Recognized a pattern, don't know if I like it.

[sleeper]

When she's broken she comes to me.........

I think I'll write a song.

I have noticed a definate pattern of W turning to me for help and even emotional support when she is stressed out, overwhelmed etc.

This is a relatively new development as it has become evident over the last four months;

October: plumbing disaster at house she turned to me.

January: emotional crisis (OM there but no support) she turned to me.

February: W gets flu, calls me in the middle of night to come to her and help her. I help her over following three days.

In general this all seems good as OM is not fulfilling her emotional needs (he is a "get over it" kind of jerk) and she had not turned to me for a long time.

On the other hand I fear (the mind killer) that I am just playing into her fantasy of the future, where she will get to keep the aspects of our marriage she chooses in a post divorce relationship. Dare I say "cake eating"?

Another recent development is evidence of guilt on her part. In the beginning she showed none, but has of late (since Christmas). She wanted me to go home and return early in the morning the night she was sick. Said she didn't feel comfortable with me staying the night, but then called as soon as I got home and told me that was wrong of her and she should have let me stay the night.

Another speed bump on the road to marriage restoration is on the horizon as my lawyer emailed me yesterday that a new court date has been set for late March. W's lawyer has taken the initiative to get things going as he sent a letter to W that he hasn't recieved what he needs from her or me. I think he is trying to beat the statute of limitations on the original filing, make some money, or shake things up so it will be brought to an end one way or another and no longer be his problem. Maybe all three.

Her lawyer sent her TWO letters yesterday. I was there when she got them as I took them out of her mailbox and handed them to her. I would think a lawyer could get his stuff in one sock, so to speak, so that probably means both letters had been in the mailbox for a while. Wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't opened them.

Do I continue to meet her needs or stop and give her a taste of divorced life?

Answering my own question I plan to keep meeting her needs as she responds positively when I do and hope she wakes up from all this before the court date in March. If she doesn't by then it will be too late and what have WE got to lose?

[sleeper]

Oh yea I almost forgot!

W apologized for the, "PAST YEAR BEING SO CRAZY" the other night. If I had not been in shock I think I would have passed out. She hasn't apologized for anything in over a year.

I told her it was OK, I still love her, she responded "I still love you too."

After taking three steps back and slapping myself to see if I was dreaming I quickly decided to have no expectations from this.

[Rollercoasterider]

Sleeper,

Trust your jusdgement; you are doing fine in this--I mean, you answered your own question!

This is normal behaviour it seems. You need to balance boundaries and letting her Stand on her own--and Fall on her own, with still being there for her. UGH, it's tough. You don't want to be completely available, but if she truly needs you, be there.

So if she's in an auto accident and either stuck on the freeway or even worse, at the hospital--you can help her or at least be there for her.
But consider some of the less urgent and/or more minor incidents as things she needs to learn to handle on her own. If necessary, perhaps you could guide her--such as what plumber to call and maybe the appropriate qustions to ask.

MAybe she is progresssing--apoligies and responding positively to you meeting her needs. Great!
But you are smart to have no expectations still. There can be a lot of waivering back-and-forth.

AS for waking up in March before a divorce is final. The divorce may continue to be postponed either by her, the legal system or both. But you said it will be too late if she doesn't wake up by then--when a divorce becomes final?

Why is that? Are you Standing only until that point?
No judgment, just asking.

You are doing so well. Just keep trusting yourself.

HUGS,
RCR

[sleeper]

Thanks RCR,

I'm thinking too much again! Sat. AM when I was at her place the phone rang and she sai, "I'm sitting here talking with my ex-husband." A little while ago she said on the phone, let's keep the kids in the school they're in "no matter what happens". Second time she's said "no matter what happens" in the past few days. What's up with that? does it mean she's not sure what's going to "happen", not sure we're going to get a D?

As far as standing only until and if a D, that's where I am now. I feel it's going to be really ugly if we go through that as my idea of what's fair and her idea of what's fair are light years apart.

I also don't know if I could trust someone after a D.

[Rollercoasterider]

Sleeper,

Second time she's said "no matter what happens" in the past few days. What's up with that? does it mean she's not sure what's going to "happen", not sure we're going to get a D?

Yes, that sounds like what it means! MLCers are often uncertain. They try to convince themselves and others they are certain, but the waivering is constant for some.

As far as standing only until and if a D, that's where I am now. I feel it's going to be really ugly if we go through that as my idea of what's fair and her idea of what's fair are light years apart.

I also don't know if I could trust someone after a D.

Okay, it may get Ugly. But it sounds like it's not so much Ugly as you will Stand up for what you feel is right regarding you and the kids--do as you feel is best for them and fgight for that and that she may react with anger and spew.

Yeah, MLCers do that. Let her get Ugly. Is the point of no return then because you think she will hate you too much to rebuild or because she will become so much worse that you will not take her back?

You seem like a great guy, great husband, great Dad. Keep being that guy. That means you are firm--tough love, but decent and cordial even when she is spewing Ugly. Not a doormat,, but tough love.

As for not being able to TRust someone after a divorce...
So with everything she has done up to this point, you can trust her, but a piece of paper will change that?

SOrry, I don't get it. I get it if you mean that Ugly actions that may result from the divorce create less trust. But less trust simply because of the paper...? So which is it?

HUGS,
RCR

[forward]

Sleeper, these sound like positive moves. Unfortunately I got a definitive thing that H wants D.

[sleeper]

RCR,

Fool me once; Shame on you!
Fool me twice; Shame on me!

Breton,

I'm really sorry to hear that. How do you know it's "definitive"?

[bombardier50]

OK Sleep, here's my two cents.

Be a friend. Even if there is a divorce, the kids will still bring the two of you together from time to time for the REST OF YOUR LIVES. She will never, ever, be totally out of your life. If you can maintain the friendship, things will be a lot easier on you AND the kids.

So don't be afraid to help her out. Do what a friend would do.

Go back and read "While Your Spouse Decides" in the Articles section of this website. A see a lot of similarities with your sitch here.

Try to stop predicting the future and thinking about what might happen. Has she filed yet? Nope. Who cares what the lawyer's doing. And if she actually does file, so be it. I see too many people here who decide that once the divorce happens, it's over, that's the end. I'm not so sure, but then again, I'm an eternal optimist.

Buddy, sounds to me like you're doing everything write. You're a good man. She's lucky to have you in her life.

Bomb

[sleeper]

Bomb,

She did file, back in August of 07.

This morning I told her, "I think you and I are the only two sane people left" (several of our friends doing crazy stuff) she replied, "I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT, WE ARE THE ONLY SANE ONES"

If she's not coming out of this mcl, she's doing a good job of fooling me.

[forward]

Sleeper, it seems definitive because he has not changed his song and dance about getting D for some months now.

Says we are incompatible personality wise.