Hi All - Just wanted to let you know that so far everything is going well. The first couple of weeks were not easy, but we are both over that now and really are working positively together and talking has become so much easier. Sonia, Johnswife, David - thanks for keeping me in line during that sticky time. I have told him about this site and how much it has helped me focus on the right direction and he has asked if he can look at it and maybe help out as well. So I have deleted my venting ramblings.
I am now relaxed and at peace with where we are at right now because I know that we are both going to do a lot of talking about our feelings, what has gone on and where we want to go together. It's a good feeling. I have a new man with a new and different attitude, the anger is gone and his gentle and loving side is out there and working hard. His barriers are down and he is being open and honest. That's all we need to be able to move on to better things.
Three months ago I wouldn't have bet any money that we would have been here today but I am living proof that Michele's techniques do work. Thank goodness I found this site two months ago.
I'll keep visiting and will do my best to advise where I can.
Joanne I knew you were going to make it and have been watching for your update. It took a lot of hard work to get here and now that you have made it back together just let things happen naturaly.
So glad to hear your H is already working hard at rebuilding what he nearly destroyed. I know it makes you feel good to know he is really trying. Try to just relax and enjoy what is happening.
Sharing your success here will give hope to others so do keep us updated. You have given us all something to smile about today, thanks.
Joanne, Good for you! It's got to be a lot better to find this site earlier in the ride, than later. I do wish I had found it before I made my ton of mistakes.
Anyway, I am so very happy for you and I wish you the best in the days to come. It would be really great if your h can give us input from "the other side". Returning spouses are always welcome here. hugs to you both, GG
hi Joanne - i was reading your site this morning - it's so nice to hear good news for a change. I'm so glad everything is working out for you. I'm not too familiar with your story, but how did your h start turning around? How long have you both been separated? my h has moved out 2 months ago - and there is no sign of reconciliation on his part at all. he comes by to visit the kids once a week and tries not to have any contact with me. He keeps telling everyone he needs to get on with his life. I don't think there is an ow. i feel so hurt - i always feel like i want to do something - like try and talk some sense to him - or have a friend talk to him - i can't seem to stop thinking of a way to get through to him. I don't beg or plead anymore - i only did that the first 3 weeks he was gone - now i say nothing - no contact - i'm afraid to talk about anything with him. From your experience, what do you think? should i just keep playing it cool - no relationship conversations - stop trying to get back together with him ? Neither one of us has filed for d yet - i don't even think he's even seen a lawyer. What do you think i should do? how long did it take your h to come around? what were the signs? what did you do to help this happen? Thanks so much for your advice. Your story give me hope.
MTV, sorry I haven't replied sooner. If you look on I Need Support and Tia's thread Divorce is Not the Answer, you will see that I have written quite a lot about my situation. If there is something I haven't answered there, please come back and ask, I'm very happy to pass on everything I have learnt on my journey.
MTV - sorry, I posted a reply to you but it somehow got lost. Check out my long posts on Tia's thread Divorce is not the Answer which I think is on I Need Suppot forum. Come back with any questions, I'll be glad to share my experiences.
Jo: read your post on my thread, this thread and tia's thread. i would like to invite him for dinner.i have done that in the past and he always has an excuse. tomorrow is his day off. i am working but i know he has to stop by and give me a check. maybe when he calls tonight i will invite him for tomorrow night. i think he will remind me it doesn't mean we are getting back together. how should i respond to that type of comment...and how should i respond if he says no. i simply want him to take a risk and spend time with me. i told him he doesn't know the person who lives in this house. do send me advice. i want to be positive. i think people are not calling me because i am depressing to be around. i have vowed to myself to always be there when friends are lonely. and you are right. can't dwell in what could have been. what scares me is in my mind i think i know the future does not include him. my heart does not agree. the two have not met yet!
Well, I'm feeling a little better mentally this morning although the bronchitis which I've had for 3 weeks is still with me and doesn't seem to be improving any. Gosh I seem to have a moan a day at the moment, I must stop that.
OK, dinner invites. When I was still separated but my H was turning, I invited him on date - that's a first! - and it didn't go the way I wanted it to. I was eager to move things along and in a way was testing him as well as myself. He plays golf on the same night every week. However, it was 29th Feb and I thought I would throw caution to the winds. I was going to set him up to meet me for dinner but hire a hotel room, order in dinner and champagne and ask him to marry me.
Of course he didn't know all that, I simply asked him if he would meet me for dinner and drinks on that night. In fairness I didn't give him much notice, I asked him the night before. My test of him was to see if he would cancel his golf to promote our improving relations. And I must admit I enjoyed hearing him squirm over what to do and what to say to me. However, my test of me, was that I let him off the hook easily. He offered to go on the next night but that would not have fitted with my plans and I just said cheerfully, never mind we'll do it another time. He pushed a little for the next day but I said not to worry, I had plans for that night (I didn't) and we would make it another time. I didn't want to sound like I would do anything just to have dinner with him and make myself sound 'needy'.
