She's Gone - No Contact

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks. Good advice. I know I should put the focus on myself. I have been (mostly). I started back to school in August getting my graduate degree. Will be finished in December. I've joined the local fitness club. Tried to be content alone and with "friends." BUT IT'S SO HARD! When you've been "attached" to someone for over 2 years, were best friends, lots of lovemaking, etc., it's like a cold shock to turn your life in a different direction. I'm sad, lonely, depressed, miss her, etc. I realize I'm not at all ready for anyone new. Frankly, I don't know if I'll ever pursue anyone else. If I can't have what I want, what I've had, I may just settle on being alone. Before I found out about the house I was getting much better and was happy "waiting". But if she sells the house, it seems so final!

Do you think it's weird that I want to buy the house? It's 30 miles from my current home. I've been wanting to move for about 5 years (before she came along) for privacy reasons (I currently live near family). Her house is in the country, 5 acres, old farm house and some really good memories (we spent most of our time there). At this point, I have no idea where she plans to live - possibly a major move. She would not be anywhere near this house I don't think.

What makes you say I "have a ways to go?" Because of my "snooping", my sadness, what?

What do you think are the odds that she might return to me?

Thanks. This helps so much.

[Atlas]

Kin,

What people mean by "you have a ways to go" is that generally this takes a lot of time. I have been here since June of 07. Some S's D the left behind S, others geographically locate. You don't know what she will do, but you can only do what you can do for you.

I wouldn't recommend buying the house. Reason is, your buying on emotion, and if things don't work out you could be stuck with memories that will become painful over time. I now hate driving past mine and my W's old apartment. Used to go by there with longing memories and now it hurts. Luckly she was only in "our" house for 21 days before leaving and I have done everything I can to arrange the house for myself now. I've taken all pics down except for my son and my family. I've completely packed all of W's things away. One day she will come get the rest I'm sure. Plus you need to be near people and family, moving out to the country could be a recipe for depression and disaster on your DB efforts. Let her sell her house, it hurts. But it is just a thing. New memories can be created. For now she will only recall hurt ones, and by staying with the house you will show a weakness. You need to let her know that you can live without her and you will be ok, through your actions.

If she truly loves you, she will eventually snap out of it and come back to you. But she won't come back to a weak person, you have to stand strong for yourself. We are never attracted to weak people, so be a good person and stand for yourself. The pain will get easier, but it is hard. But you CAN and WILL do it.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks Atlas. Good advice. Hard to take but appreciated. I hate this. I keep thinking I'm getting better then something else happens (bombs). I was doing so well since the New Year until I drive by and see the damn "For Sale" sign. What next?

Why are all the partners of the people on this site so irresponsible, uncommitted, having affairs, needing space? Obviously all of us are fairly stable, responsible, committed, want to stay together, etc. Is there something wrong with us? Are we choosing inappropriate partners unconsciously? Or are all of the partners who are leaving and unhappy dysfunctional?

[Atlas]

Haha!

Great questions. Wish I had the answers for those. I'm sure it is a little of both. No one is perfect and we all have our own issues and problems.

All you can do is take this as a learning experiance. Expand your horizons, learn from your mistakes of the past. Figure out how you contributed to the falling out. Continue to grow as a person. That way when you get into a new R, be it with her or someone else you don't carry the "baggage" of your past mistakes only to repeat them.

I look back on mine and had no idea how to listen to a women, how to make her feel cherished. Thought I did. Never thought about reading into what she was saying and what that meant. I have read a lot of books on the subject of R's and think I will do a much better job in my life with all my R's.

It seems to help with all R's as well. Not just ones with a significant other. Family, friends, co-workers, etc... At the end of the day, all we have is our faith and hope, and the R's we nourish. Things will come and go, but R's are to be nurtured and enjoyed to add to our lives and not suck us dry. You have to learn how to love yourself before you can love someone else.

