Sandi2, in the http://www.womensinfidelity.com, my W is/was totally in stage 1, for the last 2 years or so. Physical touch would just make her very tight and anxious. This is why we started with the MC. But somehow, I screwed up and didn't make the exercises that the MC gave us as important as she did, so eventually the MC, just did T with W without me - which leads me to a potential future WAW. As far as I know, she hasn't moved to stage 2, but she has expressed feelings of desire about an old flame. (fortunately he is in another continent.) My question was did the book have any strategies to pull one out from this downward spiral?
Thanks for help, I really appreciate on contributions here.
My H sounded very down when he spoke with the kids tonight on the phone. I can always hear everything since cell phones tend to amplify voices as you tend to yell into them. He has been sick with a head codl the last 3 days but his voice was something other than sick. He also asks both kids if they had fun with him yesterday and commented to D5 when she asked what he did today that he only had a couple cars to work on that the shop was really slow. I feel so badly for him during this crisis and wish to be able to help him but he doesn't want my help right now and I am still lovingly distancing myself.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
She moved out of the family home and into an apartment she shares with a friend (male).
Is the roommate the OM you saw her going to Church with? I hope the talk with the kids today went well. How did it turn out? Did she agree to your suggestion to have them live at home more?
Quote:
I have to tell you that I have unconditional love for both my kids and my W
I am sure you have unconditional love for them. Do you think they see you displaying your unconditional love to them? I don't know and am just asking you for you to ask yourself that question. Sometimes what we feel may not be obvious to others until we show it in ways they understand. The books "Five Love Languages" describes how one person's way of showing love may not the how the recipient of that love understands it. The result is the other person may feel unloved. Hence, it's very important to "speak" the other person's love language. Similarly, "Love & Respect" explain very well how men and women think and act very differently. It is different from "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus", and similar in the sense that it also emphasizes taht women and men are very different. The book shows the difference from another perspective. Both these books are correct.
Yes, he is one and the same. I really have to work on my "As if.." and not let the kick in the gut that I get from this sitch get to me.
We didn't get a chance to talk to the kids tonight as W ended up with a migrane and had to go to Urgent Care to get an injection of pain meds to get rid of the headache. I tried to help her by doing the pressure points on her hands (it was nice to get to hold her hands) but she was still very miserable.
The headache was so bad that it made her lose her lunch in the bathroom at the roller rink. I felt bad for her as I know how bad the pain can be for her. She wasn't wearing her wedding ring and said something about how her head hurt so bad that she had forgotten to put all of "her stuff" on (meaning jewelry). I didn't say a word in response either way. I was so totally "As if...ing" that I pretended not to hear her. LOL.
We will talk to the boys soon I am sure. She seems to be softening to the suggestion that the boys stay here more, but when I have to work late she still wants to take them to her apartment instead of her staying here at home with them until I can get home. I guess I understand. It hasn't been that long since she left and she still needs some separation from me and this house before she can be comfortable coming back.
I heard from her a lot today and it was nice. I only call her when I am returning one of her calls. I don't think I have called her first in more than 2 weeks. Yay me!
I will have to see if I can find the book you are talking about. The Five Love Languages sounds like one that I certainly could get some benefit from. I want to be on the same page as my W. I know that she is confused, hurt, angry, and lost right now, but I will be here waiting when she emerges from her fog.
Thank you for being there. It means a lot to me!
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
B, It seems that your W married very young, so she might be trying out her independence now. I was in a similar situation with my 1st M. He was only 2 years older than me but he was only my 2nd BF and I didn't know him that well before he proposed. He totally suffocated me and at the same time emotionally abused me. He tried to make himself feel good by trying to put me down. He also had a hot temper and became irrational during arguments.
I started back at school again (chnage in career path), and he got jealous of my befriending other studets at school, especially when 1 of them tried to pursue me. His jealousy pushed me away even more. In the end, I confided in the guy he was jealous of and I got emotionally involved with that person.
When I moved out, I had already been depressed for a few years. But I didn't know it. The depression worsened after I left him. After I moved out, my H pursued me and tried to load guilt on me. I felt alot of pressure from him every time I saw him. His neediness and his actions pushed me further and further away and he made no attempt to change himself.
