WAW and I have been separated since 1.7.08. She filed for D on 11/21/07. At first court appearance 2.5.08 I was granted a two month continuance. Due back in court on 4.15.08.
The first six weeks of S were quite emotional. Many visits back and forth to her condo (I am in the house), many cell phone calls and emails. Two weeks ago she said in an email that she cares for me a great deal and still feels love for me. I sent a very emotional email to her saying that we should work on rebuilding a new relationship and I would never stop fighting for her our marriage and family. I know-a major backslide. Since then the frequency of contact has been diminished though we did have dinner together last Friday. During dinner she made a point of telling me that her friends have been asking her to go out to the bars with them. She also said that many nights she sits on her couch and drinks wine and flips through the channels on TV. She is not much of a drinker and that alarmed me. She even asked me at dinner "how are you doing"? I told her I was fine and quickly changed the subject. She even said "you are in a good mood tonight" (I was DB'ing my a** off).
I have been trying to limit my contact with her and she is doing the same. I really feel that the past two weeks have marked the start of the official S. The problem is I continue to think the worst-now she is moving on, she is realizing how much better off she is, how there is know way she would consider calling off the D etc. etc. I realize that 6 weeks is nothing in most S.
She has always been a dependent person. When we were dating and had the inevetible break up she would run to her old boyfriend for comfort. She admits to being needy which worries me-and has also been part of the problem with us-I am emotionally challenged and never could quite be the emoter she wanted. I periodcally send a neutral card because I think she needs to feel connected but I am concerned about pursuing and putting her under pressure.
I guess I am looking for some perspective on my situation. I am reminded to act "as If" (I keep my ring on as a show of commitment to the M-hers are off)and monitor to see what works.
The gravity of the situation is starting to be overwhelming and I am so sad and alone. I suppose it could be worse with no contact at all. Because of S sporting events we at least see each other on a weekly basis.
My insecurities of being the LBS are starting to get the best of me. Can anyone help?
M-47 WAW-48 M-22 T-26 S-17,19 Filed 11.21.07 S-1.7.08 EA since July of 07
You have some good things going for you. You are still in contact. She says she feels love for you. You spend some time together.
It sounds like she needs an emotional connection to you and you have been unable or unwilling to give it to her. That is what my W said too.
I am here to tell you that you CAN learn how to share your feelings. I have done it myself. It has truly been an awakening for me.
If you truly love your wife and want to make it work, you simply have to learn how to do it. Buy a book. Talk to a therapist. Take a course. Whatever. If your W left you because you don't emote, either learn to do it, or accept that she will move on.
Sorry to be blunt.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I agree with mink. Thats your 180. You do the complete opposite of what W would expect of you. She thinks you're not emotional enough? Well, get more emotional. As for me I'm the opposite of you... a 180 for me is to NOT get emotional.
You have some contact and thats a good sign.
Keep dbing because it seems you are getting somewhere with it.
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
My situation is somewhat dynamic. My 17,19 S are having a difficult time with our separation (1/7/08)-she moved out, I am in the house. Even though W filed on 11/21/07 we have not told them yet. My 17 son spent a good deal of time with me being very emotional on Sunday because of all the stress he is under-classmate was killed in a car accident, GF problems, exams, college applications and the situation between me and his mom. His grades are in decline and he can't seem to pull himself up from the downward spiral. I set up a meeting with his HS counselor to try to help him with the emotional load he is carrying. I sent an email to WAW telling her that I was going in to meet with the counselor and she was welcome to attend. Our 19 son has been avoiding us because he can't deal with the situation. He confided in me (maybe WAW-I don't know yet) that he has visited a therapist on campus- which is a good thing. Both children are in severe distress and we have not told them of the D yet!
WAW sent me an email today asking if I wanted to get together to talk about the kids tommorow night. She is feeling a lot of guilt at the pain she is causing in our family. 17S rarely opens up to her the way he opens up to me and I think she wants to know more. I don't want to add to her guiilt but there is a lot of stress going on right now and she should proabably be aware of it and I suspect she already is.
Question-do I get together with her to "talk" about the kids and if so how much do I say? I do not want to talk about our R but feel it may come up. I do not want to add to the guilt she feels about breaking up the family but on the other hand all actions have consequences.
Since WAW filed, my main priority is the emotional and spiritual health of my children. I think that me taking the initative to meet with HS counselor demonstrated to her that I am putting their needs above hers and my own. I realize this is a very scary time for DBing. I will try to be upbeat, not initiate R talk and keep focused on my children. How much of their suffering that has been shared with me be told to her? I have been avoiding initiating contact, GAL and letting her think. I have stopped almost all pursuing behavior (well OK I slipped once last week and once this week by sending her a card) and she initiated the contact with me.
I need advice on how to proceed-I don't want to screw this up.
Thanks,
M-47 WAW-48 M-22 T-26 S-17,19 Filed 11.21.07 S-1.7.08 EA since July of 07
What do you do when you realize that no matter what you do it is not going to be enough? What do you do when you probably were the one at fault and nothing will ever make it right. I feel as if all of the problems in our M were my fault and WAW should have left years ago. I am noticing quite a bit of distancing on her part and I susupect EA may be heating up now that the dust is starting to settle. Emails no longer come and when they do they are short and devoid of emotion. Phone and personal contact is slowing down as well. I know my happiness should come from within but I am so lonely and don't know what to do.
I saw the WAW and kids for dinner tonight. Conversation was light and she appeared somewhat strained.
I have a question. She files on 11/21/07, S 1/7/08. I am receiving a small bonus on Friday and wonder what kind of message it would send to give her half. We are each living on our own salaries-me in the family home WAW in an expensive condo-and part of me wants to keep it for my "rainy day fund" If I send her half of my bonus would it be seen as an unconditional act of kindness or would the gesture be wasted?
She has a good job and access to the joint savings so it is something I would do out of kindness of my heart with no obligation to her.
