Um, how about being direct and telling him you are in a bad mood?
I agree with OT. Clearly communicate what's going on to your H so he can't build a story about how it's all about him, and then he won't keep poking you so that you get more cranky.
How about,
"I'm sorry, H, but for some reason I am just in a foul mood. I'm not sure why (or, I'm really stressed about a project I'm working on...I haven't been sleeping enough, etc.), but I know it'll work itself out soon enough. Sorry to be such a crabby patty."
Yes, you have the "right" to be in a bad mood around H, but you do have to make sure you don't turn that mood outward or get snippy with him when you are. Just be honest with your H, and I'll bet he'll want to be supportive. And if what you need is just some quiet time to get it together, ask for it. Tell him your whole body is leaking skulls and crossbones and you want some time to kind of let it all go.
He's just concerned and afraid...he knows he's behaved badly...and so he worries too. So just be clear, okay?
Have a great day! Are y'all getting as much rain up there as we are down here?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I agree that it is okay to be in a bad mood. we can't always be chipper all the time, we can have bad days, but we also shouldn't take it out on other people. He could have felt that you were doing that. So that was definitely a good idea to be more direct about your having a bad day and just need some quiet time, or whatever you need so that your not in a bad mood TOWARDS him. and maybe you weren't, but it sounds like he probably took it personal himself.
His trunk comments sure sound like he's getting suspicious of you. My H did the same thing. even told a friend during our sitch that he thought I was seeing a guy from church. ya, that's a christian thing to do. NOT.
anyways, maybe sometime in the near future, it would be good to ask H if he's thought about what he wants out of your R right now.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
OT You're right. I had a very hard time with "direct" before (obviously) and in some ways I think I'm almost worse now when it comes to moods/emotions. I somehow feel like I'm not "allowed" to have bad days. I know a lot of my/our problems initially came from a long term depression of mine - EVERY day was a bad day - maybe that's where some of it comes from? Between that and seeing what depression has done to my dad, I am inordinately afraid of bad days now. (it's not rational, I know... something I had not really seen though and do now so thank you!.. something good to work on).
SD Very good points, thanks. In fairness he didn't keep poking at me, just got more "down" himself, and it kinda spiraled. I really like your wording, especially that "work itself out" part - that takes away the "Oh no it's going to be 3 years of this" fear factor (for myself as well).
I honestly don't think I was snippy, but definitely quiet and withdrawn - telling him WHY would have made a big difference, I bet.
Thank you!!
We aren't getting much rain yet but we've been warned that tomorrow is going to be BAD. It's not just "you may lose power" - it's "you will lose power, we have crews on standby, have candles ready and good luck." Supposed to be almost as bad as that last storm we had in January. I was making some "getting out" plans for the weekend but now changing those to "staying in" plans! I think it may be "Spring cleaning" time.
ST Thanks! I don't think I took it out on him, just kind of wanted nothing to do with anybody.. but it probably did come off really wrong.
haha yeah the trunk thing is pretty funny. Enjoyed that.
Hope to be on more this weekend but it'll depend on the storm... hope everyone has a good weekend if I don't make it back on!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
NIkki, I just wanted to get "caught up" on your sitch. I am so impressed with you, words cannot explain. I am happy things are going in the direction they are headed. Lots of cool stuff, I am jealous.
Hope you stay dry and warm this weekend. I wish I could stay home and curl up under a blanket, but I get to work. So long as we have power I suppose lol.
Everyone is entitled to the occasional bad day. Don't stress. Just like this storm, it will blow over.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Cliffy Aw thank you so much. It's great to hear from you! I'm still jealous of your horses so don't feel too bad. I will catch up on you soon.
Michelle Aw man, sorry you have to work! It's weird, I'm watching the radar and it looks like it is absolutely pouring everywhere but where I am. No rain yet!
