I think you're making a mistake being so easygoing about this, CE. The cybersex and webcam stuff is really over the top.
I do understand the fantasy appeal of your W being with someone else. Those are the kind of Penthouse Letters fantasies that appeal to me the most. Would she fantasize about it with you without acting it out?
Hoo boy. Ok, as always, my opinion is worth what you paid for it, but .....
Originally Posted By: Crazy Eddie
The whole thing has since progressed to "cybersex" with webcam performances. He says he's going to move here, but won't say when. She told me that if he does show up, she doesn't think she'll be able to stop herself from sleeping with him.
Meanwhile, she's still as loving and affectionate and sexual with me as ever. Well, except for a period of almost a week when he wasn't in contact with her and she went into a funk and wanted nothing to do with anyone. But, fortunately for both of us, she came back out of it.
What was your sex/physical relationship like before this guy came back into the picture? Because the above sounds to me like her relationship with him is spiking her drive through the roof and you're getting the spillover. Not only is that pretty repulsive, being the virtual equivalent of sloppy seconds (IMHO), will it continue if/when he is *physically* available to her? Is her desire being mostly or solely propped up by her affair? How viable is that, long-term?
Originally Posted By: Crazy Eddie
....as long as she remained emotionally and physically intimate with me, I would still want to be with her.
So how can she carry on without losing her feelings for yours truly?
Of course everyone is different, but *please* do not count on her being able to retain her attraction and especially her physical and emotional intimacy with you. I'm trying not to overgeneralize, but IMHO very few women can successfully balance sexual and emotional intimacy with more than one man. Unless he is a crap lover, you are running a big risk here by being so accepting of this. Chances are high that as she continues to bond with him sexually, she will pull away from you, without even meaning to. Even if she thinks you guys are both great in bed, the odds favor him because of the power of Strange, in addition to the ersatz romance attending star-crossed lovers.
It all just sounds like a heartbreaking disaster waiting to happen.
And I, too, have to ask ... where is your self-respect in all this?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I lurk here off and on as you probably know and IMHO you really are crazy if you think this is okay!!!!
An EA that becomes a PA which is what your W is doing/thinking of doing is...totally unacceptable.
Maybe you think well allrighty she will maybe have sex with the guy and somehow get it out her system..sorry not going to happen!!!
You have to have boundaries ...a bit like kids if you knew they were going to do something destructive you would at least TRY to stop them ....not say well alrighty then do what you feel you must and we'll face the consequences afterwards.
Grow some balls..sorry but only thing I feel appropriate right now unless you really don't given a damn about her or what she does.
What was your sex/physical relationship like before this guy came back into the picture? Because the above sounds to me like her relationship with him is spiking her drive through the roof and you're getting the spillover. Not only is that pretty repulsive, being the virtual equivalent of sloppy seconds (IMHO), will it continue if/when he is *physically* available to her? Is her desire being mostly or solely propped up by her affair? How viable is that, long-term?
This is exactly what I was thinking, and yeah, it's way icky if she's having sex with you, CE, because she's horny from her cyberaffair with him. Why is her behavior acceptable to you? I just don't get it. You don't think you deserve a woman who is committed to you and your marriage, who wants to have sex with you and only you because she desires you? Where's the fight for your marriage and your family? If she is testing you, I'd say you're failing miserably.
When I asked why she wanted me, it was a serious question that I was hoping for an answer to. She doesn't quite fit any of the patterns of attraction that I know of so far. And when something doesn't fit, regardless of the state of my self-esteem, I get interested and want to know why.
But, if you adopt the theory that Mrs. Eddie is sexually attracted to people that are similar to me, past or present, her behavior fits nicely. HSEB has a definite physical resemblance to yours truly, and acts quite a bit like I did years ago. That still doesn't explain why she is so different from most of humanity, but at least she's consistent.
I don't think I'm being a "nice guy". There's nothing covert about what I expect or what I'll accept... I've spelled it out in plain English, and I have no problem holding her to it as needed. If she gives me what I want and need from her, I'll be happy to keep her. If she doesn't, and shows no willingness to work with me, I'll cut my losses and move on. I'm not tolerating the intolerable, I'm enjoying being with her. I don't need her, but I want her, and she hasn't given me any reason to even think about giving her up.
What some of y'all have been putting up with would be a deal-breaker for me. If she pushes me away, pays me no attention, refuses to have sex with me, and shows no sign of even thinking that anything needs fixing, that's unacceptable whether she's too busy with another guy, too busy playing on the Internet, or too busy hovering over the children.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Could she cross my boundaries in the future. Yes... if so, will I really be worse off than I'd be right now if they'd been crossed a month ago? I don't see how.
Is she more likely to cross them given what she's up to now? I don't know. She's not following any of the affair patterns I know about. She gives me plenty of attention, she hides nothing, she's given me her passwords and invited me to read anything I want from her message history. Hell, I'm more secretive than she is... she's never heard of this site, for instance.
Is she testing me? I doubt it... if I were failing her tests she'd have turned cold weeks ago.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
What was your sex/physical relationship like before this guy came back into the picture?
Quite good. It hasn't changed much.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
Because the above sounds to me like her relationship with him is spiking her drive through the roof and you're getting the spillover. Not only is that pretty repulsive, being the virtual equivalent of sloppy seconds (IMHO), will it continue if/when he is *physically* available to her? Is her desire being mostly or solely propped up by her affair?
I seriously doubt it. Her desire has varied a bit, but over the past year or so it's been consistently higher than before.
I don't find any of this repulsive at all. On the other hand, I'm completely grossed out by anal sex, which I'm told a lot of people really enjoy. Such is life.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 02/16/0801:56 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Eddie, your posts are so smart, insightful, articulate, sensitive (and you are clearly all of those things)... that it's hard for people to believe that you are even temporarily okay with this situation. It does take all kinds, and maybe you are okay with it. Or maybe you're not sure how you are with it and eventually you'll discover how you feel. I've always believed that if you don't know what to do, don't do anything. So hanging with the sitch (as it were) is probably as good a course as anything. There's no crime in being outside the norm or tolerating more than the people in the middle of the Bell Curve think is tolerable. Just make sure you're being honest with YOURSELF at all times, even if you're not honest here (you certainly owe us nothing) or with your W. If your internal limits change from where they are now, recognize it.
My gut feeling is that being very civilized and rational in the face of outrageous circumstances comes pretty easily to you. You'd probably grab all the right things if your house were burning down around your ears. You're the one people turn to in a crisis because you keep your head. Just don't forget to save yourself.
What some of y'all have been putting up with would be a deal-breaker for me. If she pushes me away, pays me no attention, refuses to have sex with me, and shows no sign of even thinking that anything needs fixing, that's unacceptable whether she's too busy with another guy, too busy playing on the Internet, or too busy hovering over the children.
At least she's being honest with you! Most women wouldn't do that. You seem "okay" with it, whereas others probably wouldn't be. Maybe she just needs to get it out of her system. You'd just better hope that he's a crappy lover!!! HA!
Kellie ------ Me - 27 H - 31 S - born 8/18/2007 Married - 4/24/2005 Together - 7/03/2002
