and it was really good, but I didn't get to read it. The movie version comes out on video today...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
What I find interesting is that if the OW or OM can't live up to being the "better option", why should we?
Isn't DB-ing, partly, about being the "better option"?
Can we really rescue a marriage by being "the best possible" person we can be? Furthermore, can we really live under the psychic burden that our changes need to be permanent and that we really can't slip up anymore?
I have struggled with being the best possible person know for weeks. SOmetime feeling fake and miserable at biting my tongue...just agreeing and listening to H. I am not sure that this appraoch is going to work for me. It's totally the opposite of who I am. Even in the beginning of our relationship I was strong willed....so being suzy homemaker and changing me as a person to attempt to compete with OW makes me feel horrible. I think I need to be me....just aware of how my actions make him feel and try to improve in the areas that are necessary but always staying true to who I am.
And the bottomline....I want H back because he wants to be.....not because I guilt him into it.....Plus I can't compete with somethine new......that's impossible and even trying to do that makes you feel like a failure.
Focusing on yourself, detaching from the H insanity is the best thing. For me!!! and always keeping in mind that everyone one of us has our own unique situations and although we can draw from others experiences we need to be smart with the advice we take......we know our sitch the best and can be the only ones to ultimately know what to do that may improve our happiness!
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Isn't it all about feeling that you as the LBS are the better option? About being true to yourself and building yourself a life you feel happy and comfortable with and THEN if the WAS happens to want to buy back into that and you want to have them back hopefully the M is saved. I almost see saving the M as a byproduct rather than the main item.
I don't think the changes we implement mean we can't slip up either. Hopefully you will have learnt to communicate if you reconcile and so can deal with things as they crop up and you now know that being complacent about one's M can be very dangerous.
Having said all that I do grieve for the feeling of 'ease' that the first portion of my M had. I do feel that things are not the same. I will always be sad that the exclusivety of our M was thrown away; that can never be recovered; that bell has been rung.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hi all Bit late joining into this thread ( different timezone ) but boy did some of them make me laugh! ( sorry oldtimer!! ) OW left her H, my H left me. I have an image of them that at the first sign of trouble they both get stuck in the front door trying to be the first one out. Does that make me petty ?
I do grieve for the feeling of 'ease' that the first portion of my M had. I do feel that things are not the same. I will always be sad that the exclusivity of our M was thrown away; that can never be recovered; that bell has been rung.
I am struggling with this right now even though I have very low hopes that my H will ever want this R/M right now. I wonder a lot if I can ever forgive him for how he has hurt me.
Originally Posted By: saffie
Quote:
Does that make me petty ?
no, it just means you are laughing instead of crying - which is good
Laughter is the best medicine!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
What I find interesting is that if the OW or OM can't live up to being the "better option", why should we?
Isn't DB-ing, partly, about being the "better option"?
Can we really rescue a marriage by being "the best possible" person we can be? Furthermore, can we really live under the psychic burden that our changes need to be permanent and that we really can't slip up anymore?
Dunno...made me think.
--Theoden
Well, in my case, I have seen a C for help with my depression and gone on AD's and resolved my depression to a great extent so I feel so much better. I have also been working on my "doormat" issues and being stronger and more self-confident. I am GALing a lot, making a lot of friends. Since I have always been kind of shy I have been trying to work on that, working on my fears and doing things like the play I am in. I am pushing myself to do things I wouldn't have done before, and I can feel myself getting more self confident every day.
I think that's what DB is about: working on yourself and your weaknesses and maybe what led to problems in your relationship in the first place. If H and I ever did reconcile, big if, but I think our relationship would have a better chance now because of the changes I have made. Of course, he would also have to make major changes too. I don't think any of the changes I have made are faky or anything that is something that should cause me a psychic burden, but rather are changes that are good for me. Karen
No, nothing should be fake. It really is about making a better YOU. Being the "better option" can mean many things. It can mean you "know" you are a better person in general, the qualites you possess are valuable assets that anyone would want in a life partner, the history you have together, the children you have together, the memories or years that would be difficult to replicate in another relationship....
Just because you know you are a "better option" doesn't mean the spouse will believe this and stop a divorce. One can't always stop a divorce, but you may be able to learn from the situation, evolve, and have even better future relationships.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
No, nothing should be fake. It really is about making a better YOU. Being the "better option" can mean many things. It can mean you "know" you are a better person in general, the qualites you possess are valuable assets that anyone would want in a life partner, the history you have together, the children you have together, the memories or years that would be difficult to replicate in another relationship....
Wow, that's great. I really needed to read that today...thanks.