----------- So, last night H's original plans to work on his car fell through and we went out to dinner together, came home and without going into details, had a VERY nice night together. Nice start to the weekend!!
Today I am trying to get motivated to catch up on about 50 things I've been putting off (cleaning up the office, starting the taxes, all that fun stuff). Think I'll start with an oil change before the rain finally hits. Fun stuff here. But it'll feel good to catch up some, I know. I did all the dishes and laundry yesterday in case we lost power so those are done at least.
I just posted this to a couple other threads and wanted to post it here as well. As a reminder to myself to read this stuff once in awhile (it's been too long!), and also in case it's helpful to anyone else.
I really like the coping.org site. Seems like every time I read it (even a page I've read 20 times), I learn or realize something new that helps me.
(it's a bit focused on a person passing away rather than a separation, but I still think a lot of it applies). This part in particular I found really valuable:
"Adjustment Post Lost: The "holder on'' [aka LBS] is lost once the person does "let go''[letter-goer = the WAS] because they are challenged to survive in life without the other person. The "holder on" can make a successful adjustment and become more independent, resourceful, and personally responsible in her/his own life. A less successful outcome is the "holder on" collapsing into self pity, debilitating grief, and maladaptive behavior. The "holder on" in either case needs assistance and support initially to sort out the impact of the loss event so as to be better able to decide which outcome they want for their life. It is a personal choice of the "holder on'' how they will adjust to the person's letting go."
It's about handling "control issues" - at first I thought "Who me? I don't have control issues." Then realized that MANY of the problems I was facing were related to this.
Some of the topics I found most useful on that page: Overcoming the Need to Fix Accepting Powerlessness Letting Go of the Uncontrollables and Unchangables Developing Detachment Eliminating Overdependence
I also found it really interesting reading through some of those and seeing them from H's side. Particularly the dependence thing - reading the stuff about "how to get someone to stop being overly dependent on you." In particular I saw that my H DID try a lot of the things they suggest to help me become more independent - of course, at the time I didn't see it or it scared me and I reacted by becoming more clingy and needy.
Hope those are helpful to others too!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Glad to hear about your great night!!! Hope you had a great start for this week too
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I just realized I've been posting all over the place but not much on my own thread. It's either a good sign or my head buried in the sand right?
Things went well over the weekend... the storm was blown WAY out of proportion on the news, thankfully!
H and I went out both nights, too - that was definitely nice. Need to make sure I don't do that EVERY weekend (falling back into that habit) but it was a lot of fun and very nice.
On another note, interesting coincidence - last year while H was moved out my work offered a class called "Thriving Through Change" - it was SO good and helped me a ton in letting go of my old M. I still refer back to the tools sometimes. Obviously it was a work oriented class but for me at the time it applied to my personal life far more than work.
Today? I took a class called "Effective Communication: Interaction Skills for Success." OK seriously.. are they planning these classes around my life???? It was a great class. So much of it seemed very basic, but really it was stuff that SHOULD have been obvious and isn't always, necessarily. I'll post more on it later (so I have the info in front of me and get it right), but it was really good timing and a lot of food for thought. They even gave us a reference card to keep with us at all times to help practice the "key principles" of successful interaction. Good stuff.
I missed my dance class tonight due to crummy traffic! But I did practice and did about 45 minutes of my videos at home so that was good. I like the class SO much better because she can break things down if you're lost and I actually hurt (very minor but enough to get my attention) both my knee and ankle trying to figure out some of the moves on the video.
Decided to do some serious spring cleaning tonight as all the "little stuff" was getting away from me and the house was overall just feeling kinda dirty. So I did the thorough scrubs of the stove, all the sinks, ran the Scooba (aka mopped all the floors really well ).
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
due to crummy traffic! But I did practice and did about 45 minutes of my videos at home so that was good. I like the class SO much better because she can break things down if you're lost and I actually hurt (very minor but enough to get my attention) both my knee and ankle trying to figure out some of the moves on the video.