Having a hard time

[HSSweetheart]

Been up since 2 am. Just sat in bed and wept on and off. Had a really hard past few days. Not only am I dealing with WAH, 4 months so far, but now I have a new boss at work. Normally I would just retire home to destress but with all that is going on that is not happening. I have had enough of this nonsense that is life! Having trouble seeing anything positive at this point.

Home life has been far from happy. Having trouble disciplining S11 and D8. They do not listen to me and I don't want to resort to physical punishment. Was so upset over the weekend I broke down and called H crying, I was having a sit down talk w/them-for the millionth time. Normally I would have H to back me up in the home, but now he is not there.

I thought things would get easier? A co-worker suggested I get on medication but I have been off for almost a year and don't want to get into that again. H always used it as a crutch and I hated it! In his eyes that was the only reason I was tolerable at times. BS!

And I am getting increasingly frustrated by all the things that I cannot do around the house, some of which H used to do. I have asked him to help me with many, but he has always been a procrastinator and not having to do them now puts them WAY down on his list. I have nowhere else to turn. Can't afford a handyman, don't really have anyone else to help me. Told S11 he would have to learn to go up in the attic - still tripping over my xmas decorations that haven't been put away all over my bedroom.

Over the weekend H told me he went to a concert that I would've loved to see. That made me hold back tears. And to think I had asked him to go to a similar one no more than a year ago and he called it nonsense. Now he went with friends. So painful. Wouldn't even go to the movies with the kids and I. A co-worker came over to come with us. My new family I thought! Sorry to whine, just hoping to get over this hump sometime in my life, but it seems something else always comes along. I almost called H at 2 am but held back. Would've been nonsense to him anyway.

[cat03]

hugs honey))))))))))) I know somedays the reality of your sitch comes down like a ton of bricks on you, when you've been holding on and then one day you just can't take it and break down, it's normal honey, don't despair--remember, women are like waves, we crash and hit rock bottom and must let out pent up emotions... it helps up vent.

I have a s9, and when his been told more than 3x to do something and is specially unruly I take away a privilege (no video games for 2 days/tv, etc, something like that) it works better than a good scolding (and yes, if my H were around he's only have to use his stern voice and my s9 would shape up).

My house is also in great need of a handyman, and H wouldnt' care less. Choose the task that really needs done and ask your H, only ONE though (I always joked that if I asked more than 2 tasks from my H he'd short circuit). I just put away my xmas tree (I ask H to help on the spot and he did)

If H used it against you that was just immature, if I get too anxious I will go to the dr and get some prozac or something, I don't care what anyone says, if it will make me feel better and help me cope then the meds are very welcome, dont' think twice HSS

H told me he went to a concert that I would've loved to see

Bonehead! that's all I have to say, jeez. Do more of the stuff you wanted to do in the past that your H didn't want to do, have fun.

but it seems something else always comes along

Even if you were not S, something else would've come along anyways hon, it's just harder now that you are getting used to this sitch.

You will do just fine))))))))))) hang in there, send the kids to bed, rent a chick flick and relax for a bit, tomorrow is another day, choose to be happy regardless.

[ACJ]

HSS I heard you needed help so I came to visit your thread.

All the things you describe I have experienced and more. It does get easier I promise. I know that isn't much consolation but it is the truth. Do you remember when your kids were babies and you thought you were the only mum whose kid did ............ (insert appropriate words) THEN you met up with other mums some place only to discover that ALL thier kids did this too? Well I hate to tell you but this is EXACTLY what MLC spouses are like.

So for now treat him differently than you have been used to doing. Don't treat him like a child b/c that is probably one of the things he is running away from (although you probably never realised). Treat him as you would a friend. Thank him when he does do something for you and ignore him if he doesn't.

Told S11 he would have to learn to go up in the attic - still tripping over my xmas decorations that haven't been put away all over my bedroom

Is there any reason why YOU can't learn to do this? It's just another 'fear' that you CAN learn to overcome. My fear was I thought I would never manage financially and actually I am managing far better than I could ever have imagined. I always used to be a saver before I M my H and I have gone back to that. We have scrimped and scraped for those savings I have just been careful and now there is only me in control of finances I only have myself to answer to if things go wrong (but they won't b/c I am so proud of myself for achieving what I have so far).

