Out of the Blue?

[tomcat65]

Ken you have to read the responce on my thread from 25 years mlc,it was meant for both of us.You wont believe how good this one is.You want to talk about insight!!!Check it out.AND bounce that ball

[kturnernc]

I did go over and read. It was very helpful. Sorry I have not been checking in with everyone but times are stressful. I will give you a quick run down...

Today my oldest is going in to prep for surgery. The surgery itself is tomorrow. I am told that the recovery time is usually 4-10 days in the hospital. I have taken this week off to be with him or to care for my youngest. It is going to be a very stressful time not only with my son in the hospital, but I am sure that the power plays of W and her family are going to be insane. I picked older son up yesterday for his paralympic practice and the W was yelling at everything. Asked what was wrong and why she was yelling... "because". So I left with son. Came back, she is still stressed and upset. I asked her again, in a caring voice, what is going on? Is there anything that I can do? No real answer, so i dropped it. She did share just a bit that next week she was going to look like the 'turd'. I have no idea what that meant. But she has been trying to persuade me to not stay in the hospital the whole time. I am thinking that she will not be able to, so she is feeling guilty. Who knows. but I do know that it is going to be crazy with both of us in the room together for long periods of time. Anyway, I am not there for her, I am there for my son. I will not be up there the whole time, because i know that my 2 year old will not be able to sit still the whole time.

I do not know why she is acting like she hates me. I have done nothing to her at all to warrant that. I have been very understanding and helpful through all this. UGH!!!!

I will try to check in with everyone as I can. Hopefully I can find a place in the hospital that I can get online.

[tomcat65]

Hey ken i hope your son and you are doing well.That must be awful stress ful for you!Just try and not getting in a fight with W.Its going to be a long week for you,just hang in there,dont worry about W feeling guilty.Your doing the best you can for your son,Remember this whole mess wasnt your idea!Just take care will be thinking about you and son.God bless Mike

[addie]

Ken,
I hope your son's surgery goes well. My thoughts are with you at this time. Try to detach from W and focus on your kids. They both need you. Do not let her drag you into her unhappiness. I'm sure it will be a very stressful week for you but you have to be the stronger parent right now. Hang in there!

[one_light]

Hi Ken,

Been reading your sitch. I know how hard it can be. How hurtful it can be. I can only imagine how much worse it is for you with the kids. (we have none) Good luck with your son's surgery. Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting, that is lazyness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow... that is patience.

[kturnernc]

Well thank you for all the thoughts during this time. The son is doing well and is out of the hospital. Things are getting back to their 'normal' chaotic routines. So I will give you a quick update on all that has happened...

I spent quite a few nights in the hospital and lots of time with the W sitting in the room with me alone. We really did not talk except for one time about us. All other things were obviously centered around the S8 in the hospital and what we needed to do with S2. The one little talk we did have was her bringing it up and telling me that I did not have to act like 'super-dad' and be there for everything. I told her that I had missed some things in the past with work and that it was not going to happen again. That I was going to be a better father and person. We also talked about a few other points, one of which was very interesting to me. She had a book store bag in shich there was a book about 'how to draw the love of your life to you'. I had seen it the day before when she told me to put something in the bag. She was acting all sneaky with the bag and I started smiling and kind of laughing. She asked me what was up and I responded that she did not have to be sneaky with the bag because I saw the book the day before. She told me it was not what I thought it was that her therapist told her to read it. Why would her therapist tell her to read it if she was not looking into dating? I told her that I am surprised that she was not dating anyone yet and that I am sure her friends were jumping at the bit to fix her up with others since they thought so much of her. She asked me if I was dating and told me that I would probably be dating a 24 year old or someone much younger, I responded with 'no, I am not even thinking about doing that at all right now'. After about another few seconds she started crying, when asked what was wrong, she told me that she was "feeling sick". I dropped it and started reading a paper.

