It's time for Round 2 of the Big Talk. Round 1 was 3 years ago, with lots lots of little talks here and there since. What's driving this is the new avoidance technique my wife is practicing. This time it's extended bed time stories for both kids, age 5 and 8. I notice that as soon as I say " g'nite hon, I'm going to go to bed now" she will do the same shortly after. If I am up, she will stay up with D8 for over an hour so that it's too late for anything to happen.
This is in addition to the 9:30 dog walk (she can do this anytime) and a host of other chores that seem to get deferred until the wee hours. She also periodically says she is depressed, and has no sex drive. But, the same woman takes on additional tasks with no hesistation.
I sent her a two sentence email this morning, which said verbatim "I love you and I think we have a great relationship, but I am unhappy with our sex life. I'm not angry, and I don't expect any instant results, but I need to let you know this."
This was after me telling her over the last few days that we were getting in disconnect mode and we needed to talk about it. I have been very patient since the first time this became a big issue, waiting until the kids started school so she could have the personal time she said she needed. However, this has not changed anything, in fact it's as bad as it was when they kids were tiny.
I've told her point blank there's a problem, and what it is. Now we will see what the response is. It's not as if she doesn't know this already, but I did this just in case there is any confusion. I have a process in mind this time, I couldn't do much before since the kids were at home and fairly needy and I didn't want to be an unreasonable dickhead about it. After all, it was understandable that little ones drain the life out of you and you don't feel much like more togetherness. Now, we are going to figure out what is causing the evasive behaviour and work to get things back to some acceptable point.
Pretty sure this will require counselling, I doubt any progress will occur without an objective person weighing in. I would like to hear what a good, experienced marriage counseller says about all this.
Stu - I am relatively new here and hesitate to respond to you as in the short time I've been a member I've seen and felt attacks towards LDW, of which I am one. However, you seem patient and reasonable and I will give it a shot.
First off, you sound much more patient than my H. We have a host of issues and stressors we are dealing with. However, I will say that your email would have caused me to tense up and withdraw further into my shell.
Your W may or may not be feeling an aversion to sex at the moment. I would suggest you sit down with her and say something like "our sex life seemed to be doing better (if this is true) but lately it seems to have fallen to the side again." Now...this is the important part...get off of the sex topic. "Is there something going on with you that is stressing you out or something I can help you with? Because I really want us to stay close."
I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's almost like when the aversion starts, bringing it up makes it a bigger issue. Where if you focus on the reasons it is starting - which may have nothing to do with you and your sex life - you will get further faster. That is how it works for me anyway.
When my H wants to talk, it is always and only about how unhappy he is with our sex life. I already feel like a failure, and that just makes it loom larger.
I don't know your history, but thought you might be interested in the reaction of a LDW to your email. It does sound like your W is avoiding the opportunity for sex...but the real questions is why.
FYI, we are currently following a plan that involves taking turns intiating. It takes pressure off of me, and it gives my H some control over when, how and where it happens.
Anyway, for the little I know about your situation, I've said enough. Good luck.
Well, what you suggest has been going on for 3 years. I actually don't press the sex issue, and always listen to her and discuss what's bothering her. In fact, we discuss her issues just about every day. I always know exactly what the issue of the day is.
I do probably give off non-verbal signals, since she often makes a statement like "if you are feeling frisky, you can forget about it", even when I have said not a word. I am not making this up. For her to feel any less pressured, I'd need to get an apartment and live there.
I read your posts, seems like you know why you are not in the mood, whereas my wife either doesn't know or won't say, and is not inclined to talk about it anyway.
I think at some point, the sense of failure becomes so pronounced that it is easier to try and bury the whole thing. I don't know if that is where your W is at or not.
Counseling may help. We went to 3 and it did not help us. Making decisions verbally to each other to do certain things and want certain things seems to have helped. Each couple has to find their own way. I'm rather private, so I wasn't overly fond of the counseling environment. Plus, it seemed like they were always beating up on my H - and I don't think that is the answer for us either.
Why does this happen to so many couples? This polarization? I don't have an answer.
You said your W is not inclined to talk about it. I have a difficult time also. I asked my H to have us take a break if he sees me tense up or withdraw. I told him I would do the same for him.
As much as I hate talking about it (because I feel like it is all about me being broken and a failure whether he says that or not), it is important. In all honesty, we've been struggling since our engagement. It's been 5 years.
I'm wondering...would a little pressure on your part be good at this point? Is she clear on how important it is to you? Is she aware that this is something she should enjoy too?
Sadly, I am aware of those things but it hasn't helped me much. The natural testosterone did help but made me gain weight so I stopped. Has she tried that?
Adding some pressure is where the email comes in. Not sure it will help, but it does get things out and at least the topic is broached. She replied already, and as is usually the case angry that I brought the subject up and blaming child care duties as the cause.
These days, both kids are in school all day and she is a SAHM. Rather than taking a well deserved break, she is busier than ever, which according to her is why she is too tired. We take turns cooking dinner, I do a lot of the house work, and give S5 a bath and book/bed every night. I don't believe the average woman would consider this an overwhelming responsibility. I don't drink, smoke,gamble, don't beat my wife, make well into 6 figures, house paid off,etc.
Many of us have tried the "back off" thing when our LD wives felt "pressured." In my experience (and every other person's experience I've read about), it doesn't work, because the LD spouse will either come up with some new "tasks" that make them tired, or some other reason why they can't ML, or -- as my wife did -- they say "even tho you didn't say or DO anything, I still FEEL pressure."