Over the weekend H told me he went to a concert that I would've loved to see

This made me smile. A week or so ago my D17 found out her dad had been to see the Spice Girls in concert with much younger OW. I laughed for a good 20mins afterwards. When this group were in their heyday D17 used to play thier music all the time and H hated it with an avengence. Now it seems that although he tells everyone he is living 'hand to mouth' he can still afford (a) the tickets, (b) the 200 mile drive to London and back(c) an overnight stay in London. They are not themselves. They are frightend of growing old. In retrospect for me this would've been harder to live with if H was doing all of these things and still living at home.

You might find moving your thread to MLC better as it is a busier forum.

[Cinderellaman]

I'm sorry you're in such pain sweety...I will try to read up on you and will be back ok ! For now, I'm sending you lots and lots of ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Take care and God bless you and your family

[Ellis]

Hi HSS - my heart goes out to you becuase I am there too. My H left in 9/07 for OW and I am left with all resp of house and child - D7. I too am having to deal by myself with D7 acting up at time and feel she does not respect me since her father does not respect me. When he left I was a STAH mom - no job - knew nothing about finances - I was terrified. I got a job and I am learning about finances and surprised myself by fixing a few things around the house. I am in no position to give advice becuase I am still struggling with my own sit but I just wanted to say I know it is so hard and so unfair. The xmas stuff - mine hung around for quite awhile and I just told myself I will do a little each night - dont think you have to do everything at once or you will feel too overwhelmed to do anything. I know the pain - I feel it too - my H has said things to me like your no fun and now Im enjoying myself - wouldnt we all if we could just leave all our respnsibilities and do whatever we want like they are doing and put ourselves first. But I know we are the lucky ones to have our kids. DOnt pick up the phone and let him know when you are hurting. I think it only adds to their ego and makes them feel better - not you. Hang in there - thinking of you.

[fish]

HSS

You mentioned that you do not want to get back on meds. Stop! You are up a 2AM, you sound very sad and you are going through a really difficult time.

If you need the meds and they make you feel better, go to a doctor and get help. This could expedite your recovery and help restore your balance.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

[mkultra]

Hi I am checking in since I cannot sleep either. My house is a wreck in three places and I try to keep everything else tidy. Luckily, my mom and her boyfriend came over this weekend to do some repairs. There would be no way for me to do everything! It does get easier though. People need other people sometimes. My H is now interested in helping out but for months, nada, so there may be a time when yours will realize that his kids' home needs some handman work. I am so sorry about your kids. I heard that kids will somehow retaliate against the primary parent during a separation. My TH friend mentioned this to me. It is like a ploy to get you to talk to the other parent, to bring you together and bond over their discipline. I am not sure if I believe that but my kids are out of control way more now than they used to be in a two parent household. But that makes sense. I feel bad, but I am yelling at them a lot more because I feel so rushed! It is hard but the theme is that it will get better and Mommy needs to take better care of Mommy before she can give herself away too much.

[Jeanette1120]

(((Hugs)))

As many have already said, you've described me 2 years ago. Even down to the concert. Why they even feel in necessary to tell you such things is beyond me.

Your children are being that, children. They see an opportunity to get away with things and are doing it. Some kids find it harder to process the severity of the situation. So lets see if we can find a way to get them under control? Mean what you say. Have consequences you follow through with. Check with the schools counselor? If able, perhaps some therapy for them? Trust me honey, there will come a day when things slow down for you.

Now off to those blasted medications. I can honestly say they probably saved my life. I was almost catatonic for the first year, I was put on Effexor 225 mg and 4 xanax a day. It stopped the night wonderings, it stopped the constant babble in my head, it stopped the crying at any given moment. Talk about no fun! I would be sitting at my desk at work and someone would tell me something sort of sad.......thats it! I cried for the rest of the day. I was sent home many many days because of this. I know am only taking the effexor 150 mg and 1 xanax a day cut in half.

