It was a year ago tonight that my H confessed his affair to me. I had always thought that those words from my H would be the hardest ones to swallow, but at that point in time, it was almost a relief. I had gone through months with knowing there was something wrong and being accused of being suspicious etc. I was almost relieved to know that I wasn't going crazy. I'm not sure how I got through that. Yes I do. I came to this board about 3 times a day to get advice. And I followed it to a tee. None of it made sense to me..the making yourself better...the detachment...the unconditional love. but I did it anyway. I have read Michelle's book at least a half dozen times. It makes more sense now than it did at first, maybe because my life is not in crisis now. Last night my h was holding me while we were sitting in front of a fire outside and was telling me how much he loved me. He told me that the only thing that burned brighter than the fire was his love for me. Sounds corny, but I wanted romance and that's what he was trying to give me. I told him that my definition of romance has changed. What was really romantic was when he got off work at midnight and went to the next town where he went to the town shed and was shoveling mulch into the back of his truck for my flower gardens (he got permission first). That is romantic and that is how he shows his love for me. I had many accolades at work this year...it was a big one for me. One of my colleagues who new about my H's affair told me at the end of the school year that she was thankful that I brought some attention to our school. I told her that none of that mattered to me. The only thing that mattered to me was that I kept my family together. We both were in tears by then. An affair does not have to mean the end of a marriage. Over the past year I have thought a lot about my H and his affair. I forgave him a long time ago. Forgetting will never happen. I have become a different person because of it...and I think it is all for the best. I always think before I speak, now. I make a decision as to whether what I want to say or complain about is really worth the consequences that will follow. I am ever so attentive to my husband....even when I am so tired that I can hardly move. But he is the same way to me. I don't ask questions about his affair that I don't really want to know the answers to. She is nothing to me and I don't make her an issue ever. I don't ever throw anything in his face. He made a mistake and we're chalking it up to that.
Our anniversary is Aug. 24th. it will be 15 years of marriage then. Last year we took the boys to a baseball game at a field that my H had taken the OW only a few weeks before. I had all I could do to hold back the tears the whole time. Not even a mention of our anniversary was made until late that night when I told him for what it was worth, happy anniversary. Ihope I had given him at least some good memories.
He went to a golf clinic today and then off to work. He called 3 times just to tell me he missed me and that he loved me. We are taking the boys on a family vacation this Friday. It is a whole different summer than it was last year.
Believe me folks. I know the pain of rebuilding and the toll it is taking on you. The betrayed spouse seems to have to work harder because we are the ones with our heads screwed on the right way (although it may not seem that way to you). I believe that while my H was carrying on, he was really looking for help. That when he told me about the affair he wanted me to make the decisions for him.. But I found the strength somewhere within to let him make all his decisions. And he decided to stay and be part of our marriage again.
The one thing I don't understand is the attitude of some family members. Although our boys and I have forgiven him, some family members have made it perfectly clear that they want nothing to do with him. That breaks my heart, because he is really trying. I hope in time they will come around. But aside from that, life is good. I wish the best for each and everyone on this board...with or without your spouse. Remember..you are good and definitely worth it. For those of you who are where I am...Kudos. For those of you still in limbo...patience. It is all worth it in the end. Thanks to all of you who have listened and helped. It has meant so much to me. I may have been in the divorce thread had I not found you all in time. Much love to all. Karen
Thank you so much Karen for sharing with us again. My H and I are in the process of reconciling after a long separation and your words concerning romance and perhaps what is truly important really struck home with me. Sometimes I think we can be too rigid in feeling we need some textbook definition of things when right before us are the real answers. My H has truly begun to show his love in many ways and I've realized that the rebuilding process has to contain a fair amount of flexibility to avoid early frustration.
Please share more with us. It really is wonderful to read the success stories. Best to you and your family--Jamie
Your post has brought tears to my eyes. It is wonderful to read about success. Congratulations to you and your H!!
I am at the very, very beginning of a possible reconcillation with my H. I don't have my own topic here yet (I'm still in the "Surviving the Big D" forum, but hope to be here again soon).
BTW, why do we always remember "those" dates???
Wishing you continued success,
Chelsea
[This message has been edited by Chelsea (edited 08-14-2000).]
Thanks so much for the update as I consider you one of my special DB friends.