So try not to dwell to much on the why has this happened. It is a victim mentality and will just rack your brain into craziness. Do spend a little, and I would even time it so you don't get boged down into it to much, on how it happened to learn from it. From there go out and do something fun, enjoy things, GAL, try new things.

[NikB]

Tried to be content alone and with "friends." BUT IT'S SO HARD! When you've been "attached" to someone for over 2 years, were best friends, lots of lovemaking, etc., it's like a cold shock to turn your life in a different direction. I'm sad, lonely, depressed, miss her, etc. I realize I'm not at all ready for anyone new.

I honestly don't think you will be ready for anyone new until you truly learn to make YOURSELF happy. You need to be able to enjoy life, like who you are, etc. - that is what will be best for you, and also what will make you attractive to someone else (whoever that may be - your last GF, a future one, etc.)

I definitely wouldn't buy the house for the reasons that Atlas mentions.

What makes you say I "have a ways to go?" Because of my "snooping", my sadness, what?

Your snooping, sadness, and dependence on "someone else" to make you happy.

What do you think are the odds that she might return to me?

No idea... and even if the odds were 99% that she won't you'd still hope to be that 1%, right?? I know I would.

I do know that the odds of her MUCH lower that she'll return to sad, lonely, depressed, clingy, snooping, etc. though. Returning to a woman who is happy, vibrant, strong, confident, and excited about a future that she plans to make GREAT - MUCH more likely.

Why are all the partners of the people on this site so irresponsible, uncommitted, having affairs, needing space?

One other critical thing you will learn over time - you've got to find some empathy for your partner or you'll never be able to move forward. She was not happy in your relationship. She has a right to pursue happiness. She's not doing it the way you'd hope... and maybe she didn't tell you beforehand in a way that gave you the time (and sense of urgency) to make the needed changes.. but she does not "owe" you her life or her love. That's a choice, and she chose differently than you'd hoped. That said.. she can choose to love and be with you again! But you'll have to be a person that she'd WANT to make that choice for. Make sense??

Obviously all of us are fairly stable, responsible, committed, want to stay together, etc. Is there something wrong with us? Are we choosing inappropriate partners unconsciously? Or are all of the partners who are leaving and unhappy dysfunctional?

I think it's pretty unfair to say that everyone who leaves is dysfunctional. The relationship they are leaving is/was dysfunctional, for sure. Both sides usually have a part in that. I'd agree that the LBS here are definitely committed and want to stay together, but the other parts.. well, I'm sure the person leaving would disagree with some of that, and they are entitled to their feelings.

The relationships didn't (usually) start off as dysfunctional, so the key is to figure out what changed over time and made it so that it didn't work anymore for the other partner. Some of it I think has to do with "other" things.. MLC, re-examining life, etc. But a lot of it's probably due to factors within the R, where the problem was much more serious to the "leaving" partner than the "staying" partner ever realized.

[NikB]

Oh and as Atlas notes - try not to dwell on it for too long! Instead focus on making the future great. But it is worth spending a little time to figure out your part in the decline of the R, so you can learn from your mistakes.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thank you both. I wouldn't have made it (as successfully) through the weekend without you. I feel better. Haven't cried since yesterday as I was telling my best friend (an ex from 15 years ago) about the "For Sale" sign.

Those last two comments were me just venting. I know very well there are two sides to every story. It just seems so sad that so many spouses have left unhappy instead of trying to work on the relationship together, with a counselor or whatever.