That was the point where I realised that yes, I was detached and I had really let go and I could handle talking to him and seeing him without falling apart either during or after. And I think it let him see that I wasn't going to push or give him a hard time because he wouldn't fit in with my plans.
The following week, he asked me to go for drinks and dinner because he needed to discuss something. The reason was his new job offer but it gave him a good excuse to make a move. That was on the Wednesday, he came around on Thursday and we talked more, he came to see the children on Friday and before he left, he said he wanted to move back in that day.
Now I can't say the same will happen for you. I didn't have an OW to deal with but at the end of the day, it can only be yourself you change and your relationship and the way you relate to your H. My H had decided and told me many times, that there was no chance for us because I would never change. But I did change, I did it for me and it astounded him.
So, if he says this doesn't mean anything about being back together just say you know that and it's OK, you just wanted to invite him for dinner, it's no big deal, and smile or even laugh, acting as if you don't know where he got the idea that you had anything else in mind. Just make sure that you believe that too. Don't have any expectations more than a pleasant evening and pleasant conversation. Your attitude will confuse him because what he expects is more of you telling him how you've changed, more talk about OR, more upset. Don't volunteer any information about yourself, let him find it out by himself and for himself. If he talks about work or problems, be sympathetic and supportive without being gushy. Try and keep your mouth shut and let him fill the silence, let him initiate anything you talk about. If he starts to talk about OR or how he doesn't want to come back, how it's finished, just gently ask him if you could both just drop that subject for tonight because you don't want to argue or for either of them to get upset. Slow yourself down and think what you are saying before you say it and you will be able to stay out of trouble.
Physical changes are great and help us all to feel better about how we look but the changes that make a difference are the ones we do with our heads and our emotions. I have never been a devious or manipulative person and I really thought I couldn't do this, it would be tantamount to manipulating. What I discovered was that I wasn't doing anything to manipulate him, I was simply doing it to myself and making myself happy in the process. I wanted him back in my life but he didn't start to want that too until I truly believed that I wanted him but didn't need him. It changed the look on my face and the way I said things and dealt with things. Getting upset didn't make me happy so I didn't let anything upset me, not even when he didn't make it for the 29th. My view is that he was controlling the situation. The more he knew I needed him back, the more he heard that I wanted him to see things my way, the more he dug himself deep into believing what he was doing was right. You can't make him see changes, or believe things are different by telling them or doing anything to point it out. You have to be different, react differently to what they expect and be calmly nice and caring and let them see that no matter what is going on, that they don't have control over you. You are thoughful, dignified and happy. If you can carry this off, be assured that they go home thinking. No longer are they reacting from a defensive position. If you aren't attacking them or pleading with them or telling them what to do, then they have nothing to be defensive about. They might not consciously admit it to themselves straight away, but they enjoyed your company, they had a pleasant evening and that was the last thing they expected to happen. But they will be cautious. The events and conversations after that evening have got to be dealt with the same way. When you talk on the telephone (to anyone) make yourself smile because it really does make a difference to your words. They can't hear you smile at the other end of the phone but they can feel you smiling in every pleasant word you say.
I know your intial reaction will be - I can't do that. But you can Ronnie, and you will be amazed at how much better you feel yourself. I was totally in shock that it had such a profound affect on my H. I think that is why Michele says "we are very aware of how our spouse's actions affect us, but very low in awareness about how our actions affect our spouse". That's what makes taking the leap of faith so difficult for all of us. We have to see that what we are doing is having a negative affect and believe that doing it differently could have a positive affect.
I made a startling discovery about myself yesterday. I realised that the reason I detached very quickly (once I found out that I had to do it) is probably because I've had to practice it (without really knowing) for many years with members of my family. And the reason for my emotional disturbance yesterday was that I had been forced out of my detachment.
I also see that I was so distracted that I actually signed my real name on one of the posts - something I have seriously avoided on this site.
I still haven't got your e-mail address yet because the address was wrong, but I'll write again today and see if that works.
I hope this helps to give you a little more PMA but don't expect miracles of yourself. Don't do anything until you feel you are ready to cope with it and able to control your own reactions and emotions. If you end up fallng apart in the middle of dinner, it won't have the desired outcome. Don't expect miracles of him either. This is a small step and there are lots more ahead.
Remember, you can't discuss any issues with him until you both find that the way you are dealing with one another is different and better and happier. You've got to do that for yourself and he also has to find that out and do it for himself. Nothing about the future will change unless you make it different.
