Some of you might recall that just shortly before H quit drinking I stopped saying ILY. One time he begged me to say it and I said I would only say it when I felt it.
A couple of times since then he has made an issue of this. Saying he is being made miserable by being left on tenterhooks and that I should just "do the decent thing" and tell him I no longer love him. We had a long talk about it a couple of weeks ago and I just said that the difference between now and before he quit drinking is that now I have hope. He seemed to accept this and not continue to insist that I declare my love for him.
I know he will be disappointed if I don't write ILY on his Valentine card. A couple of times in the last few weeks I have looked at him and felt a strong urge to say it. If I look at it closely I think the real reason I won't say it now is that I feel like it would be letting him off the hook. That's not a nice thing to realise about my behaviour. It's fear really, fear of him back-sliding if he gets too comfortable.
I don't want to be forced by some random date in the calendar into just saying it for a quiet life. Neither do I want to be forced by that same date into generating conflict and misery by not saying it.
What to do?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Here's a thought. Do something nice for him, but not necessarily with him. Maybe go all out in the kitchen or something. If he says anything, say you need more time.
Good luck.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
If I look at it closely I think the real reason I won't say it now is that I feel like it would be letting him off the hook. That's not a nice thing to realise about my behaviour. It's fear really, fear of him back-sliding if he gets too comfortable.
That's another attempt at controlling him there. Also, I don't think he was ever "comfortable"... if he was, he wouldn't be looking for ways to escape or hide (including, but not limited to, alcohol). Give him what you can, especially as he's doing well now, and be straight with him... if you feel love for him, don't hide it because you think you have to keep putting the screws to him.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I agree with CE that if you feel like telling your H that you love him, tell him. If you don't feel like it, then don't. As hard as it is to do, you have to let the chips fall where they may and let him be who he is going to be. I do understand your fear. IMO the best thing you can do is to be honest with your feelings. You can't control the outcome by withholding them.
You are right of course if I feel it I should say it. For clarification HD - that's what I meant - when I feel like I love him.
When H and I first got together I knew I loved him because my heart would give an excited little skip at the thought of seeing him again. In these last 8 years or so my heart has sunk to my boots at the thought of him walking into the house. I don't expect to get back to the point of feeling the same excited feelings but I would like to get back to feeling happy anticipation when I hear the key in the door. I do now feel comfortable with him walking in, not dread so that is an improvement.
I totally agree that I am being controlling by not saying it when I do feel it. OTOH H has handed that control over to me. If he loves me he needs to get to the point where he is comfortable to let me be and to let me let him be.
When we had the first talk about it (still drinking) he claimed that love was a constant thing and when it was off it was off like a light and that was that. Kind of like a life really something is either alive or it is dead - no in between. I don't feel like love is like that, I feel like it is something that ebbs and flows. Sometimes it is just oozing out of everything you do for that person (or they do for you), sometimes it goes on vacation, sometimes it just kind of hangs out and reads the paper. So to me it seems like if I say ILY to him in his terms it means that constant thing, whereas in my terms it means "in this moment I feel love for you".
It's a bit like what Deida says about women lying, we don't lie we just express what we feel in the moment and that can change. The love I feel when I feel it is a surge of pure delight in spending that moment with that person. How could that be constant?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Well, how about this analogy: love is like the electrical current flowing through the wires, and that "surge of pure delight" is like those power surges that fry our tv's and computers. Love can be there even at a very low current. When it stops, it's like when the power company cuts you off due to lack of payment. Or when the current stops due to lack of maintenance of the wires (like when squirrels eat them in the attic). Hmmm... that's actually a pretty good analogy. To keep the current flowing, keep your payments and maintenance up to date. But the current is still flowing even without the surges.
When we had the first talk about it (still drinking) he claimed that love was a constant thing and when it was off it was off like a light and that was that. Kind of like a life really something is either alive or it is dead - no in between. I don't feel like love is like that, I feel like it is something that ebbs and flows. Sometimes it is just oozing out of everything you do for that person (or they do for you), sometimes it goes on vacation, sometimes it just kind of hangs out and reads the paper. So to me it seems like if I say ILY to him in his terms it means that constant thing, whereas in my terms it means "in this moment I feel love for you".
I read this about a couple that was asked how they had stayed married for over 50 years. The wife's answer was that "we never fell out of love with each other AT THE SAME TIME." (My emphasis added) I thought that was profound in the thought that the being in love "feeling" can ebb and flow. At the same time, just because I am not "feeling" love toward my spouse would not mean that I would stop treating them with love. Sometimes our feelings of love are not as much based on how lovable the other person is but how lovable we are feeling. If I'm in an unhappy or bad mood, it would seem normal that my loving feelings might not be as strong as when I am in a good mood.
Just my thoughts...
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I know he will be disappointed if I don't write ILY on his Valentine card.
... I don't want to be forced by some random date in the calendar into just saying it for a quiet life. Neither do I want to be forced by that same date into generating conflict and misery by not saying it.
What to do?
Fran
Do you care about him? Do you want the best for him? Do you not want to ever hurt him?
If the above are all true, then you love him. So why not write it, if it is true?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
