My last thread ...Back to Manipulation or Motivation...probably will lock soon so I thought this title was appropriate for the way that I am feeling about my H and our situation, not with the other aspects of my life because I do feel like I am working and living and not putting anything on hold.
Journaling: H and I had talked about the super bowl on saturday. He said he didn't want to come by and upset s15 by being at the house when he was having friends over. I explained to H that s15 and his friends hang down in the basement and we if it was not for me going down and checking on them, I wouldn't see them all night.
Anyway, he called yesterday morning. I was almost out the door with d12 to go to softball. He said he was headed to the store and asked if he could pick up anything for the party s15 was having. I asked him for some extra chips and I also once again extended an invitation to him to attend. He declined saying it was too hard with s15 not wanting him there.
I told h that I had talked to s15 and he was ok with it. I wouldn't have asked H if s15 would be upset by it. I told H that I would love for him to be with us, but if it wasn't right for him or he had other plans, that was ok too. He said he didn't have plans and that he would love to be here, but the thing with s15......
Anyway, d12 and I met up with H a little later at her swim meet. He was very quiet there. Didn't even say too much to her. He did his crossword puzzle and I didn't bother him. At the end I told him that he was welcome if he changed his mind. He said he was just going back to his parent's house to watch the game.
As i was getting food ready for s15's gang, H sent several texts telling me to have fun with the kids, to enjoy the game, etc. After the game ended, and the GIANTS won, there were more texts. I fell asleep and....woke up to more texts about the game.
I know that I can't fix the R between s15 and H. I just don't know how it is going to get fixed so that if there is a chance for our family, we can move forward. I pray that H's counselor is helping him with this, but I also see h using the situation with s15 for fuel for his pity party.
I just want to know....for those of you who have turned the corner and are piecing, did you ever feel this way. Like you just can't get past point A to get to point B because there is a huge boulder in the way.
I could be so off the mark with my h. He could so be manipulating me. For all I know he could still be with his married girlfriend....and trying to gain my sympathy to help him with s15. I wish I knew. I do know we are at such a standstill....and it is frustrating.
I am in a similar position, our S16 refuses point blank to associate with H, our son has principles, his dad is not a good role model in sons eyes. As far as son is concerned until his dad stops telling lies and decides to come clean with info then H can just stay away.
Son is grounded, he isn't going budge. A few months ago I wrote to H and offered a route to help him see s16, Son has said that he doesn't want to meet H outside of the family home, that he wants H to visit him at home so that they can sit and talk. H has fabricated a reason why this cannot happen ( blamed me ) I contacted H and offered that I vacate the home so enable him to meet with son, H has refused point blank. So son and H have reached stalemate.It is like having 2 teenagers go at each other, neither backing down, I used to find this exhausting and frustrating but now I just realise that this is not my doing, that H's actions have brought this about, that it is good that son is setting boundaries because he has principles. That until H finds a way to connect with his son there would be little chance of a reconciled relationship, so I am just getting on with my life day by day, it is difficult witnessing a father loose the respect of his sons but it is his doing.
Mopsey, I'm sorry to hear that you are a bit frustrated about the situation between your son and your h, but it's something you can't fix. This is something that those two "boys" will need to fix all on their own. You have to remember that when they are this messed up, they generally choose one child to be close to and the other child is left on the outside of the inner circle. This is what happened in your situation. Also, your son has made it quite clear to your h how he feels about his father's behavior. Until your h feels safe w/your son and your son isn't showing the anger and has also let it go, your h will keep his distance from his son. You have to people pulling at the opposite ends of the rope. Someone is going to have to give and it's going to be on their terms and in their own time.
I'm sorry about this situation. I know it's very difficult to endure, but you have to find a way to just go on w/your life and do the things you need to do in order to stay sane. They will either reconnect or they won't at some point. There's nothing you can do and that's the sad part in all of this--it didn't have to happen this way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
JMW...my s16 won't budge right now and it is kiling me to watch it all unfold. I feel sorry for H, but this was his doing. I feel sorry for s15 that he has so much anger. I pray each day that something will happen to remove the wall between them.
I agree with you, I don't think my H will be able to reconcile (if he wants) until he and s15 can deal with their issues.
