We Hold on

[fightingirish]

Hi Jak,

Well that night he came home very nasty. I stayed away from him and just went upstairs. He tried to be nice towards the end of the night, but I was in no mood by then, tired of the ups and downs with him, so I just rolled over and went to sleep.

Things have been "ok" , distant, but ok. He's very stressed with work, as are I, trying to get some mailers out to get some work. So that is taking its toll on both of us.

Im actually hoping that he is home late tonight, as I can put the kids to bed early and have time alone.

Thanks for checking on me.

[LL44]

Hey girl. Sorry about the nasty attitude. Seems as though your H bottles all his stresses (99% not about you...) and then it comes out in negative ways towards you. I hope you got some time alone. Much needed.......hugs!

[Yoyowife]

I'm sorry you had a bad day TAL.

Hugs, Yoyo

[fightingirish]

thanks lwb and yoyo.... warning this is a long vent...

Well I don't know what the hell is wrong with my H... I just can't stomach anything anymore. He starts barking at me for something this morning, as I am trying to get the kids ready and then I remain quiet for the rest of the morning, he decides to "freak out" on me because I have an attitude with him. Mind you I just was quiet. He starts yelling and screaming at me. I just said nothing. He thinks that barking at me is ok, and I shouldn't have any reaction to it. Im so tired of it.

I think to myself, what the heck am I doing, how did i get to this place in my life. This man has hurt me so much, and continues to be a jerk and Im still here. Im trapped, what can I do? I have two beautiful children that I would do anything for, including keeping our family intact. But at what cost? this man does not love me. He says he does when the moment is right, but he has no regard for my feelings at all.

I have been working on a mailing for him for 3 days now, on top of taking care of the house, the kids and the bills. I don't ever get, "I apppreciate you" ... or should I not expect that.. doesn't anyone say that to eachother anymore?

I had a good job that paid decent money, but I quit when my first boy was 1 year old to stay home with him. I know it is much more important for me to be with my boys than to go to a job, but I feel like im losing control over my life. H has more control because he is the bread winner and Im a SAHM. What do I do... I can't afford daycare anyway at this point it wouldn't work out (daycare here is expensive) and I just can't leave my 2 year old with someone else..

Im not looking for a solution, just a rant here. I do know that if I didn't have children with this man, I wouldn't be here. They are the only thing holding me together.

I made some stupid descions in my life, that I wish to the gods I could take back. I guess I have lots of regrets.

More and more I am losing any sort of connection with my H. Its getting worse, and he just doesn't care to try and fix it.

I know im all over the place with this rant.. sorry.

I had errands to do this morning, I cried the whole way... I don't know what to do at this point. Im so dissapointed in myself for letting it get this far. Im dissapointed for letting my children down. Im trying my hardest to not let this show to them. They are my whole heart.

Thank you for listening if you got this far.

[Sara]

TAL,

I'm sorry it is so bad. That is abuse, and you can't accept it. Because if you do, he will keep doing it. You have to confront him about the way he talks to you. Stand up for yourself -- no one else will.

[Mamabear]

Hi TAL,
I stopped by your thread cause your name is how I feel.

In reading your last post;
"I think to myself, what the heck am I doing, how did i get to this place in my life. This man has hurt me so much, and continues to be a jerk and Im still here. Im trapped, what can I do? I have two beautiful children that I would do anything for, including keeping our family intact. But at what cost? this man does not love me. He says he does when the moment is right, but he has no regard for my feelings at all."

I unfortunately feel the same except that I have three children...and am trying to hold on to the M for them. See my thread in Thinking of Leaving, I quoted something called "letting go", this may helf you. Mama

[fightingirish]

Sara,

Thanks for stopping, and yes I would have really got into with him but the kids were right there, and I didn't want them to be exposed to it. But yes, We will be having a discussion about it tonight.

Hi mamabear... it's tiring and draining the whole thing.

Was is even more irritating is that he just came by the house to get some tools for the job he's doing and he acts like everything is fine... Wtf?? I don't get it.

I will check our your stitch..

thanks

[GoingForward]

(((((((Tal,)))))))

I can TOTALLY relate to your feelings in your earlier post as well as this:

Was is even more irritating is that he just came by the house to get some tools for the job he's doing and he acts like everything is fine... Wtf?? I don't get it.

I've experienced and felt this myself many, many times!

I'm curious - What was H barking about?

[karen43]

My H was the same way, taking all his stress & anger out on me and blaming me for everything even when he would lose his own keys or whatever! I have finally started standing up for myself, and I was surprised but when I did, he actually stopped yelling at me, and I think realized he was being inappropriate. We had gotten into a really unhealthy dynamic where my H thought yelling at me was normal & I would sit there and take it and think that was normal too. (I didn't realize it wasn't normal, until my C said I need to ask him to stop! which had never even occurred to me! ) I feel so much better about finally standing up for myself. It has ended the yelling, but even if it didn't I think I would feel better about the whole thing anyway & not like I am a powerless or whatever. Karen

[JAK58]

TAL,

I have to agree with Karen here.
You need to say something. This is abuse and should not be tolerated.

Hugs to you Tal it is so hard when you have little ones. Can family help? Maybe giving the Ultimatum is the only way to make him see what he is doing to you. But you would have to back up what you say if neccesary so, it cannot be an empty statement.


(((((((((TAL))))))))))


JAK

Posted back to you on my thread.