Waw At full speed

[tomcat65]

Well W called this morning,Asked if we could go to the bank and cash the tax checks,I politely told her no.W said i need the money to get my car fixed,and why are you trying to ruin my life!I said i was sorry if you are taking it this way,because that is not my intention.Im not trying to ruin your life.I have a responsibility to my sons.She just keep getting madder you could here it in her voice!Then she just said talk later bye.Most detached conversation i have had yet,remained calm all the way through,said sorry to her three times during.Went excellent and felt in total controll afterwards!!

[25yearsmlc]

way to steer the talk back to the kids. Better yet, keep on the actual issue, which was that you couldn't hand the tax money to her because 1) you didn't have it in your hands, and 2) if it is going to be split, she'll have to wait. Maybe costs for the kids could be taken off the top of the return money, and then split between you two.

Point is you are Always Calm, Always focussed on the NOW issue, which you won't let be enlarged into R talk. The WAS often want to make R talk only long long after the LBSer has pursued, started R talks, and finally stops the chase. The LBSer stops, even if just to catch our breath, and often that is when we start looking around at the advantages of our lives withOUT the WAS, even if just to ease the pain.

It's also the time that a large % of WAS's start looking back over their shoulders to check and see if you've started to heal or move on or, really change. That's when they'll ask themselves some questions, maybe. If they're ready and that's only when enough of the 180's have been seen, and enough consequences from life have started to happen. I've heard that most MLCs take 2 years to get through. I'm in "Piecing" and my h's craziness started, intermittently, 7 years ago. He began obsessing with Alaska and returning there, even though NONE of the kids wanted to and I did not want to. The 4 c's we saw said various forms of telling him he was making choices as if my desires didn't matter as much and he said my feelings about Alaska were "irrational". So here we are, 100's of 1000s poorer, with lots of memories formed without each other. Weird. Not great/ and a lot harder than I thought it would be.
If I knew before I married H, that I could have the same 3 kids with a diff H, I'd probably not marry h. I sometimes see that as really sad but it's such a hypothetical the REAL question and more realistic is whether I'd marry my h if the only way to have our 3 kids, was to go through all this. I would in a heart beat.
Hope that helps, because the 2nd question there is THE question.
(( j ))

[kturnernc]

Good for you Mike. Way to keep her on track with the family. the children come first. It is important to remind her of that. the suggestion to possibly take the money out for the kids first before splitting was a good one. Keep focused on the longer term goals. Those are the most important. The longer term goals are mosre important than the day to day things that pop up and drive the emotional roller coaster. Keep focused and try and stay positive.

Good luck my friend.

[tomcat65]

Ken and J,Yes i agree with you,Im trying to be nice at all times!Regardless of the situation.But I starting to get mad,havent really felt this before now.I cant believe how selfish W is being its all about her and screw everybody else especially her sons its like she could care less as long as she is happy.No matter what the cost.I still have a hard time believing,that this person is my W.My mind has a hard time seeing this person,in any kind of nice way,very dissapointing.Got a letter from Ws laywer for a temporary order to split the tax return in court on May 2.Boy she really is not fooling around about the money.I relly hope i can hold up through this.Cant believe she being this nasty.Im trying to be strong but boy is this getting hard.Im beginning to feel like i might not want her back now!what ever flicker of love i had for her seems to be dying a little more every day,along with the hope that anything can be salvaged out of this.take care Mike

[tomcat65]

Well another update,W showed up last night at 1220 am I get home at 1200am,she dropped off my oldest S,came in the house said Hi to everyone but me!W tried to talk to middle son,who she hasnt talked to in a month.Well he went off like a bomb!Told her your not welcome here,get out of the house and that was all she left.I dont know if i should have stopped it.It only lasted about a minute but i figured he had to get some of it out.Maybe just to show her how much damage she is causing.Dont know take care all Mike

[tomcat65]

Nothing to comment on,everything still the same,no contact.Just waiting till friday for court date,trying to stay strong,doing a pretty good job.Just stressing out.Had a great weekend with sons and friends,we had a cookout and a bonefire after with smores it was a blast.Everyone had fun.I will keep hanging in there.For me and my family,Thanks all mike

[tomcat65]

Well no court date,lawyers agreed to split tax money.So no allimony or child support will be in settlement.W just wants the money.This is going in to high gear now,probably two months or less till we go to court to sign.Still a little sad about that,but I have to just let her go now.She just isnt slowing down at all.But i will be alright,im doing so much better as the days go by.Getting less and less of the bad days.Been thinking about dating again,but i know im not ready yet.Plus i really dont want to drag OW into the middle of this mess untill it is over.Still keeping up the 180s helping my confidence a lot.Still just wondering where life will take me now,probably be one heck of an adventure-Later Mike

[tomcat65]

Well W called yesterday asking where the money was told her the lawyers had it!Asked if she had a minute to talk.Told her she better do something about the two younger sons,they are angry with her because she basicly ignores them.I told her she better try and fix this situation soon before it gets out of control.Ws responce was they will get over it in a couple of years!!What the hell kind of statement is that!!But i didnt loose my cool kept it totaly calm.Still cant even wrap my head around that statement.Is she really that out there now,WOW is all i can say.Later all Mike

[25yearsmlc]

Dear TomCat,

you are doing really well. Yes I recognize how the selfishness can amaze you, even aside from your anger. It's just amazing. But it isn't going to be permanent. You'll see. Besides, at least your boys know YOU will be there for them. It is CRUCIAL that you reassure them of this. It's earth shattering for them to have their mother leave. It's a death, a huge loss for them...be there for them. You'll never regret that.
j-

[tomcat65]

Thanks J,well I seem to be having abad day ,first one in quite awhile.My emotions are all over the place.Torn between keep having hope or just give up and let her go.Its just starting to tear me up!I know i need patience.But I hate feeling this way!I have to detach fully but I just cant get all the way there sometimes.If it wasnt for my kids I think I would be going crazy.Sorry for the rant, just needed to get it off my chest,Thanks Mike