Sorry to hear you are not sleeping well. It's a really difficult time. Not having people to rely on - I know that's got to be hard. I feel the same way, nobody really has any good advice. But I know this is what you really want. We'll get through this and you'll be happier on the other side.
I don't know if you believe me but I still care about you, even if we will not be together. Like I said, I don't like divorce but I support your right to choose. With the kids, We'll still need to have a relationship, so it may as well be cordial. I want this to be as easy as possible for all of us.
That went into the black hole. nothing back. I wasn't expecting anything!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
But here's another update. We don't yet have a temporary parenting plan in place. I see the kids "when she says so" which is basically every other weekend and then a couple of weekday nights. I spend no overnights with them because she has disallowed me from coming to the house, and I don't have money for my own place. I have asked repeatedly for residential time with my kids. Time in the house. overnight. mornings. I used to make em pancakes in the morning and popcorn at night. She has repeatedly refused my requests. On what grounds?, you might ask. She "doesn't feel comfortable" with me in the house. I suggest that she goes away while I am there. Still no.
So last night I called my kids at the house, to say goodnight. Turns out the W is out at a basketball game with a friend. Three of my kids, the S12, S11, and D6, are home alone. The D9 is sleeping over at a friend's house. This is a school night, mind you.
I cannot believe this is happening. She goes out and leaves the kids alone. I am 10 minutes away, happy to be with them, in fact, and they are alone. My six year old daughter is putting herself to sleep.
I phoned her, no answer. I know she ignored the call. I left a voicemail saying "I understand you are at the game and the kids are home alone. This is irresponsible parenting. I want to know if you will let me go over there to put them to bed." Immediately she calls me back, "I'm on my way home. They're fine" It's like she got caught. The game wasn't over, but for some reason (wonder what it was?) she left early.
I told her to call me when she got home. I phone the kids again, still awake watching TV, 930pm. Get to bed, I say. I'm not mad at you, but it's time for bed. Brush your teeth. (parenting through the phone).
She doesn't call back. At 1005pm, I call her again, she tells me she's "pulling into the driveway." Uh-huh. Then I repeat, this is not responsible. She starts to justify why it is ok to leave them for 4 hours on a school night. I am having none of it.
Then she tells me I am making the kids "homeless". [See, now that there are lawyers involved, and I am out of the house, I have pushed for an equitable splitting of assets and income, so I can get my own place. That means, we don't keep the big house. Which means, we sell it. I'm not sure what is surprising to her about this.] She is just pissed. All the while I am speaking calmly but firmly.
She tells me she will never talk to me again, and that all communication henceforth will be through her lawyer. Oh! Too bad! And the last 18 months have been pure pleasure! How will I survive without the constant unfoudned accusations, name calling, and lies? I don't say this either. I just say OK and hang up.
It's not responsible. Get on the line to your lawyer ASAP and document this fully. Note it well because you are going to need it to get real parenting time with your kids. Most DB principles have to do with being nice, but when child safety is involved the gloves come off until the situation changes. No meanness involved, just protection of your loved ones. Children trump reconciliation any day.
ok, the drama continues. There are two parallel threads here.
I had sent the empathy email earlier yesterday. Then in the evening I sent a text "Howdja sleep last night? I worry about you. 4 hrs/nt is not enough!" That's the empathy/friend thread.
Then, at 815pm, I found out she is away at the bball game.
I just saw the email she sent me last night 1115pm.
On the one hand, she is pissed and frightened about my reaction to her leaving the kids alone. She justifies it, tells me it's nothing, and asks me to not take any other legal action. On the other she is thanking me for the concern I showed about her well-being.
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the whole point of leaving the kids is so that they could have practice babysitting. Most children in our neighborhood start babysitting at 11. It's always been okay with us to have a 12 or 13 year old babysitters. Your niece babysat for us when she was 12. Our first babysitter, when we lived in our first house, was in 7th grade and had just turned 13. We left a crying infant with her for hours, if you recall and we had to go running home on more than one occasion. The boys had emergency contact information, I called them every hour, and I was home by 10:00.
