Met with the WAW for coffee today. I was DB'ing my butt off. This advice comes to those who were perpetually silent/quiet in the marriage. Major issue WAW has is if I am truly in love with her vs. being afraid of being a single parent or being lonely. She needed to hear how I felt about her and what my feelings were. I did my best to explain to her that the feelings were in my heart and not my head.
Rather than not pursuing or GD she needed to hear how I was feeling about her and our marriage. I told her that our old marriage was dead and that we needed to start on a new loving relationship. A slight smile at that.
I just wanted to say that articulating my feelings is what she required and GD is not always the best answer.
Just my $.02 worth. Anyone else out there have a similar experience?
I would agree with you, in my sitch being a "different" Husband was what was needed not going dark. Dom hit the nail on the head for me early in my S when he advised that my wife was looking for a husband not another child...
Anyway, good looking out!
I hope that you see continued improvement in your sitch Rock.
HOUND
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
RD - I am in a similar situation. For some reason, my W has landed back on earth. Talking about slowing down the divorce and starting to do things together. Still loves me and misses the times when things were good.
She asked me today why I love her? I opened up a bit and it seemed to help.
I have the same problem too never can stay "dark" long enough to see if I ever get her to commit again. Because of her complaints of how I didn't show her love (and I didn't) I have an overwhelming urge to show her the new me when I think theres an opening. I thinks the main think thats stops her is the fear that the changes in me wont last. You have a lot to be happy for dog so good luck
Me 38 WAW 29 D 4 Married 9 Together 11 Bomb June 07 Separated Jan 08 Reconciled May 08 awesome, happy, and blessed
Add me to the list. Just spent an hour on the phone with W (hung up 15 min ago) and I told her the same things.
She said "if I decide to make this separation permanent, will you be OK?" I said "hell yeah, I just need to know...it's the limbo that's killing me!" I'm pretty sure she was asking if I wanted her back just because I missed her, or because I have a different person to offer to the relationship. Then I told her how I thought I loved her before, but this separation has showed me that I didn't love her then, nearly as much as I do now. She said "I love you, too".
The changes in her have only made her MORE attractive to me, and the changes in ME are making me appreciate everything in my life so much more, including her. She said "wow, that is cool". I asked her if this was freaking her out, and she emphatically said "NO!, keep talking".
I have never been like this in my life....there is no going back now; what would be the incentive?
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I am glad to see that I may be on the right track. One question though-WAW filed for D in November and the clock is ticking. I know I don't have a say in this but how do I test the waters? Should I ask her to dismiss the D and risk her saying no or do I keep on DB and talking to judge the barometer of the situation? We had some serious problems in our M (of which I am probably more tha 50% to blame) and I admitted to her that our old marriage was "dead" and that we needed to start over again. She is very sorry for the pain this S and D are causing me and our 2 S. I know she is in control and I need to work on myself. I just want to scream and tell her that we can be S but she has put us on the course for D and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a pretrial date on Tuesday and the dates will be set for the rest of the D. She still doesn't want to tell our S that this is D and not a S like we told them afer X-mas. I told her I would wait another month but after that the kids must be told. Am I acting out of desperation here?
Had our first taste of what it would be like being D with the kids. Our 17S who is very quiet and reserved-came to life when my WAW came over to visit. We both noticed how "happy" he was with both of us together. He actually engaged us in conversation and on top of that chose not to go to the HS basketball game which he normally would never do. Our college age son was home and there was some unintentional conflict about where he should spend the night. In the "home" where I am or at WAW condo (S since Jan.7).
The situation is very fluid. Both S do not know that WAW filed for D. They think it is just a S. Older S told me that this "was my problem and that I had to fix it". I told him it was not my decision to make and that "we" were working on it. I had to dodge some very pointed questions because we have not told the kids about the D.
WAW sends an email this morning saying how upset she was, that 17S is angry with her and she doesn't know how to relate to him. She wants us (WAW, M, S) to spend more time together because of our 17S reaction to us being together. I had to fight back replying to her saying that "us" being together may not be a good thing as without a R, we would not be together if the D goes through.
Lots of emotion at work here-very volatile and unpredictable. I fell off the DB wagon during most of this exchange and became sullen and withdrawn. The pain we are causing the children is too much to bear. I had a very hard time being "upbeat".
Bottom line-WAW is coming over to have dinner with us tonight so we can spend time "together" for our S. I think she is realizing that there is more at stake filing for D and that her actions are affecting all of us.
Very dangerous times-how do I handle guilt of WAW over the reaction of the children? I did reply to her email that all of the questions she raised about what to do next might be the topic of my MC session scheduled for tomorrow night. I hope she gets the hint and decides to attend.
I never thought it would be this hard. There is so much at stake here.
Support/advice eagerly accepted!
M-47 H-48 M-22 yrs T-25 yrs plus ILYBNILWY-September 07 Filed-11.21.07 S-1.7.08 Possible EA 9/07 HS boyfriend from 30 yrs ago.
WAW was here for dinner. Did agree to go to MC with me tomorrow. Some discouragement-she says she knows I love her and that she is "sorry". Talked about missing our son and missing the house but not me. She seems to go through these periods of courage while at other times is not so sure. I guess as always, patience is the keyword. It has only been 5 weeks of S.
I wonder if I should tell her that us being together even for the sake of our son may not be the best thing in the long run. I don't want to shut her down but maybe she needs to see what she is giving up. Why act like we are together when will probably will not be.
