What the he!! is happening now?

[trytoohard]

I think you may have misunderstood me.

I did not misunderstand you, I miscommunicated my desired response.

I am just saying that I get to the point that I am not sure that I want to wait forever for him. I am entitled to be treated right. I would never just jump into a relationship. But I can not wait my whole life for him either. What if he never address his issues? Which is entirely possible.

You should not wait forever for him and you are entitiled to be treated right. But being treated right and waiting for him is two different things. What I was trying to convey is that the prospect of another relationship should in NO WAY affect your decision to stand for your marriage.

I too have been in therapy for almost two years and one of the things my therapist said at one point is "your husband will fail to match your expectations of the ideal relationship for a very long time. You have to decide if you have worked long enough alone or not." If you decide to move on and stand down, it should be because you are ok with being alone for awhile and treating yourself right.

What i was getting at is if he came to me and said he wanted this back I would be willing to do what it took to put the marriage back together. I would be willing to try because of the the kids. Making hard to just walk away. I would not take him back unless he truly wanted it. And he would have to make some major changes.

The message here is that you would try BECAUSE of the kids. Reconciliation most often starts not because the WAS wants to but because they are scared and don't want to lose everything. The wanting to be with you comes after he is comfortable in his own skin again and trust has been rebuilt. Bravo on insisting on major changes!

The thing I was refering to here is the non alien man I knew and loved for so many years. He is capable of being loving and kind and caring. Somewhere deep inside he is a great man that is thoroughly depressed, confused, and messed up right now. I also know that being this mean guy just adds more guilt and anger to his already guilt ridden and angry Mind.

None of us marry aliens. We marry illusions or our idea of who someone is. Most of us are on our best behaviors when intially building a relationship. We showcase the best parts of ourselves, sometimes for many years, until all of the anger and frustration that has been packed away begins to overflow. You are now seeing the full range of what he is truly capable of and it aint pretty. We all have a dark side, we are all have the capacity to behave in reptilian ways. Yes, your H is depressed, guilty and confused and yes, your H loves you. He thinks highly of you but you are right, if he acknowledged that, he would look like the idiot he feels he is. It's your love that causes him pain and confusion. In his mind, who on earth could possibly love him? In his mind, the meaner he his, the better chance it is that you will walk away and absolve him of having to make a decision.

Keep loving him, it drives them nuts!

H and I have been seperated for 2 1/2 years and have been working toward reconcilliation for over a year. We are both in therapy, individually and together at times with the same therapist. Most of the above comes from my H's musings on his behavior during MLC.

My H told me that he was mad as hell when I refused to budge but he also respected me for the first time in years.

[celestial]

B2M

There is always hope, what you need is patience. This MLC will take some time. Try to remain on friendly terms with him. Keep things calm on your end, and let him threaten all he wants. Don`t back down.

I`m happy to see that you have plans to protect yourself and the children. Maybe you could seek out some legal advice so you know your rights. He can`t walk away from his family and expect to pay almost nothing. This is one reality he will soon find out about.

In the mean time, focus on you. Only you and your children. The time will come to move on to someone else.

Yes, play it through and see what happens. His sudden change is his MLC mind. His anger and meanness is at himself for being such a jerk, not at you. It helps to remember that.

Good Luck
Celestial

[bright 2 morro]

Try,
Thank you for clarifying what you were trying to say. I love my H very much. I am not sure I will ever stop loving him. I have moved way beyond him in this RAT race. I guess I am not sure he will ever be able to understand what he is doing. I also know that in order for me to do what I need to do for me and the kids I need to move on.

Because I do feel the way I do about him I agonize over hurting him in my decision making. I know that he is just threatening me and most of the MLCers eventually like that we stand up for ourselves. I pretty much told him yesterday that his threats were not going to work for me anymore because I do not care if he comes back or not. So using that as a threat is not going to work.


Celestial,
Thank you for the reminder.

Yes, play it through and see what happens. His sudden change is his MLC mind. His anger and meanness is at himself for being such a jerk, not at you. It helps to remember that.

I do know this and remind myself every day of this. But I am also getting to the point where I am begining to think that he will never see the light and then I would be the fool for believing in him and loving him for no reason what so ever. I am really begining to think that he does not ever plan on coming back. And maybe this is where I need to be in order to protect myself. Patience I have but tolerance is a completely different thing. I am better than all of this and did not deserve any of this.

Because I know what I know about MLC and what he is going through I was able to forgive him for all he has done up to this point. Because I took the time to research and figure it out I can truly understand him and feel sorry for him. But in the end this is all his doing. And he is using threats to control me. Threats about not coming back or fighting me in court. He has to know that I do not care and that the threats are not going to work with me anymore.

I have done so much thinking over the weekend. I have gotten mad at him in my head. Mad because in order for me to put me first I need to do things that will upset him and make him angry. I am so not that person. Never have been and do not want to be that type of person. But I am not sure i can live with what he is proposing for child support. And I am pretty sure that even if I come back with something in the middle then he is going to be mad at me again. If I agree to this there will just be something else he will try to force me into. There is no way I will be able to win on anything.

B2M