I recently posted my story on the newcomer boards. Lately there have been so many developments but I am acting like a crazy person due to all of the hurt I'm feeling. Found outthat H was keeping his old cell phone so he could continue talking to the OW. I demanded he leave and told Him I wanted him to go to her and trt to live with her and see if this is what he wanted.For 6 weeks he lied to me daily telling me it was over. I was losing my self respect and stopped living.I have never been this depressed. This Wednesday is when i gave him the ultimatum. Get rid of the phone and end this relationship, if not get out and be with her.I also found out he was going to a wedding with her this Sunday instead of going to his nephews Birthday party. I had had enough of the lies. I was cold to him all day ,he kept calling me all day I told him to stop that I needed to forget and move on. Later that evening he called me and told me to listen, that this time it really was over. I wanted so badly to believe him and he sounded sincere but I tild him I needed time. As soon as I hung up I discovered that i had new text messages. It was the OW texting me. He really did tell her that it was over, he told her they had to cease all communication. Needless to say she did not handle this well. She started texting me all night long, 40 in all. What really hurt were the texts she forwarded to me that he had sent her. He seemed to be in deeper than i originally thought. She had a 3 yr old son that my H fell in love with too..he told her he loved her body and soul and so much more. he bought her jewelry and they went on dates.They had breakfast after work almost every morning, they both work midnight shifts. The texting has continued.She is obviously very bitter and angry and sent another 30 this morning. At one point she sent a picture but I deleted it. I really did not need more hurt.He now sees that she is the one who is acting insane, she is hurt becasue he lied to her, he told her we no longer had relations, for years in fact. But this is not true. he told her i was unfaithful, also a lie.She is now saying horrible things about us both and keeps calling H and texting me. So my dilemma?? H is home, he seems sincere, yet I can't get past all of the things he said to her, the way he seemed ot love her more than he did me. I continue to snoop on the new phone, he did get rid of the old one and I continue to cry and wonder if he'll be able to resist her and not go back again. It doesn't help that i keep questioning him constantly and he's getting annoyed. I want him to think he made the right choice by choosing me but i'm messing it up. I've read DR 3 times yet can't apply the priciples. I know I need to be stronger, how do I get past knowing so much more than I ever wanted to know about his A? Those of you who have dealt with similar situations does the pain go away? Can we rebuild? I'm so scared that he'll never love me again. I was never this weak person. i don't recognize myself anymore.
Yes, you can rebuild. Your H didn't waffle for too long it seems, and that's good.
The hurt. Oh it hurts. And from what I hear piecing things back together is very hard and painful, but the end result is an intact, even healthier marriage. You and your H will be on a 'team', working at it.
You don't need to be stronger, you are in the middle of a storm and doing just fine. Time will help the pain. I suggest if you want this marriage (and I think you do), that you insist that you and H see a marriage counselor and do Retrouvaille (sp? check it out on the board, do a search).
Hang in there. By the way, you say you aren't strong, but you gave your H a last resort, you told him to move on. That is amazing.
The hurt and anger will get better. It can takes weeks. Right now you probably don't even know how to put one foot in front of the other, right? Keep busy. Don't obsess. You can't change what happened so let it go. If you need to vent, come here and vent away!
It takes time to rebuild the relationship and probably even longer to rebuild trust. If he is willing to rebuild and so are you, you can do it. Just don't expect miracles over night. It will take months.
It is amazing how these spouses become pathological liars. Mine did the same thing. Even after I knew about the A. LWB is right, you gave him a LRT and it seemed to have worked. Way to go!
Don't worry about OW. I'm sure she is pizzed off. You can always block her number or change yours.
Thanks lwb. I'm trying. There are still so many un-answered questions though but for now i'll hold off. Trust will be my biggest problem I fear as I always suspect he's lying to me now.
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
Thank you Joie, We have been togther 14 1/2 yrs.We have a 12 yr old and 10 yr old. I appreciate your advice. It seems as though my biggest problem is obsessing about this.I can't seem to do anythign else but think about what happened and snoop online and go through his things, bills, receipts etc just to dig up more info.Some of her Texts have shaken me to the core. i didn't enjoy reading how she told me that She is is Heart and they would die without each other.I realize it will take a long time for me to let these things go( if ever) It also hurts knowing that he feels our marriage is dead right now and that he loves me but is no longer in love with me. A couple of weeks ago we did seem to get a little closer and there was one night where we did have relations, maybe i'm crazy or trying to read into it too much but I could swear that he seemed to be very into it at first but then seemed to not be as much as though he felt guilty that he was being unfaithful to the OW. Then he told me a few days later that i forced him to do it.??? This boggles me..he didn't act like he was forced
Me: 36 H: 34 2 D's: 10+13 Married: 13 yrs(Together 15) Found out about A-Jan 08 Finally ended April 08..I hope?? Struggling to co-exist in peace
You might want to pick up a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. It will help explain all of the crazy feelings, which are all very normal, that you are going through and how to better cope with them. She also gives thorough steps in ways to rebuild trust. The need to ask questions is the betrayed spouse's way of picking up the pieces to get to the whole truth. Your H will get annoyed, especially if he feels badgered or interrogated, or even if he still feels some connection or loyalty to the OW. You have to realize that he will be going through his own inner turmoil as well. As unfair as it seems, your H lost someone he felt he cared deeply for. He will need time to grieve, just like you.
When you feel the need to ask, do it calmly. Don't act hateful, don't be sarcastic, and don't accuse. Realize he may not want to answer your questions for fear of hurting you even more, and try to explain that although the pain of hearing the truth will be short-lived, the long-term effect will be to heal.
Get the book, if you possibly can. It's excellent.
Take care.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
It's good that you have kids that you can sink your time into. They need you as much as you need them right now.
I was just as obsessed at the snooping. I looked in every nook and cranny, sometimes over and over again. You do it because you want to know the truth. But at the same time, it hurts. Please try to stop just because you're causing yourself more pain. The more you know, the more you hurt. I know you're also doing it to see if he is still lying to you.
I can relate to the intimacy, too. I probably came on too strong with my H as well. But he never denied me! It could be it was too soon for you. I would back off as it is very pursuing. You don't want to come on too strong.
If you're not sure how to apply the DB principles, start out by setting small goals for yourself. Post them here and get some feedback. I would make one: stop snooping.
Busy yourself with other things to get past the snooping. What are you doing for yourself? Your mental health is very important right now. The better you feel about yourself, the more prepared you will be to handle the sitch.
Why is snooping bad, if it helps her get to the truth? Shouldn't she be making decisions from a position of truth, and strength?
Now, once the snooping ceases to reveal any new information, and if it's deflating you, then I would agree -- stop. But I think gathering intel is a GOOD thing . . . IF you can handle it.
W2M gave an ultimatum; she painted herself into that corner. We can debate the pro's and con's of confrontation (or maybe you can't around here anymore), but once she did this, doesn't she need to know if her husband is telling her the truth or not?
How will she know if she DOESN'T gather intel? ("snooping")
If she wants to back away from that boundary, she certainly can -- none of us can set each other's boundaries, they are intensely personal and only we each know what we can take and what we can't. But if W2M said "leave OW or it's over," and if that is indeed her boundary, then she needs to have some method of determining if her husband has left the OW -- other THAN, her husband.
But again, if it upsets her so much that it takes her off-base, then she should stop.