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And for your information, I appreciate your concern you showed me earlier in the night. I am very sad that we have to sell the house. I am sorry that I have to sell my car. I don't know what my future will be with the kids. I don't know where we're going to live, what schools they'll have to go to, if you are going to support them reasonably, how long it is going to take me to get a job. There are a whole lot of big questions that I don't have answers to. It's not unreasonable for me to go out for a few hours with my one and only close friend here to talk some of this through.
My W is now in the angry phase. She's ticked at all the changes the divorce will imply. I find it almost incedible that she only now seems to be realizing that divorce means the sale of the house, the sale of the convertible I gave her for her birthday, upheaval in all our lives. It means she will likely have to get a job.
Incredible! If I did not see it with my own eyes I wouldn't believe it. How can she be surprised by this? This is what she has been asking for all along.
The only thing I can do is be firm and empathetic ...
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I am not ok with the unspoken parenting plan we have in place now.
I would like to discuss with you when and how our kids will be alone, and for how long. I am not ok with you unilaterally deciding, without telling me, that Thursday night is a good night to have a 11 yr old babysit a 6 year old for 4 hours, while you are 25 miles away, and while you continue to prevent me from coming to the house. I am here, available. I have repeatedly asked for time with the kids. I am right here. Is it better that they go to sleep with their Dad kissing them goodnight, or is it better that they go to bed with no parent there? Is it better if they wake up with their Dad and have pancakes on a Saturday morning, or is it better that they wake up alone?
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Like you, I'm also sorry that we have to sell the house and the car, and everything in our lives will be disrupted. I'm sorry about the uncertainty. I don't like it either, but this is what divorce is. This is how it works. I don't like it but I support your choice. I know you need to be happy, and I want you to be happy.
> It's not unreasonable for me to go out for a few hours with my one and only close friend in Washington to talk some of this through.
I know! I'm glad you're going out! That's great!! Really! I am glad you have friends. I am glad you have a social life. I am happy that you are doing things you enjoy. Really, Really. You need to have fun! Everyone needs to smile and relax.
You also said you were worried about how I will support the kids. W, That is one worry you can just drop. As long as I walk this earth, I will support my children, you can count on it!
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I am sorry you are in this position with the W. She is off her rocker and I agree that you may need to get some legal help at this point. She is calling the shots with your kids and if she won't agree to some equitable way to allow you to spend more time with your children, then I'm not sure if you have any other options outside of consulting your own lawyer.
I am proud of the tone and message you put out in your e-mails. You did a great job of being firm about what you will and won't tolerate with the kids as well as continuing to be a loving friend who is affirming what she has told you.
Hang in there. She knows you don't want divorce and she's now facing reality of what divorce actually means. Although it is amazing she wanted this so badly and now realizes it isn't a picnic, it is a small victory that she is sobering up a bit about whether or not she wants to continue down this road.
Her running hasn't solved the problems she thought it would and she is clearly a bit scared about the future - the same future she has sought to create.
Also, it is interesting that she responded to you and asked you to not pursue anything legally. Why? She must know that you have a good case and could really put a dent in her dream escape if you do get your own lawyer.
I wouldn't put it as an ultimatum, but I would let her know that if she doesn't work to create an equitable way for you to be with your kids, you will have no real choice but to get a laywer of your own.
Hang in there. Keep doing your best to be strong.
RTL PS - Is the Washington the state or DC? Just curious as I'm from the state originally.
I understand where she is coming from. She does have a point about the age of previous babysitters.
I also understand where you are coming from. She is lucky that you are prepared to drop everything to go look after the kids so she can have some time out to talk/be with a friend. I know the way I have felt in the past when I wanted/needed to go out to do something for me and I was torn between asking h to come by and look after her (and face the possibility that he couldn't come by) and have to deal with the guilt trip of me wanting some time for me versus the simplicity of getting a babysitter and not saying anything to him about it. I did that once, and got myself a new bumhole ripped by h. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. She may well feel trapped. She doesn't know how you think.