Overall it was not too bad, there were a few times that her friends called or family came by and I was treated like I was not even there or existed. Son's godmother called and talked to him, then he handed the phone to me. I asked her if there were any questions she had or anything, she said no, then asked to speak to W's sister and ask her all the questions. I kind of expected that from her, she pretty much hates men overall, but it still hurt as I treat her very well and help her out.

Anyway, overall it went well, there were very few fights. And those were mainly because the Wife thought I was trying to push everyone else out and be the "Super-Dad". I wasn't, I was just being there for my son. I am glad that part is over and I am not forced to be around her family. Some are really nice and I would not mind keeping in touch with them, but a few of them are just... well, let's just say 'not very nice'.

[addie]

I'm glad your S is doing well and out of the hospital. That was a stressful time for both you and W and you handled the sitch well.
Prayers for a speedy recovery for S.

[kturnernc]

Well the hospital was a breeze compared to the last day or two. Wife and I have kind of gotten into it a bit. Everytime I find out that she did something sneaky, I ask is there anything else that I should know about? The answer is always no, nothing. Well I had found out that she took my kid's educational IRA money and shifted it to her personal account. She supposedly did this as a start to move forward on buying me out of the house. Her response was that I should not be upset as she is going to pay it back. Why am I doubting that? I was also closing all the joint accounts and noticed that she ran up several grand on a joint card. Again, it is supposed to be none of my business. Her excuse is that she did not realize it was a joint card and that it had my name on it. Nevermind the fact that it gets sent to the house under my name. WHAT A CROCK!!! Anyway, I blew up a bit on her. Then stopped myself. And back off a bit. We then started talking a bit.

She told me that she was most afraid of me dropping out of the kids lives. That would never happen. I then confessed that my biggest fear is that due to this whole process that I would lose my best friend. That I am not doubting what she would do, it is what the lawyers will try to talk her into doing. It got a little touching. I feel that I slipped a bit, but I don't know how much. I guess time will tell.

So today she responds via email that she does not feel she can talk to me as a friend that I would read too much into it but that things will get better after the separation agreement is signed. Well, I responded that the line of thinking was crap. That since we had been through so much that we should be able to get along better. That she would never treat her friends like she is treating me. But that if it made her feel better to be mean or short with me until the papers were signed, then that was fine.

I don't know what to do. I have the money issue, the lawyer issue, and what I thought was a better relationship with her issue. She is still holding some sort of suspicion or feelings from the marriage against me. I told her that that was then, this is now, that I am focusing on the future, not what had happened. She told me that she wished I had been like that before in the marriage. She then brought up that she is glad that I will be able to be a better person for my next marriage.

I am getting so many mixed signals that I am going crazy. With the S still recovering, I am going over and visiting tonight. I am sure it will be nuts. What to do... oh, what to do. I am so confused by her actions.

[tomcat65]

Sorry ive been away so long Ken my computer was screwed up!Boy you are in some mighty turmoil,The thing with the kids is a bunch of crap!She should know better,its almost like she is completely blind to you.Not seeing anything youve been doing with yourself and family.I dont think you backslid at all your being very smart about all this with your words and actions.But you have to watch your money regardless.Let the lawyers do their job,thats what they get paid for nothing you can do about that anyway.But your W seems to be extremly confused right now,she seems to making up reasons that nothing will work out.You are on one hell of a ride right now,hang on real hard Ken!!I will be praying for you-Mike

[tomcat65]

Hi again Ken,boy I read what you said in my post about how she thougt your were cheating on your W during your marriage.Boy,that is out there.Where is she coming up with these crazy excuses.Is she trying to make her self believe this stuff so it will be easier for her,it sure seems that way!It sure sounds like you really cant believe half of the stuff coming out of their mouths.I read the term ALIEN in some other posts Im starting to believe in that term.It seems the WAS changes it to people we dont even know right before our eyes!Thats the best I can figure.Hope your boy is still doing alright-Mike