I,too,remember when you first visited the board last summer.Your posts held such anguish.I was suffering too,but was about eight months ahead of you on "the journey" and I tried to reach out and help you along.In doing so... I was also helping myself.
Unlike you you I didn't discover DBing until my marriage had been in crisis for about 5 months.However,once I caught on,progress was made daily and as you know my marriage has not only survived,but has THRIVED.
My anniversary was last month and it was so very different from last year's unhappy time.I feel so loved!!! I truly can identify with you and your success.
My only wish is the many of the newcomers on this board would be as studious and willing learn as you were.
Karen,you zoomed to the ahead of the clas in a very short time.Proof again that DBing is effective!
I am sending you a big hug from a fellow traveler...Jenny Baker
PS...Karen.I have had some comments from folks in my family and from some friends,too.(perhaps,I should say attitudes)You know I have learned to answer questions in a brief manner and can redirect attention rather quickly.Give it time,karen and don't let them spoil your happiness for one second!
Thanks for your replies and continued support. Rebuilding is not easy...and yes..those dates we remember. It seeems like after I learned about the affair and put things together, most of the bad things happened on important occasions: each of my sons' birthdays, Easter Sunday, My H's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day, June 22 (I know that makes no sense to you but that was the night that I thought my h was working overnight so I drove 70 miles round trip to where he worked to drop off clothes and toiletries for him...only to find out at a later date he was only working his shift and intended to spend the night with OW...how stupid was I???). I always wondered how I would make it through those days this year...but I did. This is where the tongue biting has to take place...I was hurting thinking about those times, but I had to think about what the consequences would be if I brought them up to him. By not saying anything, I think he realized those would be tough for me and suddenly he was more attentive without a word from me...like the 3 phone calls yesterday. I am happy now...but it hasn't been easy. That MLC monster is a crazy one and tough to conquer. My children got through the whole thing pretty much in tact. They are good kids and love both of us very much. But they also know what their dad did was wrong. I hope that will help them in their future relationships. Patience "Hope)...how are things with you? It has been a long time and I haven't really been keeping up with the board as often as I'd like to. I want to thank you especially for all your help and advice throughout the past year. To all of the rest of you...be patient. Be happy. Work on yourself and your PMA. Love your children. Only ask questions that you know you can handle the answers to. If your spouse is having an affair, remember..the OW/OM is not important to you at all. To this day I don't know who she was , where she lived, or what she looked like. I do know he works with her, but he doesn't have much contact with her. It bothered me at first, but as our relationship got better, the fact they worked at the same place became less of a threat. My prayers go out to each of you on your journies. Good things will be yours. Karen
PS. Jenny, I just posted at the same time you did. Thanks for being there. You were a big inspiration to me the whole time I was going through rough waters. I was so happy to hear of your success...finally. When you set your sights and have a goal...there are many obstacles in the way. You came through them beautifully. i think the whole process , although hurtful, was for a reason. I became a stronger, happier person. I have a better outlook on life. I am even more independent which adds to our relationship. I know you can relate to all those things as well. Be happy, Jenn
[This message has been edited by KarenMP (edited 08-14-2000).]
Karen, It is so good to read your message! I am very, very happy for both of you. You did the hard work it takes to make a marriage work. You didn't let hurt and devastation stop you from knowing how important it is to keep your family together. Congratulations for being strong and for having a husband who is smart enough to realize he made a mistake. You both are very fortunate.
Keep Dbing and posting. You're an inspiration. Michele
Wow Karen congratulations on your success. Your story and mine are very similar. I guess a lot of ours are. I came to this board a year ago last June just before you with the same heartbroken devastation we have all experienced. Jenny Baker,GG, and others held my hand and showed me that I could make the difference in whether my marriage survived. It was just after my wedding anniversary too. So I am only two months ahead of you.
Sounds like you are a real expert at DBing. I still find it hard to bite my tounge sometimes but you are right that it does no good to remind our H's of what they did.
We too have found happiness and I believe him when he says it will never happen again. Our 9 month old grandson is the light of our lives these days. Thanks to everyone on this board my H and I have an intact family that will be healthy and tight knit for the rest of our lives. We are able to show our children and grandchildren that good marriages are possible.
So much is gained for not only ourselves but all of those that we love when we are able to demostrate what marriage is all about. Commitment, loyalty, and unconditional love are possible. I know now that I am better equiped to teach my child and grandchildren how to have happy lives and marriages. We have learned what is truly important in life.