I may get disapproval from what I am about to say, but here goes... also, as basically a single mum - I have left d6 in the house on her own while I have gone to an appointment and I frequently go to the gym very early in the morning (before work) and leave d6 at home asleep on her own. d6 knows how to call me on the phone, she knows how to open the door to get herself out of the house if necessary, she can feed herself and get drinks for herself.
Even when h was home, we would leave d6 (when she was younger) at home asleep by herself while he took me to the airport very early in the morning. I was uncomfortable with doing this back then as d wasn't old enough to feed herself then but h convinced me it was better to let her sleep and risk her waking up than it was to wake her and take her to the airport with us and then she would be crabby for the rest of the day. I used to work away on a mine site where I would fly in and out - 8 days on, 6 days off.
I am okay with leaving d at home alone for short periods now that she can operate the phone. I have taught her about 000 and stranger danger.
I think it's okay to leave the kids at home for a few hours, specially if the older ones are good at looking after the younger ones. Of course, if they ar the type of siblings that stir each other up heaps then more than a couple of hours might not be so good but at 11 or 12 years of age, they should be able to recognise at least partially what is required of them. I agree with your wife in this instance in the concept. She probably should have told you beforehand but you would have insisted coming around to look after them wouldn't you? It seems that she wants to trial things to see if the older kids can look after the younger ones.
have left d6 in the house on her own while I have gone to an appointment and I frequently go to the gym very early in the morning (before work) and leave d6 at home asleep on her own. d6 knows how to call me on the phone, she knows how to open the door to get herself out of the house if necessary, she can feed herself and get drinks for herself.
Even when h was home, we would leave d6 (when she was younger) at home asleep by herself while he took me to the airport very early in the morning. I was uncomfortable with doing this back then as d wasn't old enough to feed herself then but h convinced me it was better to let her sleep and risk her waking up than it was to wake her and take her to the airport with us and then she would be crabby for the rest of the day. I used to work away on a mine site where I would fly in and out - 8 days on, 6 days off.
I am okay with leaving d at home alone for short periods now that she can operate the phone. I have taught her about 000 and stranger danger.
I think it's okay to leave the kids at home for a few hours, specially if the older ones are good at looking after the younger ones. Of course, if they ar the type of siblings that stir each other up heaps then more than a couple of hours might not be so good but at 11 or 12 years of age, they should be able to recognise at least partially what is required of them. I agree with your wife in this instance in the concept. She probably should have told you beforehand but you would have insisted coming around to look after them wouldn't you? It seems that she wants to trial things to see if the older kids can look after the younger ones.
Just my thoughts...i haven't gone back to edit.
Let me get this straight? You leave your six year old daughter alone in the house??? So you can go on appointments? So you can go to the gym? To go to the freakin' airport? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKIN MIND!!!!
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d6 knows how to call me on the phone, she knows how to open the door to get herself out of the house if necessary, she can feed herself and get drinks for herself.
SHE IS 6 YEARS OLD!!!! She is not old enough to be taking care of herself!!!! Gathering from your language, I believe you are not from the US, so I have no idea what laws they have in your country, but if you were in this country your ass would be arrested.
From what you have posted on my thread, I gathered you had a few 'loose' marbles in your head but this just kicks the bucket! Your name should be loose marbles not Loose Thread.
I cannot believe what I am reading.
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I am okay with leaving d at home alone for short periods now that she can operate the phone. I have taught her about 000 and stranger danger
Oh, so this makes it ok? Running to the gym, the airport, and appointments is not short periods of time! What is wrong with you. You are getting more than just disapproval from me.
I thought my H could be irresponsible, BUT you top the cake.
LT, wake up and realize what you are doing!!!!! If I knew where you lived I would have the authorities after you.
RTL, not only is it crazy but it's plain fuckin' stupid!
I don't think I am going to be able to sleep tonight because my blood is boiling!
I don't think since I have been here on this board that I have come across something so idiotic. I mean leaving a 6 year old home alone to take care of herself is something a crack whore would do.
Running to the gym, the airport, and appointments is not short periods of time! What is wrong with you. You are getting more than just disapproval from me. 