I do have empathy for GF. I know exactly why her issues are causing her behavior. I know exactly why my issues were causing my behavior. She let me know early on (3 months into the relationship) that she did not like my need for constant closeness. I tried unsuccessfully to fix this, finally started going to the shrink and frankly, I'm still a little unsure I can be different consistently. I know what to do, I just don't always do it. My shrink says I have a little "OCD" with my compulsive behavior. I have a book on that and I'm trying to figure it all out. Things like this "For Sale" sign - If we'd been on speaking terms, I would have cried, asked her why she did it, etc. She would have freaked out. She hates questions. I have questioned her way too often. She hates it when I cry and act like my feelings are hurt. She thinks I'm demanding and controlling with my questions. She has told me I act like a child. I think I have a problem with "boundaries." I'm trying to figure that out too. I did depend on her for my happiness and I see how that was smothering. Ya'll are right, I have a long way to go. It's frustrating but I'm determined.

The funny thing is, in the 10 years prior to getting with GF I read every relationship book I could get my hands on and I still screwed it up. It's also funny that in my previous long-term relationship (12 years), none of this ever came up. We got along great. The reason for THAT breakup was THAT ex was also into the religion, "this is wrong" thing. (This is a small town in the south.)

Thanks Nik for the 1% joke. That's exactly what my shrink says, 1 in 100 (that she will come back and we would be happy together). And yes, I will probably hang on to that 1%. By the way, you are a very good counselor. That may be your profession. If it's not, you should seriously think about it. Ya'll are just as good as my shrink and a lot cheaper! Ha. Thank goodness for insurance.

I think I also have a self-esteem problem. How exactly does one go about "liking who they are?"

If we have no contact, how's she supposed to see the "new" me? We live 30 miles apart and we will probably NEVER "run into" each other.

I have sent numerous apology letters, apologized in person, over the phone, in text messages, etc. throughout the past 2 1/2 years. Do I need to communicate any further apology regarding my inappropriate behavior or just shut up and keep praying?

Does it help/hurt/neither for me to occasionally send a card? (Valentine's is coming up although it won't be "mushy.")

Thought you might want to know - I'm 49 and she's 38.

Thanks again. This outlet is a lifesaver.

K

[NikB]

K - ahh sorry, didn't realize you were just venting. Good to get that out here, too!

Oh I can SO relate on the "Boundaries" thing. I kept having people here tell me about setting boundaries and I finally realized I had no comprehension what that even really meant! There are a number of great boundary books by Anne Katherine. The most popular I think is "Where You End and I Begin." She gives a lot of real world examples that have FINALLY helped me understand the concept better (putting it into practice, still working on it - but you can't put it into practice til you "get it" so I figure that's a good start).

I have that self-esteem issue, too. SDFoundGirl (a regular poster in Piecing) once suggested writing a love letter to myself and I realized just HOW hard that would be. Wow.. kinda sad. So I've been working on that a lot - focusing on the positives about myself, and trying to do more things that MAKE me feel positive about myself.

Aw thank you for the compliment on the counselor thing. I'm not in that field at all, but I can relate! I get so much good advice here and think "half these people must be counselors!" I think what it comes down to is we all learn SO much going through this process that we start to understand counseling type things a lot better. If that makes any sense at all.. I am FAR better at giving suggestions than putting them into practice for myself (getting better, but that's the tougher part of the equation, for sure).

In response to a few specific questions...

If we have no contact, how's she supposed to see the "new" me? We live 30 miles apart and we will probably NEVER "run into" each other.

I wouldn't worry about this just yet... work on giving her the space she wants and becoming the "new you" first.

I have sent numerous apology letters, apologized in person, over the phone, in text messages, etc. throughout the past 2 1/2 years. Do I need to communicate any further apology regarding my inappropriate behavior or just shut up and keep praying?

DEFINITELY stop apologizing. All it does is remind her of all the bad stuff. She KNOWS you're sorry, you've said it, now leave it alone.

One thing people advise here a lot that helped me - consider your old relationship with her as truly over. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't working, it is OVER.

So.. if you do get back together.. it's a NEW relationship, one that needs to focus on the future, not on past wrongs and hurts and regrets. Apologizing focuses on the old R that is over.

Does it help/hurt/neither for me to occasionally send a card? (Valentine's is coming up although it won't be "mushy.")