I didn't trust him to change and was sure he'd make me sorry for leaving him and getting involved with someone else. So I never missed him one bit. I felt guilt but I never wanted to go back to him. I filed after a few months of S, and never looked back. He re-maried within a couple of years. I took my time and only re-married after 9 years.
Even though I never wanted to be back with him, I felt alot of guilt for many years. It hurt me alot to leave him too. It was hard to see him cry. I just couldn't be with him. If he DB'ed, it might have made a difference.
plentyhope, the way your ex pressured and pursuit should tell all of us how not get a spouse back. As Michele mentioned, that is the best way of ensuring that you will push them farther and farther away. It should remind us all, that DBing techniques are the best way to keep the odds of getting back the greatest. No amount of pleading, begging, guilt trips will bring them back. No, the only effective way is that they must come back by their decision alone. Thanks for your story.
Keep it up and she will soften in time I believe. My H I think is. He called me out of the blue today and inquired about whether we could refi. our home or not. I was like WTF???? I didn't say that of course and did my 180 on him, "Well that sure is something I will look into since the rates have dropped however there is a chance we can't since home values have dropped also and we are in the high loan to value ratio already" to which he agreed and we both stated that is worth looking into. I can't even begin to imagine what the purpose of this was on his part. I mean if we could refi. we would probably only drop about $200-$300 a month in payment which certainly isn't enough for him to get a place of his own so he would still be living with his parents. See we were stupid with money in our earlier days and have credit problems that still to this day haunt us which makes it harder or us to get the best interest rates when refi. or purchasing.
Anyone's opinions on this would be appreciated. Anyone have suggestions as to why he called and asked about that?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Well H spoke to D5 this morning since she is home sick today and then asked to talk to me. He said he was not trying to be a pain about the income tax return but said the shop has been slow the last couple days and haivng that money would be helpul with paying the mortgage then almost in the same breath said he really also wanted to buy a bike. Well this bike he has been wanting for months is a $2100 mountain bike, yes he is avid mountain biker. I explained that I really wish we could get that for him but that was really not an option right now. I then like a ding dong sent him a text about 40 minutes later and asked if we could infact afford the bike for him and if I were to get one could we ride together. See I have never been sporty and into that stuff and thought it a great way to try to reconnect. Well he suggested NO and that I could ride with the kids. To which I replied with a question of why he is trying so hard to cut me completely out of his life to which he never replied. Yep, I still goof and try to go in for the kill when he seems to be softening and HAVE to stop.
So lesson learned don't undue all your DB'ing because you think you see an opportunity to try and win him back. He has to come to you and want to initiate ALL that stuff so for now we sit back and DB, become both parents to our kids, defend our WAS to those asking because we know they are still very good people just lost within their souls and minds.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
You are still doing great. Just keep telling yourself that when you get things to move in a positive direction the best thing you could do is to back off and wait for more movement instead of jumping in and trying to push things further.
The key is that you want HIM to come to YOU. So as DR says, don't react to what H does. Just tell him neutral things like, I am glad you mentioned that. Or, I will have to give that some thought and get back to you on that. Look for other neutral things you might be able to use. Make up phrases that will not be filled with emotion and give you a chance to think about what you really want to say before you jump to your guns.
I would suggest that you let him make the moves for a while and see where he leads you. Do nothing. If anything happens or changes it will be because he initiated it. Take the time to pay attention to your kids, take care of you and GAL. You can do this, you ARE doing this. Keep up the GREAT work.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Thanks for the positive words. It helps to hear those things from someone. I have lost 30 pounds since he left and look damn good. I make sure whenever he is coming over that I am done to the 9's. Well I know he notices but of course says nothing. A neighbor called the other day after seeing me walk H and kids out to the car for him to take them for the day and told me how beautiful and gorgeous I looked. I thanked her since I hadn't heard it from him. I was even wearing one of his favorite shirts that showed lots of cleavage but nada. DAMN him!!! LOL!!!
How is it going for you lately?
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