Snodderly.....I pray someone gives in but I don't see it coming. They are both so stubborn. Yesterday H called me. He was dropping d12 at softball and had an hour to kill before counseling,
I told him he can hang at the house and his reply was "not if s15 is there." S15 was at swim practice so H hung out at the house. He even put the dinner I had made on the stove.
He went to counseling and then came back to the house. I picked s15 up at practice. He stayed downstairs while H was there. I left to take d12 to practice and H stayed. He ate the dinner I made and did the dishes. He stayed upstairs and s15 stayed down. He stayed for about 45 minutes until I went to get d12. We just hung out together and watched tv. It was so like pre-mlc...but I know not to expect anything.
Around 9 he sent me a tm thanking me for dinner.
Snodderly, do you think H's counselor is helping him figure out how to handle the s15 situation or is it too early in the process for it?
Zero expectations. Many hopes and wishes. Zero expectations.
My 7th grader, d12, came home from school yesterday with a tragic story to tell H and me (me via phone. H there with her). A boy and his girlfriend in her grade broke up. The boy, who I am told had some other issues, thought she was cheating on him. On Friday, the boy, 14 years old (he was held back, that is why he is in d12’s grade) tried to hang himself. Yesterday, the family took him off life support. D12 didn’t know him but knows the girl who is devastated.
She recanted the story to us and I could hear the sadness in her voice and then H got on the phone, and he seemed kind of shocked. I don’t know if he knew what to say. I finally broke the silence and all I could say to him at the time was that it is so scary that we have to protect our children from outside issues and problems and even scarier that we need to now think about protecting them from themselves.
D12 was very talkative about the situation. We spoke a lot. I think that is a good sing. She spent the early evening with my dad (who spoils her) while I went to s15’s swim meet. She seems to be processing it all ok.
H sent me a tm in the middle of the night…it said “just thinking of you. Hope s15 did well in his meet.” I was up any way so I replied. I have a little bit of a cold and h was back and forth asking me what I was taking. He swears by zycam and asked if I had some. He offered me his in case I didn’t. I thanked him and told him I did have some. Finally I fell asleep.
H just called. ZERO EXPECTATIONS. He asked how I was feeling and said he was on his way down near my work and offered to drop off his zycam (which just happened to be in his pocket). I told him I didn’t want to bother him….but as he persisted I agreed.
After he left I sent him a tm thanking him. I told him I only hesitated on him bringing it to me because I know how busy he is and didn’t want to bother him. He said he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to. He said it was no bother…that he wanted me to feel better.
Zero expectations. A lot of suspicions.
Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow is Friday…….and I am taking the next 2 Mondays off (the kids are off). YEAH!!!!!!
Mopsey, I'm sorry to hear about the young man who attempted his life and ultimately was then called home. I think it's an absolute must to allow your daughter to talk about the situation. I believe it's healtier in the long run to allow the children to talk about such experiences and it helps them to deal w/the shock, pain and grief that will take place in their young lives.
Your h never ceases to amaze me. You are smart to keep your expectations at zero. Learn to accept him for who he is today and if he offers to bring you something or do something for you, accept his offers. Do not put him off. He wants to help you even if he can't help himself. There aren't many out there that will do this for the lbs and children. He's very different in the way that he's dealing w/his situation and I like to see him wanting to do things for you. Be sure to thank him when he does something nice.
Lucky woman! The next two Mondays off!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for responding to me Snodderly, with everything that you have going on, you are truly remarkable and much appreciated.
My H is quite a piece of work. The first year I of this "crisis" H was the angry WAS. He blamed, spewed, lied etc. Now, this year, I don't know what to think of him.
There are still times when I think he is manipulating me. Cake eating with MOW and I so he has a fall back plan in case things don't work out with her.
It is nice to have him offer to do these little things, but I wish I knew his motivation for it. It is hard to accept when I feel like there is another motive.
I know I put too much time and effort into the MOW, but I just wish I knew for sure what their status was. Maybe then I wouldn't be so suspicous and could be more accepting.
I will try to keep letting him help me. I know he feels bad when he can't. The other night when I had my dad watch d12 while I went to s15's meet, h apologized for not being there. I told him I understood, he had to work.
So, we shall see what the weekend will bring. I will be so busy with the kids and swimming, so I know that I will not be dwelling on him.
I just wish I saw a hint of progress or a baby step I could believe.
