Snodderly (and/or anybody else who can help with this),
Can you direct me to a book or something/somewhere/article that has more information regarding "not ready yet!"? (I.e. Steelersfan's husband says he's coming home and has given dates but still isn't home.) I'm sure it's in one of the 6 phases but I would just like something else to read. Thanks!
And does the "house cleaning phase" come onto the LBS like "nesting" does before a woman gives childbirth? My whole family is making comments about my cleaning.
I think they have to be ready to finally sever the ties with the other person and then they do it but it is on their timeline, not ours as you know.
They may talk like they are ready but when it comes right down to it, they get scared.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I need to change the title now to "LBS not ready yet."
I finally asked my husband (via e-mail) a question that had been bothering me for about 9 months now. I thought I needed the answer for closure on the issue (not our relationship). He wants to answer me but face-to-face. He thinks we are at a point now that things won't get ugly if we talk face-to-face.
I had to tell him I wasn't ready to talk to him face-to-face. I still think things will get ugly and that I had waited this long that I could wait longer. I told him I wasn't ready for rejection or more hurt from him.
I'm just not ready to hurt anymore. I'd rather leave things as they are for right now than to risk talking to him and getting hurt again.
I'm okay with that though. Fortunately I have a really close relationship with God and He has promised me that I will be back with my husband. However, God also told me that some things would have to happen and those things haven't happened yet. Time and patience. Ugh! Hate those words!
Steelers - thanks for getting back to me. Obviously WE aren't ready yet. But the house soon will be...clean!
S, The comments that I posted to Steelersfan where for her situation because she and her h are both cleaning their homes at this time and it's purely coincidental that it's happening that way. My comments to Steelersfan did not come from a book, but from my own thoughts and observations.
Many of them have to do an internal housecleaning of their demons before they can return. Keep in mind, they have to grow up, learn that happiness comes from within and accept themselves for who they are, not what they were suppose to be for their parents or authority figure that was in their lives many years ago who stunted them emotionally.
SF was housecleaning her actual home. Housecleaning keeps you, the lbs, busy and keeps you focused on something other than your spouse. We all do it at some point. You do get tired of things being the way they were, i.e., just like fall and spring cleaning.
"Many of them have to do an internal housecleaning of their demons before they can return."
Let me give you an example of this, I think.
H texted me lastnight and said: "Believe me, God has taught me that you cannot go against His will. It's all an illusion."
Snodderly is right, they have to do an internal housecleaning and it takes time due to a tremendous amount of guilt, etc.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I admire your tenacity. Do not have contact if you're not ready. If he loves you, he'll respect that. If your inner voice says it may get ugly, remain patient, GAL, and see him at another time. Also, you can seek the scriptures for strength.
Just to let you know. I think events started in my husband's MLT around May of 2002. Then for next several years there were 2-3 things in his/our lives that were of crisis nature per year. We bought a 62' yacht, he bought a race car, he started a business, we bought a condo in SC, he bought me a hot tub, we bought motorcycles, and then he even got the girlfriend. He never moved out of the house. The girlfriend came in Oct of '06 and she is still involved in his and my step son's lives. (He even took her to HI - on his company's President's Club - earlier this month.)
In July of last year he started paying the bills again - he had quit for year and thrown everything in my lap. He also started taking better care of the repairs on the house. During the fall he started - what I call reconnecting - with the dogs and the cats as well as his best friend...who he never had time for for about 8 months. In December he invited me to come and hear him play his drums with a band. We fixed lunch together that day, watched parts of two football games together and then went to the club. We had a great time. Two days later he tells me he was sorry he lead me on. During January he was super nice to me. I couldn't tell if it was from guilt or what. Told me that he wanted to have gastro surgery, etc. Also, during the month of December he contacted a bankruptcy lawyer and started those procedures.
When he returned from his trip in February he sat down with me five days later and told me that he knew he was hurting me and I didn't have to remind him of it in my e-mails. (Duh - yes I do when you ask me why I sound hurt.) He also told me that he knew he had made a lot of mistakes and they were his to clean up. He finally said that he realized that this was not all my fault and that it takes two to create the problems.
Tia, from M-F my husband e-mails me every day. If I ignore the first message he sends more until he has questioned them in such a way that I cannot not answer. On the weekends there are no e-mails but we usually talk at least once or twice a day.
He is never home when I get home from work and usually gets back home - with my step son in tow - around 7:00 pm. I have no contact with them after that. I'm usually in my room and he's either in his office or goes to the basement to watch tv.
My mother is very ill and he usually asks about her every day. In January he and I were discussing them and he told me that the option of them moving into the basement apartment of our house has always been open for them. (Like anyone of us would have known that last year.) I did not ask him to clarify if that still meant right now.
Last September he started being really nice to me again. So much so that our nieces even noticed it and made comments to me. Then he backs off again...like he's scared. After his talk with me about two weeks ago he backed off again. Then Sunday night he tells me he wants to talk again face-to-face. Now I'm scared.
My mom is in the hospital today. They are supposed to put a feeding tube in her. My husband is out of town on busness but he is quite concerned because his mother died a little over 3 years ago with part of the same problem.
All of this makes it hard not to have any contact with him. Please tell me how to do that. I have it written on my white board in my office. I have all sorts of notes around my monitor. This guy is the only person I feel like I can talk to right now with my mom's situation. He told me last year that he would be there for me during my mom's problem but to date all he has done is asked how she is. And I know that's a lot considering what he is going through. I don't want to ask him for his comfort because I don't want him to think I'll read into it more than it is. Again, how do I make no contact with him?
I realize that this may be God's way of getting my husband's attention. I'm trying to keep my shut and only update my husband with information but it's really hard.
Thanks!