What now? MLC Doldrums.

[maelstrom]

Hello, this is my first post here, although I've been reading loads.

My basic situation is this. Me - 44, H - 47, D - 9, D - 8, S - 6. Husband was in mild MLC since 2005 approx. Last year his mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly which precipitated a lot of extreme behaviour including OW, depression etc etc.

2007 there was a lot of coming and going, all the usual MLC blah, right from the script. I worked hard on GAL, detaching, tried 180 you name it.

August 2007 I lay down the law and state my boundaries - if OW is involved then we're heading for the big D. I tell everyone close what he is up to including his family with whom I have a very good relationship. So H to's and fro's some more then in Nov decides that OW is not for him and he wants to come home. OK, well up until then we'd been reconnecting great, good relationship - getting on well, the signs were all looking good.

However since he has made the decision to come back things have changed. H now sleeps in a separate bedroom because he needs 'his space'. OK, I thought I can live with that for a while. We are now like two polite strangers in the house. H works away during the weeks so has got himself a little flat and has taken some of his stuff down to make it more 'homey'. OK I don't miss the stuff at all, it's the implications that are hard to miss.

It feels very strongly as if he is 'pretending' we are separated/Divorced when actually we aren't. I don't know if OW is still on the scene, my gut feeling is that they are still in contact although she lives in another country. H has been phoning me twice a day at all hours but everything else about his life is secret. There is no remorse, no sorry, no gestures of affection. Frankly I am losing patience. Finances are completely separate, secret bank accounts etc etc. He is still looking after us financially and comes home every weekend but it doesn't feel right.

This is not the relationship I want and I am seriously thinking of proceeding with D. Now he is saying that we should drive 400 miles to see him every other weekend instead of him coming home. Three young kids can't be expected to do this every other weekend surely, they have activities and things to do here, this is like access arrangements with me participating!! It doesn't feel like a family thing at all.

I'm pretty confused about this and my gut is screaming at me that there is another agenda here but maybe I'm being too suspicious.

I know that people say you've got to hang on as long as possible and then wait some more, well I'm still hanging on. I do want my H back, but not like this. I do still love him deep down somewhere but I feel like he's creating irreversible damage.

Just wanted to run this by you all and see if there are any wise words to help me here.

I did go to C for a while and it really helped me move on, I know I can't change or influence my H, he has to find his own way out of this, but it feels like hope is fading for us. I have decided to go dark for a while for my own benefit. I can't listen to H spouting on about how I'm not keeping the family together when he decides on plans without consulting me. Everything is to suit him atm.

Sorry this is so long.........hoping for some advice.

[Tia]

Hi there!

Thanks for visiting. This may seem like a HUGE mountain to climb; however, develop a strategy. Situations can change for the better. Yes, go dark for a season. It may be difficult, but show the giant within! Remember, divorce is a *lifetime*.

You mentioned that counseling helped you. Keep in mind that Michele's staff offers solution-oriented therapy. They focus on solutions, rather than analyzing the past. Please feel free to contact them.

Next, I ask, what would be positive steps for his return?Implement a strategy, know your goals, and watch for the praise reports. Yes, this includes the baby steps.

I understand how you're feeling. Please do not give up. Visit this site and post whenever needed.

Hang in there!

All the Best,
/Tia

[maelstrom]

Hi, thanks for the reply.

It does indeed seem like a mountain at the moment! I understand your point about positive steps and I feel like I have been doing pretty well on that - trying to correct the things that were wrong in the M before H's crisis, trying to make ME a better person. So we've had better family time, generally making home a more positive place for him, made time for us to go out as a couple. However these are all things I've initiated, he does even less than he did before this MLC. I am having trouble seeing any commitment on his part to our relationship at the moment.

We don't talk about our R, we don't talk about steps to make things better, we don't talk about the future at all! I know that I should wait for him to bring it up and that he may not be capable of talking at the moment but it is very frustrating.

I'd be interested in any ideas for suitable strategies......

[bright 2 morro]

Hi
I am so sorry to read this. But I thought it might help that this may be pretty normal for MLC.

My H pretty much did the same thing. He was involved in affair for a few months and moved out. Came home but did not cut off contact with OW (or so I suspect now). Said he did but I do not think he did and questioned it at the time as well. He was home for 4 months and never once moved back into the bedroom. He moved out again in October and it was bad for 3 months then we got along great for January. Now he is very mean and distant again.

Unfortunatly, I think you are going through the same thing as most. If his actions are all about him then it is pretty normal. The one thing I see right now is that if my H does not get things his way he becomes mean and threatens and blames me.

Here is a good example. For Xmas the kids got him a portable dvd player for the car it broke a week after xmas. I brought it back and got him a better more expensive one. He thought it was great. The kids got me a printer for xmas. It did not work, he took it back and has yet to replace it. Instead he bought himself a new laptop. When I would not agree to less childsupport for him he has been mean and nasty. All about him.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is the hardest thing to go through.

Best wishes and you will be in my prayers.

B2M