Mopsey, I understand how you feel about your h doing things for you, i.e., the motive behind them. I honestly don't think that there is much of a motive here. He's got a lot of guilt and shame for what he's done and I suspect that these two things are driving his bus right now. He definitely feels guilt for what he's done, and maybe he feels that if he does things for you, it just might alleviate some of his guilt. No one really knows or understands why they do the things they do. My advice--accept those acts of kindness and do not try to over analyze them. Accept him as he is today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
Actually he is a work in progress. You can't see any improvements because you are entirely too close to the situation. The old saying "a watched pot never boils" is so correct when dealing with such individuals. When you take your focus off of him completely, accept him for who he is right now, the changes will become more evident to you. But, as long as you are analyzing everything he says or does, you'll never see them.
Mopsey, live your life to the fullest, each and every day is a gift. Allow tomorrow to take care of itself.
Enjoy the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sorry to hear about the tragedy and the young man. A few weeks ago a 16 year old in our little Town was killed instantly in a car crash. He was the Town's all star athlete, a really nice kid.
1000 people went to his funeral....we only have 2500 in our Town.
My D9 is friends with his younger brother, and he is having a very hard time with it, which has really put a strain on my Daughter.
Each time my S21 leaves in the car, she gets very anxious. Things really affect our children in ways we can not imagine.
Just like the MLCBS, and the way in which our children are affected by all of the antics.
I am so glad to hear that your Dad spoils your Daughter. Kids really need someone to turn to during the hard times. It is wonderful you have this support.
A few times during MLC my Husband also did some nice things for me, and it made me very uncomfortable.
One Easter he sent gifts to the children, and even sent me some chocolates and some special coffee. I was very confused, but Snodderly just told me to accept the gifts gracuiously and enjoy them and say thank you.
On one of his rare visits home( we saw him for a total of 12 days during the course of 18 months) he bought groceries. The whole time all I kept thinking was that he was going to deduct the money he spent from the money he was supposed to give me.
And when we went out for dinner as a "family" I brought my own money with just in case he decided not to pay for me.
It is strange how our thinking changes and how we react to things when they are in MLC.
Maybe it is easier when they live far away from home, as they can't intrude and invade as easily. Both scenarios are difficult, but at least I knew he couuldn't just show up uninvited at the house and there was no chance of ever running into him locally.
Sorry for the ramble on your thread, but each time I read your posts they remind me so much of my Husband's crisis.
Have a blessed weekend,
((((((hugs)))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Snodderly, You are so right. My H is filled with shame and guilt. I can feel it eating at him. It must not be easy for him to look in the mirror.
You are also right that I spend way too much time trying to figure it him out. I guess I am just so scared that I am being played the fool. That he is manipulating me.
His actions are so bizarre. They totally contradict his declarations of love for MOW and how great he once told me she made him feel and how he was done with me. MLC BS...I guess.
I hope my H is that pot...I will try to stop watching it so closely. Perhaps then it will start to boil (or bake in this case).
BND.....It is so hard having him around. Sometimes I wish he were further away. Maybe then he would bake up quicker if that is God's plan for him. I really feel like my R with H is stuck in a rut. No budging.
His tm's and his calls at night make me just want to scream "if you wanted to talk to me so badly, why aren't you hear." They seem to be more frequent these days. Rarely a night goes by when I don't hear from him.
I remember when this all started (almost 2 years ago) and I saw H's cell phone bill with hundreds of tm's to MOW and time spent on the phone with her. Funny....how time has changed. Yes, he could still be with her, but anytime he is TMing me I know he isn't with her.
H was by today. He looked exhausted. When we had talked last night he was. He said he had worked all day and night. He called this morning and asked me if he could come by to see us before he went to work and we went to d12's swim meet.
While he was here, I reminded d12 to brush her teeth. She stated that she did and H chimed in questioning whether she did or not. D12 looked at him and said "Dad you don't live here. You don't know what goes on in this house." I though H was going to lose it. I just sat there speachless. Ouch. That had to sting him.
Anyway, d12 had a great meet today. S15 was there to cheer her on. He actually helped time the meet. He loves that stuff. He is headed out bowling with the boys and d12 and I just baked a cake. She is pooped, so we are staying in tonight.
Tomorrow she has another meet. H told us today he may have to work and miss it but he would be by after. It is so sad that I immediately think he may be lying and going to spend time with MOW, but whatever.