I would not send her a Valentine's card. I'm sure that she is probably both expecting and dreading one, and will be pleasantly surprised and maybe even a little curious if she doesn't get one. She needs to see that you can live your life without her. A card sends a message that you're still clinging to her as much as you can. And the non-mushy card emphasizes it even more - it says, in effect, "I know you don't want to be in an R with me but I'm still so hung up on you that I couldn't help but send you a card, but to avoid being awkward I'll make sure it's a meaningless card, not something you'd get from a partner in a happy healthy R." In fact, I would not acknowledge Valentine's day at all unless she decides to do so. I WOULD make some nice plans for yourself though. Even if it's just cooking yourself your fave dinner at home, do something to keep your mind off of it.

As to occasionally sending other cards - at this point it will not help, probably will hurt or be "neutral" if you're lucky. She said she doesn't want to be in an R with you, so by continuing to pursue on you're her feelings, and coming across as pretty clingy too. I'd really get focused on you for awhile and maybe set yourself a time in the future (I'd say at least a month) where you test the waters with a bit of friendly, upbeat, light contact, and see what happens.

[Atlas]

Kin,

Listen to what Niki is saying, she is good at this and nails the points dead one. This thread helps me as much as it does you. Thats the great thing about these BB's is that it sometimes is so easy to see someone elses sitch, but so difficult to comprehend your own.

I don't want to twist Niki's words, but it will help me to write this out, so if I'm wrong Niki, please feel free to correct and clarify where you can.

1. Your R is over. You have to realize this and quit denying it.

2. Crying, begging, chasing, sending cards is an attempt to hold on to the old R.

3. No one will love you if your weak, so work on yourself.

4. Hopefully, after some major work on your part, if your still in the same mind set, your old partner sees this after some time and wants to work on things.

5. You can't have a R with them until they want too.

6. Once they decide they want a R with you, if they do, then the real work begins.

7. If they decide they don't, well your already on your way to a better you and a greater life and better R's, having realized that you can and will survive and thrive without them.

Keep your faith and hope for you, pray often, and keep your head high.

[Kinlovewithm]

Thanks again for your kindness and your "expert" advice. Thanks for the book tip on boundaries. I'll find that one in the bookstore soon.

I'm like you. I give better advice than what I put into practice.

You're right on target again with my shrink regarding no more apologies. I agree with you.

Thanks for the Val. Day card advice. I haven't thought of the fact that she's both expecting and dreading one. She didn't even send me a Christmas card although I sent her one and took a gift to her house. She didn't even call to thank me for the gift until I sent her a text asking if she got it 2 days later. She's really been a b**ch. (Venting again). Actually, she's said it herself that she realizes she's a selfish, cold b**ch.

What would you do to "test the waters?" Call, text, card? I played this "leave me alone" game back in August & Sept. At the end of July, she said, "don't call me, I'll call you." Well, I didn't call her for 7 weeks. Then on Sept. 23, she sent me a text asking how I was then she called an hour later. We ended up going out that weekend. Then the week after made love (for the first & only time since May). Dated a few times in October although there were many discussions of "we don't get along" and "this is not right religiously". Then we had one date in early Nov. and I haven't seen her since. So it's been 3 months today since we've seen each other. Haven't spoken on the phone with her since Dec. 12 (7 weeks). We sent several text messages during Xmas and 2 or 3 times in January.

I'm losing my usual hope with this house drama. If she sells that house, I would imagine that I'll never see her again. I know it's just a house but it's where we spent most of our time together for 2 years. Lots of incredible memories. I am a hard core sentimentalist and would really get a lot of pleasure from living there. I know both of you said NO, don't buy the house and I will certainly give that some thought BUT I really do just love the house, where it's located, not totally for the sentimental value. I would never be sad thinking that's where we made most of our memories. Just the opposite. It would be comforting. Is that crazy?

Thank you for all your help. God bless you all with your own problems. K