HEY! All those things you THINK you cannot do around the house, guess what? YOU CAN!! Pretty soon you'll be so damn proud of yourself you'll be smiling! I remember when I used to cry over the stupid EASY PULL LAWNMOWER. I wanted to sue them for putting the words "EASY PULL" on it. Easy pull my ass. I was seriousl checking into getting a goat but thought the neighbors would complain. Then oneday....I stepped on the back of that stupid lawnmower and pulled..........VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I think I cried again. Tears of joy this time!!!

I am not going to lie to you and tell you this is going to be easy, it's not. Nothing worthwhile is. I know you know the drill. Read the DB'ing book and D Remedy and anything else you can get your hands on to try and understand whats going on inside his head. No snooping and no assuming. No whining and no complaining unless it is an emergency. Gads, the things I used to make up just to get my then H to come by the house I mean, I really don't think he gave a [censored] if the dog was running a fever or not.

You need to slow yourself down and breathe. Stop talking to the kids are start acting. Take control back of YOUR LIFE. Once you achieve this level things will slowly even out for you. As far as the meds, if you need them, take them. Have them put you on a low dose so it isn't so hard to get off them.

LOL My xhubby was always a procrastinator too. He still is. We still own our home and I see no signs of it going up for sale. Hmmmm.....it's the way he is, the way he has always been and the way he will always be. I've learned to accept it so it no longer frustrates me. I will usually just do it myself, this way I do not have to contact him so he can here me wine. They HATE that.

It's a long road HSS.....one I know you will be able to travel. Put your trust in God that he will guide you along your way. Watch for the signs. Remember, God cannot do everything for you, you have to help also.

We are all here for you when you need us!

Much hugs

Jeanette

[HSSweetheart]

Wow, I cannot believe the support I received from everyone. Like someone said, hearing that others have gone through it doesn't really help me get through it. Though I guess there is some comfort there.

After my hard day the kids started calling me to convince me to let them stay over H's house when it was my night. Can I say that that REALLY broke my heart? I really needed them last night. But they reminded me that I said it was their decision. I was so upset I was ready to lose it at work so I hung up on S11. Then D8 called to ask why I hung up. Then S11 called back. I couldn't take it, especially at work. So as I left my cell rang and it was H. Talking calmly and reasonably-which infuriates me anyway as then I look like the crazy one. Tried to reason with me. Said they were having a hard time - knowing my response he added that of course I was having the hardest time. Really? I hadn't noticed. He ended by telling me to be careful driving since I was upset and crying. I told him who f-ing cares and hung up. This morning when H dropped off the kids I was in the shower and twice he said "yo". I didn't even response, one because I am furious at him and 2 because I HAVE a name and expect to be called by it.

I have decided I WILL NOT ask H to do ANYTHING. That way I am not disappointed. I had a list on the fridge that has been there forever. I erased it today. He does none of it anyway. And yes, I had been thanking him profusely for anything he did for me-little that it was. H has no life but is constantly saying that he has no time and is in a hurry with everything. Rushes the kids out of my house everyday. To do what? God if I know. Tells me on the call that he does make them do chores. This is mainly why I think they want to be over there as they have mentioned it when I get on them about things they need to do. When I ground them at times I get them telling me they are over there that night so it doesn't matter.

I am trying but I am really a broken spirit at this point, with no light at the end of the tunnel. And as far as the meds, I went off just under a yr ago. I still have bottles of zoloft in the cabinet. I personally never felt any different. What helped was not medication but attitude. I have read too many books to list. On my second reading of DR now. Just can't always get the time or the motivation. And I have group tonite but I sometimes think they are sick of hearing me. I asked them last week about the stress I was having at home and now at work too. Got nothing.
Thanks everyone, I REALLY appreciate the input more than you can imagine.

[HSSweetheart]

P.S. Jeannette- I tried mowing the lawn in '05 when he left for the summer. GOD, that was by far the hardest thing I ever did. ANd I could only do it weekend mornings if the neighbor was out to start it for me!! SO I CAN RELATE TOTALLY!!!!!
(S11 is going to learn to use is this summer, of that I am sure!)