Beginning again like a newbie

[ACJ]

Not sure I understand this IF you are doing very well financially and H isn,t how will a D be financial suicide for Both of you?

Because we have an extremely low mortgage which I can pay by myself but if I have to buy him out I will struggle. The house is now worth 10 times what we paid for it. I don't have that sort of money to give him or even to remortgage.

remain m to H for the next 5 years

I have never said I intend to drag this out for the full five years (and it would only be another 3 anyway he has already been gone 2).

surely your marriage was not working

While we both worked at it things were fine it was when my H decided to look towards OWs again that things went sour. Even then I did not want to give up on the M, it was his decision to leave.

show neither of you are "understanding each other".

I disagree. I understand him completely. He felt trapped by family life, he wanted to live the life he thought he had missed out on. Trouble is he never actaully gave himself this b/c he walked straight into something that was tantamount to another M. He doesn't want to understand me b/c it doesn't suit his purpose to do so.

I am far from sure you have "let go"

I have admitted this much myself.

The 2x4s are fine Naej but sometimes your tone is not

[ACJ]

Thank you T. I'm sorry you have experienced similar things to me. I would not wish them on my worst enemy.

[naej]

AJC, I can see that a D would not be good for you given your house situation but from your H's point of view he might be better off to a degree,or at least he thinks he would be.
I am sorry you do not like my tone,it is not intentional to upset you. I was just trying to point out some facts as I see them.
This statement says a lot to me but I can see that you do not "read" what I do
"While we both worked at it things were fine it was when my H decided to look towards OWs again that things went sour."
It was fine for you BUT why did he decide to look elsewhere again? I have no idea maybe there is no answer.Maybe it was not fine from his point of view. Maybe even if you knew why you couldn,t fix it.
After many years I have realised our view of our marriage is not the same as theirs and for now that is their reality of it. Just as our hurt and pain is our reality.
So we have to accept that we can only deal with how we survive and get through this.
You say you undertand your h completely-his reasons-you decry his moving into another rel.(we all feel this & it is not a good thing)maybe this was what they call an exit affair, but you also so say he chooses not to understand you because it doesn,t suit him! hmmm again this could be because of the medium we use but this imo sounds slightly controlling and again imo I feel this added to a firey nature is your biggest downfall.
I guess we shall have to agree to disagree and I shall leave your thread but I hope you take a calm moment to ponder my thoughts.I am not saying lie down and give your H his D and whatever he wants. I am saying make it as amicable and civil as it can be whilst protecting your interests and your childrens,so that there is the least amount of bitterness between you and therefore less to heal or hinder any future relationship you have with him.And do choose your battles for the right reasons.
You do so well and then you have "the cut off my nose to spite my face moments" and undo the progess you make.
I truly do wish you well and happiness in your life whatever path you choose.
It is very late so I hope this translates as I have intended it to read.

[ACJ]

There is no reason for you leave my thread Naej I just wanted to make the point that sometimes you are a little more cutting than I am in a position to be able to take right now. I don't need to feel criticised I do enough of that for myself.

but from your H's point of view he might be better off to a degree,or at least he thinks he would be.

Yes that is the crux of the matter. It can be no coincidence that his 'deadline' coincides with when OW looses her job and they will be even more financially strapped. Interestingly I learned today that they are thinking of buying her a car as if she gets the next job she has applied for she will 'need one to get there'. I know public transport isn't brilliant in this country but surely if you are already struggling to eat it should be the preferred method of travel?

why did he decide to look elsewhere again?

The answer to that question is what I need in order to gain some sort of peace. I need to know what I have to put right. H is not prepared to give me that answer. He can't see that if he does things will probably improve in his favour.

maybe this was what they call an exit affair

Yes he most definately had one of those but not with the OW he is with now. He met her a month down the line and 2weeks after finishing with the other young girl that he had the exit affair with. He has admitted as much to his brother.

but you also so say he chooses not to understand you because it doesn,t suit him!

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one. In the entire time he has been left he has not allowed me to express how I feel about any of this that is why I say he chooses not to understand.

