To all, Thank you so much for your support and prayers. Today is my wonderful son's 16th birthday.Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are visiting another boarding school this week and I am heartbroken.My H and I are divided on this issue. I am pulling away from H in many ways.( it is hard not to blame his MLC for this) I'll have to watch it or I will be back in the middle of another marital crisis too. Life is can be so difficult as we all know. It is amazing how one crisis replaces another.I need to regain the PMA I enjoyed during my active DBing days. Thanks again...Jen
Hi Jenny- I don't check in on the board that often anymore, but I wanted to send you big hugs and a reminder thanks re. all you helped me through. In just a couple of months it will be a year that my H and I reconciled and I too need every now and then to check my PMA levels be and reflect on how far I've come. I guess I've come to think of it as an occassional DB Booster shot of sorts!
I hope all goes well with looking at schools for your son and that you have some great opportunities to relax some this summer. Thinking of you friend--Jamie
Keeping you in my prayers as well and Yep, if its not one thing, its is another. Having been through what we have been through, we are better able to spot signs of trouble and then apply dbing techniques to correct the problem or minimize the damage.
I posted on 5/9 about the trouble it looked like we were heading towards. Fortunately Dbing did help
We are back on the "right track" and communicating better than we did before the troubles began. She says "I love you" more but also conveys her concerns and feelings more freely knowing that I will hear and hopefully act on what she is saying.
We are incorporatig family fun time in our schedules and have planned some time away for just the two of us.
Take care, will check in from time to time to see how we are all doing. C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
HEY JEN, Just saying hi and letting you know that I too appreciate you and your very timely and helpful insights. I also need to tell you that i miss hearing from you.
Jen, GG, Jw and all, I have been away from this board for a couple of months because I feel that sometimes I do better when I follow my h's lead and just try to forget what happened to us.
Things are basically continuing to improve. I still have issues about h's character and dependability when the chips are down, but I am learning to live on faith.
I do know that I gained strength through all that we went through and that I could deal with the change that a divorce would bring if I had to. My feelings for h have probably irrevocably changed somewhat because I don't have the respect for his character that I once did. I no longer feel sure that I can always count on him no matter what. Some of the very traits that make a man most attractive to most of us as women are the traits that are now diminished. It seems to have diminished my passion or sexual attraction to h. That's hard sometimes.
Jen, many of us oldtimers are seasoned and wiser from our life's lessons. Please talk to us if you need to and know that your situation is near and dear to our hearts!
Wesse, I've never chatted with you before, but boy can I relate. I struggle with these same thoughts and feelings. Alot has improved between W and I and I do give her credit for her changes. However, I wonder about the trust and passion.
I have also tried to imagine if it would be different if I had D'd and started anew. I think not. I think after going thru this that we become slightly jaided in the trust department. At least in the unconditional trust department.
It will be interesting to see how things will change in the future. These past few years have taught me that marriage is constant change. Let's baby step towards making it better.
Hi Wesse, Kent, I too struggle with these feelings of trust. I feel so differently than I did before all this happened. In some ways, I am more alive and sensitive to small changes in my life and that of my husband's and my lives, but in other ways, it has changed irrevocably, and I feel that change with a great deal of sadness. It is essentially a loss of innocence on our parts. Perhaps we were deluded before, and perhaps we placed too much pressure on our spouses to perform up to our expectations of their moral, emotional, intellectual abilities. And maybe that's part of what failed. My h has disappointed me sorely, and he knows it very well. For me to show that to him, would only be rubbing salt in the wound. He feels badly enough as it is, even though sometimes he hasn't shown it. (Although lately he has been doing a much better job of showing that he cares for me.) It is the passing of illusion and blindness, perhaps, that we are grieving; that's not such a bad thing, but it is painful. It's hard to go the next step. To me, the next step is realizing that my faith and commitment was ill-placed -- I had rested everything in my h, and not on God. I now try to redirect my gaze when I feel myself stumble like that. It serves as a constant reminder that I have been faithless to God, and neglectful, and that I haven't nurtured my spiritual relationships, as I failed to nurture my human relationships. But isn't that what maturity is about? Seeing someone's flaws and trying to love them anyway? It's funny you should be discussing this right now, because the last few days I have felt a bit low on account of those feelings. It reminds me once again that I am depending on my h to be the guide of my feelings -- I am not using my own inner balance.
I too am concerned about Jen. Please Jen drop us a line soon and know that we are all here for you as you have been for us.
Wesse it is good to hear from you. Like you I don't come here often anymore because it was a constant reminder of the pain and was holding back the going forward with my H.
My H has been wonderful about understanding and patience with my healing process. The hardest thing I ever had to do was swallow my pain and keep that smile going as I followed the DB rules to save this marriage. The problem was when he was committed again and it was safe to start letting out some of the pain I was really lost as to what to do with it. You can't just forget it ever happened and I grieved so for the innocense I lost. The total trust I had in his moral fiber was shattered and I dwelled some on trying to figure out how he could have done what he did to himself, to me, our marriage, and our family. Who was he really anyway? Gosh so many questions to work through but we have come such a long way in the right direction.
I still mourn sometimes for the loss of part of the person I was before this happened who thought we were different and those terrible things couldn't happen to us. Boy did I have that all wrong. Our relationship is wonderful these days. Like a lot of men he doesn't feel it is necessary to verbally reassure me often so sometimes I will just ask him if he is happy. Then he knows it is time to let me know he is very happy and is never going anywhere. So it is working.
We have both learned so much and I think particulary about listening to each others needs and putting us first. I am healing it just takes a long time. He says it was the stupidest thing he ever did and he wishes it had never happened. I did finally ask him if he misses her and he said NO. I think he would have said that even if he did but I do believe him.
Wesse you are so special to me. I agree with everyword of your post. We have gained so much strength and the knowledge that we will be OK no matter what happens. My feelings towards my H have changed too. How could they not after betraying everything I believed in. Although it is different I am trying to build on the good things he does now. I still wish he was as grounded in the 10 commandments and vows as much as I am but understand that his childhood did not provide that and in fact set a bad example for him.
It does seem to be true that if you come from a family where adultry and divorce were OK it is easier to cross that line so I have to accept that he wasn't as lucky as I was to have a great family that prepared me better than what he had and that also played a part in what happened to us.
I have learned so much about so many things in the last two years that I am a much better person for what we went through. I certainly know so much more about relationships and family dynamics. My H and I are grateful that we have come this far and will be much better prepared to be positive influnences for our daughter and son-in-law and our granchildren. One of the things we do is make sure that the kids get an evening out now and then to go out on a date while we babysit. We encourage them to take time for the two of them and drop our little pearls of wisdom we have learned on them now and then.
Now if I only was as good at advising the kids on how to get a 21-month old to listen and mind. LOL He has just learned that jumping on the bed or couch is great fun.
So everyone I agree with you all. We lost something precious that we can never get back but we also gained a knowledge, wisdom and found strenght we never knew we had. I don't think I could have ever gotten this kind of an education without what we went through and the tremendous support of this BB. I thank you so much for holding my hand when I needed it so badly. Life is good again.
