Hi! I have bought both books and reading them but I don't see how I can use the tools and recommendations in the book if I can't get him to speak to me. He left 5 months ago and I haven't seen him since and we have only talked 4 times since then. We have no children to make us keep in contact and he is mean and hateful when we do speak. To the point of cruelty. He said he wants a divorce because he wants to be with his friends and he wasn't happy with me. (Again with his friends talking)
Any suggestions? Or should I return the books and buy something else?
Pink, you may get more responses on the newcomers forum...doesn't look like this one gets much action.
DBing is supposed to be for ourselves. If it results in the return of our spouses then that is great, if it doesn't then we will be better off for the changes we have made.
I went months without talking to my H, but that didn't mean he wasn't thinking about me...or wondering if he had made the right decision. We don't have children either so that makes for limited contact. My H was also mean and hateful...very cruel.
Are there things that have changed about you over the years. Have you quit doing things for yourself that you used to do? Just try to GAL and when you do talk to him be upbeat and happy.
Has he filed for D? Do you have any property together or any joint bills? Usually my 'excuse' for contact was financial reasons.
There are things I changed about myself because they were things that he "liked" but in the process I stopped being the person he married. I was a totally different person. I have made a few changes and working on getting myself back to "me".
He hasn't filed for divorce. In our state you have to be seperated a year. It won't be 5 months until March 6th. He hasn't filed for legal seperation either. We had no finances together because he liked everything seperate. The only thing is I paid half the mortgage while we were married and by state law I get a portion of my money back. That is about the only thing we have to talk about.
The last 2 times we talked I have been upbeat and pleasant and tried to make light conversation. Even telling him about funny things that have happened with the cats or my daughter. But it seems to make him even madder at me. I actually told him last time not to contact me anymore because I try to move forward and adjust to my new situation and all he does is put me down, call me "names" and treat me like crud. ( I contacted him this time about the house) And that was the last I spoke to him on the 5th. On the 6th he emailed about car insurance and I just was at the point I didn't want to be out down so I ignored it. Was that a good thing to do?
If you don't mind me asking why was your husband cruel and mean? I can't figure mine out. He left me and yet he is teed off at me?? I don't get it????
I am glad that you are working on getting yourself back. That will do wonders whether your H comes back or not. The fact that you have to wait a year is good. That way you can give him his space without worrying that you are going to be served papers. In my case, H filed a little over a month after leaving.
I am not sure why he was cruel and mean, other than the fact that when he was mean it made me angry and when I got angry at him it eased his guilt for leaving or made him feel justified. I also think that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be when he left and he took that out on me too. Now he has no explanation for the things he did and when I tell him some of the things he said he doesn't even remember saying them.
It is hard to talk to them like nothing is wrong and to not bring up the R. One of the reasons I went so long without talking to H is because it seemed to set me back everytime I did.
As far as ignoring the email, maybe it was a good thing to do. If it is important he will call or email again. I wish I had had the strength to ignore my H sometimes.
My WAW was brutally angry and did some hateful things such as keeping 5D from me as scheduled x-mas eve/x-mas morning. I think it is like venting their anger for whatever they perceive is your faults. Maybe just simply trying to be as ugly as they can to you to justify their choice. It really isn't about you. I recall the last time my WAW was just ridiculously angry/yelling on the phone...I just held phone at arm reach away from my ear. When she was done I just called her on it, "why are you so angry, all I am doing is seeing when 5D will be here x-mas" as calm and polite as possible. She was angry for about 3 months but I'd get calmer as she got louder and that is gone now.
I guess I am saying it will pass. I always felt like my WAW released her anger through putting everything in her name, new car, hollering at me etc...only so long they can do it when you are kind to them and never argue with them. They can't argue if you don't allow it.
Thanks guys! I really appreciate any help I can get. I really just miss him some days and some days it is like a dull ache. I am reading anything I can get my hands on and this seems to be the best so far.
It has been 5 months since I have seen him and we work at the same facility. The house we lived in which he owns is right across the street from work. So everyday I come here to work and remember everything we did together. Lunches, walks on campus, going to the greenhouse and feeding the ducks here. Now I just get to stare at those things everyday missing him.
He is so mad and sometimes I think he may just be mad at himself for making such a mess of this. I just wish I kew how to get him to open up and work on our realtionship. We have 7 and a half more months before we file for divorce. I don't want to waste the time but I can't get him to even consider talking to me. I am just at a loss at what to do.
7.5 months...very long time...time spent giving him space is not wasted. Time spent not healing yourself will be wasted time. Read everything, PMA, GAL, KLA cd's, whatever...I am in that boat, WAW will not consider our R/M, says done, etc...it's been 5 months...not giving up.
You just have to believe that you can do nothing about his anger. You can choose to give him his space. Heck my WAW told me she has gotten angry, jealous, upset at all the fun 5D and I were having...nothing you can do about them getting mad over going to the zoo, circus, park, whatever...So, definitely nothing you are going to do about his angry "at everything attitude" except be happy, cheerful, pleasant, etc around him. And don't argue with him. It will only validate him.
I go a different way to take 5D school and I do not go to WAW's place the way I use to anymore...maybe you can apply a bit of that to your lunches, work surroundings...
I am beginning to think he is being mean because of the decision he made to leave us. I don't know if that is true but maybe it is me trying to put some sense to this mess.
I stayed up late last night reading the book from the beginning again. I really wish I had know about this before he left. I am just going to keep reading and hopefully one day he will give us a chance again.