I am saying make it as amicable and civil as it can be whilst protecting your interests and your childrens,

That's all I have ever tried to do and if what I write comes across differently then I need to learn to write in a different style.

the cut off my nose to spite my face moments

I'd love you to tell me precisely where you have seen this in the last few days. All I am trying to do is handle the interactions that HE throws at me. Right now I would rather not have any interactions with him at all b/c it hurts too much to do so.

[princess_nic]

Because we have an extremely low mortgage which I can pay by myself but if I have to buy him out I will struggle. The house is now worth 10 times what we paid for it. I don't have that sort of money to give him or even to remortgage.

Is this likely to change? Or will you be in this sitch regardless of when you D?

Did you tell him this is why you want to wait? I may have missed that. I can see why he would be frustrated if he doesn't understand why you are waiting. My H willfully misunderstood, and assumed I was lying, so I understand also if that is the case.

Nicola

[ACJ]

Or will you be in this sitch regardless of when you D?

Yes this will be the case regardless of when we D. Currently the market is low so it would actually be a good time to D (if there ever is one). Even if (God forbid) my parents were to die and I became eligible for any inheritance they have left me it wouldn't change my financial situation b/c they have had it written into thier will that until my D is final I will not receive a penny. They have done this to protect thier money and me and I totally understand why.

Did you tell him this is why you want to wait?

No I didn't. He knows the same as I do that financial things are unlikely to change in the near future. He wanted to be D six weeks after we had been S two years (in England this is the earliest you can get M again after a D). He never said it was b/c he wants to M OW but they are engaged so it would be a fair assumption to look at it this way.

My H willfully misunderstood

My H refuses to engage in any conversation other than that which HE chooses to enter into. He is simply not interested in what I have to say. It's his way.... end of! He will not allow me to state how I feel either about him or our finances. He cannot bear to be in the same room as me for longer than he has to.


I have a question for you all:

When H was here on Friday he gave me the monthly cheque which should make the maintenance he pays me the amount specified by my L. (He refuses to put the standing order up). It was for a very small amount in the grand scheme of things (less than £100). It was less than last month b/c he said his L had told him it was ok to take the amount he pays for S15s gym membership off it. I didn't complain about this but asked him to cancel the membership as he never takes S15 to the gym and he is too young to go by himself. That sets the scene.

Here is my question:
As I stated this cheque was for a relatively small amount. I can manage w/o it. From what the children have said H needs this money at the moment more than I do. I have considered giving it back to him and telling him what I have just outlined above. Is this the right thing to do?

[princess_nic]

Alison,

Two things:

Re. the cheque: I think you should keep it b/c he could well accuse you of prying and not take it as you intend, and also b/c if I remember correctly, you've had difficulty getting him to pay what he should be, so I think this is somewhere that you need to draw a line.

Re. the D: What is your strategy here? I thought you weren't trying to delay it anymore?

N

[charlie_girl]

Hi ACJ,

We are in the same position, our house has tripled in value and neither of us can buy the equity of the other out, or afford a new place at current prices. We agreed if we divorced that we would have the house appraised to determine the equity, and whoever kept the house would sign a document that would give the other one their half of the appraised equity when the remaining one either re-married, sold the house, or died. So far we have not had to exercise this, but is this something you could have your lawyer propose to your H?

[ACJ]

I thought you weren't trying to delay it anymore?

I'm not deliberately. I'm just so far behind with my uni work that I am making it a priority. If he was just prepared to wait until the end of May it wouldn't be a problem. however as I said everything has to be on his time line irrespective of what else is happening in our lives.

[ACJ]

whoever kept the house would sign a document that would give the other one their half of the appraised equity when the remaining one either re-married, sold the house, or died

Welcome to my thread CG. It's a good idea but as H already has plans to M OW it wouldn't really delay anything. Besides whilst my children are under 18 I am more likely to get to keep the house (althogh no guarnetee). Once they are all 'off my hands' I could find myself having to sell and move just b/c it's H's wish. As traumatic as it is I think now is the best chance I've got of keeping the house. I just don't know how the hell I'm going to afford it. H has already split our family apart I'm going to try really hard to make sure he doesn't loose us the only home our children have ever known as well.

Looking at your tag line CG I think you have more of a chance of saving your M than me (even though our timeines seem similar)