I found your new thread! I think it's the first one I've ever seen with a near the title!
You have lots of time to prepare for the "discussion", so you should really prep for how you want to approach it. Do you want to tell her what you want and then ask what she wants? Do you want to completely throw the ball into her court? Do you want to give her specific options (either we start MC by X date or you're outta there)? Do you want to ask her out on a date?
I feel a little funny trying to give advice on this subject, because I don't think that it's necessarily DBing. I just think you have to know what YOU want before you approach her. What if she asks you what you want??!!! Do you even know? Be prepared!
Marcum, be really careful in comparing our situations! I think you W is acting very MLC like. The good thing about that is that it means things are always changing, and they often do come out of it, if you can take care of yourself in the meantime. If I'm remembering right it hasn't been all that long, this has been at least three years, and really a lot more than that!
(((((palgal)))))(((((new_attitude))))) I think I am as ready as I can be. In a lot of ways I don't think we are really married now, so emotionally "shouldn't" be a huge problem. That's easy to say now, I'm sure it will be worse than I expect! Physically, who knows? Financially, well, it cold be hard. I think I could refinance the house, and get enough out of it to make things work, though I would have to sell it when the market improves, most likely. Or, we could sell it now, and we could be fine. Things will be worse than they are now, of course, but mabe not by as much as it seems.
I'm no sure this is DBing, but I am not sure it is not. Not having R talks, or pushing anything, giving her space, hasn't gotten anywhere for two or three years, not even a single baby step that I can see. So, this is doing something different. If any of you have another idea, please throw it out there!
What do I want? You know, I argue with myself on that. Part of me says I'd me perfectly content if she said she has no interest in working on this. Then it just turns into a series of difficult, but solvable problems. If it wasn't for the kids, I don't think I'd even think twice. But, mostly because of the kids, I would like her to want to try. As far was what that means, I want to give her the chance to define it, because that' the only way she will follow up on it. So, assuming she comes up with a plan I can live with, which has to include MC, and I think IC for her, I will give her a chance to live up to it. If she chooses not to, then we are back to separating.
New_attitude, the cake was awesome! I'm sorry that yesterday was such a down day for everyone!
Check in later (not today later, just later) as I'm sure there will be more meat on the bones of this plan. And please, throw out any ideas you might have!
Okay, here's what I see, and it really really sux to talk about this. Sorry.
You are proposing to throw yourself into the maw of the court system.
Do you have faith that you will be able to keep the house without too much protest from her, and keep custody of the minor children with her just having visitation? 'Cause if not, many would say that you will be *ahem* not happily served by the court system.
The wise men who have been before you on this path say to never leave your house. Just hang in there as much as possible.
Gee, now there's a recipe for complete glee!
Statistically, it's shown that "bad" marriages that can be held together even when bad, within five years are called "good" marriages by the principals. So, it may behoove you to suck it up and make some 180's without using that D word.
How's that for being completely non-helpful????
As you can tell, I have absolutely no good advice, no helpful words, no wisdom on this. It sometimes all just seems like a shot in the dark.
Many times in the foggy past, my decisions were helped along by not "which one is better?" but "which one will I regret the least". Seems to work okay for me.
I hear ya. I ask ny wife if ahe wants things to work but even when she says yes she does EVERYTHING in her power to make this a one way effort...mine. she leaves our dates early to go with friends and she is moving out on sunday.
Well, to be honest, at the moment, it is a one way effort.
So? Is it worth it to you? You are the only one you can control, and holding resentment over this would be a death knell.
I have no answers for you, of course. (Gee, is that a recurring theme or what?) Your call.
Do you have faith that you will be able to keep the house without too much protest from her, and keep custody of the minor children with her just having visitation? 'Cause if not, many would say that you will be *ahem* not happily served by the court system.
I think she would be happy to take her $ and get out of the house. She wants to sell it anyway. So, I don't think that would be a hugs issue. If it was, we could sell it, even now, and come out pretty well. I wouldn't leave the house until thing are agreed to in writing. Yes, there might be a lot of glee!
As far as the kids, I imagine we would get joint custody, I don't see any arguments that either of us could successfully use to get anything different. She has to stay in her resent job for another two years, or she gets to cough up $30,000 for the education they paid for, plus here parents are here, so I don't think she'll be going anywhere. It won't be great, but it would work out ok.
