A friend who has known me since this began, opened my eyes to me
She asked me how I was. I talked about the kids. How I had been there for them and they know I will always be there. Im have never lied or tried to cover things from them.
Truth, Trust and stability.
My door has been open to an for them. I have been their constant.
I talked about H and how he is soooo in MLC and that really although there have been baby steps, it is very hard for him.
That I see littlepeeks of him every once in a while but the mindgames and control are a big part of where he is now.
She listened, like the good friend that she is, and when I stopped she said"No, I mean how are things goingwith YOU"
(Wow, I never thought about just "me")
Her phone rang and I had to leave her office.
"ME???" "How am I doing???"
I haven't thought about it in a very long time.]
I have worried about the kids... they're doing good now
I worried about H. Hmmmm kinda in limbo but baby steps is good.
Me...I have been in this place, although different degrees of different stages for a year now.
H has not given me anything to hold on to, to grab tight to, to work on,
H is suspicios of me??? and thinks everything I do has ulterior motive. I have nothing to hide and I want to make this work. I've told him this but still....I guess he doesn't get it.
Yes,he is still at home and that is a good thing...in some respects....
He closes the door to his room,I suppose he is setting a boundry, but at the same time he is closing off the rest of his family.
Yes, he loves me and this is why he has set up timelines to move and has yet to.
But this is not enough for me.
- it has been a year
-a very taxing, draining, growing year
- I am lonely but not alone
- I have been available, I have been constant and I have made mistakes along the way.
- I am human and I want to be loved
-I have given my all and in my heart I know that I need to move ahead
-I will not kick him out, I will not threaten or call him down.
- I will be his friend. I will move forward.
-I am more confidentand am not the same person since this started.
Meet the new "Judy"
I need to get back to the happy, carefree joking person that used to reside in this body.
I know she's there and I'm bringing her back.
So I'm preparing my financial statement and when my lawyer gets back from her vacation, I'm going to make an appointmentwith her.
Don't get me wrong, I'll be there if he needs me but I don't see him needing me anytime soon. He's not ready....
This won't be easy and my close friends will be there for me.
I'm hoping that I can come here too as I count you dber's as my friends. My friends have brought me to the point that I can say I'm "enlightened" by my life,
E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
I agree that it is important to consider the "me" but I am always concerned that some people will move from "all about everyone else except for me" to "I have to consider me first before anyone else". I don't think you are saying that. I know that our spouses, WAS, MLC, dropout, droplet, whatever, somehow got to the point, possibly listening to a "good friend" when they said "what about me?"
No one should be a martyr. Then again, we have to be careful that we don't cause harm to others including our children by doing exactly what our self concerned spouses have done to us and those around us.
I hope you take care of yourself in this.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
You see mmf, this ME<ME<ME is not what I'm really all about.
It's not just about me but now I have to put me in this family.
I have always wanted to "fix this" and "take care of that" but now its time to factor me in the equation.
I have taken care of everyone else but me.I have put everyone else first and now I need to rejoin the family. Enjoy the family and go from here.
I am NOT in the MLC frame of mind. That is not who I am.
I am a surviver.
I was abused as a kid and I know that it is never all about me.It's always so much deeper...
No one can survive on their own.
There is always the darkest before the dawn therefore mmf, I want the family that I brought into this world to survive and thrive. I will always be there for them...NO MATTER WHAT.
I will not leave them to discover what lies ahead and I will always own up to my mistakes ...I always have.
I need to be me.
I hope this makes sense......E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
It does make sense. I am glad you are taking stock of your life and considering yourself in the equation. It is just as harmful to ignore oneself as it is to only concentrate on oneself.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I feel as if you typed what you wrote by reading it off the inside of my heart. i too realized that I had a m a family but the essential me was missing from the equation.
I too was abused as a kid and learned from an early age while all around me in my family of origin ran from themselves and their lives, I stood and faced me.
I thought that the right, best thing to do was to put everyone else ahead of me. That would show everyone how much I loved them, what they thought, felt , wanted and needed was of paramount importance. My time would come later.
I have learnt how important it is to include me in the equation, to admit my needs allow a give and take. it is not self centered at all and never will be because I see that to be healthy and truly happy expressing the love I have for myself allows me to have more of an abundance to give to others. I become richer and so does everyone else.
I also through this journey see that I am responsible for my happiness and mine alone.
Thank you Annie,I'm so glad that I could touch a heart. Take care and keep in touch E
Quote:
I'm hoping that I can come here too as I count you dber's as my friends. My friends have brought me to the point that I can say I'm "enlightened" by my life,
Quote:
I didn't get too much of a reply to this post.
Well, hmmmmm I hope i can rely on my DB friends when the time comes that I will need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. E
"Sometimes in the winds of change, we find our true direction"
I'm hoping that I can come here too as I count you dber's as my friends. My friends have brought me to the point that I can say I'm "enlightened" by my life,
I didn't get too much of a reply to this post.
Well, hmmmmm I hope i can rely on my DB friends when the time comes that I will need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend. E
Of course you can! There will always be someone here to commiserate with. For example, there's me...
and thinks everything I do has ulterior motive. I have nothing to hide and I want to make this work. I've told him this but still....I guess he doesn't get it.