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Statistically, it's shown that "bad" marriages that can be held together even when bad, within five years are called "good" marriages by the principals. So, it may behoove you to suck it up and make some 180's without using that D word.
I think it has been bad for at least 10 years, so that statistic isn't too useful. She seems content with things as they are, and has such a store of built up resentment that I think I could turn into Superman and it wouldn't matter. The bar always gets raised!
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Many times in the foggy past, my decisions were helped along by not "which one is better?" but "which one will I regret the least". Seems to work okay for me.
I like that question. And it is a good one. I will have to think about it some more. But I think I would regret not trying to change things more. The question I have to follow up with is whether this is the least regrettable way of doing it!
Thanks for coming by, F1. I like to hear your thoughts.
Statistically, it's shown that "bad" marriages that can be held together even when bad, within five years are called "good" marriages by the principals. So, it may behoove you to suck it up and make some 180's without using that D word.
Wow.
I always suspected that was the case, but didnt realize that there was statistical evidence for that. Do you remember where you got that number?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
.... But this time, I turned an overhead on then, as well. On my second trip, I found W in there, no problem. She said, don't turn their closet lights on. I said ok. Then she lectured me on the wasted of money, electricity, and environmental impact of having those two compact fluorescent bulbs on for a half hour or maybe forty five minutes. I am sure I rolled my eyes and shook my head, as I walked away. Ooops! So she said, why can't we discuss this, I said you made your point. She said I never acknowledged that she was right. I didn't realize it right then, I should have said "the reason there isn't any point in discussing anything with you is that he only acceptable end is me telling you that you are right!"
Jeff... instead of resenting her, and fighting her... why didnt you acknowlege what she was saying with her long lecture? It was obviously important to her, if she spoke to you about it for that long. And worse yet, when she *engaged* with you, and actually *told you* what was bothering her... why didnt you do so then?
You could have just said (again?) "yes, you are right. It is wasteful to leave on lights, when I am not using them". You chose not to.
Some people just "have to be right", whether they are factually right or not. Your wife was not demonstrating that negative behaviour, even though you imply it in your rant.
What she was saying may have been trivial... but it was also factually "right". You disrespected her on multiple levels by not acknowledging this. (even if she was "wrong" in your view, you should have shown respect for her. But she was right!! )
Sounds like what she may have been wanting for a long time, isnt valentine's day gifts, but personal validation for her opinions, and viewpoints. you havent been giving it to her.
Maybe you could focus on doing that for a few months, and see what happens, before throwing in the towel on your marriage.
Last edited by Dom R; 02/16/0805:48 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
As far as the kids, I imagine we would get joint custody, I don't see any arguments that either of us could successfully use to get anything different. She has to stay in her resent job for another two years, or she gets to cough up $30,000 for the education they paid for, plus here parents are here, so I don't think she'll be going anywhere. It won't be great, but it would work out ok.
Mmmmkay. All right. I'm going to say something inflammatory. You are using good old fashioned logic and common sense here. That may be okay, it may not be okay. And it could change from being okay to not as the emotions and bitterness and anger over the situation build up and potentially explode.
I'd hate to see your lovely family on an episode of Jerry Springer or something.
Is there an OM that you know about? That will significantly change this issue. Very significantly as it will add to the above emotions exponentially.
Your situation sounds most similar to W2S's a few years back to me. I'm not sure he has any advice for you, but I will ask him to check it out.
Originally Posted By: dry_heat
I think it has been bad for at least 10 years, so that statistic isn't too useful.
Uh-oh. MLC time frames???? :-))))) Kidding!
Originally Posted By: dry_heat
Thanks for coming by, F1. I like to hear your thoughts.
You are welcome sweetie. I don't seem to have any good answers or advice. It's a very frustrating place to be, but....
As Granny would say, Expect the Best, Prepare for the Worst. Be prepared to immediately post discussion shield your finances and assets and blah blah blah as much as possible. Maybe a trip to a lawyer to discuss would be very helpful, without putting him on retainer. That's just a red cape to a bull.
Perhaps physically removing you and the boys to a fun hotel for a few days would be helpful. Or something similar. You will know more about what would work and what not.
I don't know that any of us can actually "prepare emotionally" for something like this. Even when we are absolutely positively sure that it is the correct choice. And you seem to be understandably wavering.
It's okay, sweetie. Really. Whatever you choose. It's okay.
near the title!