Okay, to make sure Chris got the last words on my last thead (its a man thing I guess ) I am starting my new one now.
I am going to try to find the right balance not just in my marriage but in my life.
I need to stop worrying so much about H's reactions to what I do. I just have to deal with them as they arise.
Five truths about fear: 1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow. 2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. 3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out and do it. 4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I'm on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else. 5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.
He has to take care of him and he wont have to if I keep doing all the taking care of him. I need to take care of me. I need to not deprive myself of things I want because I dont want to deal with his reactions.
I still need to figure out to handle some situations.
yesterday, he called me from work to discuss some finacial inforation. then he said I have to go I will call you back. I decided to look up more informaiton to what we were discussing on the net.
He called me on my cell phone all mad, saying I dont know what message you are tyring to send me here but it really dosnt feel good.... I explained to him I was looking up more information for what we were discussing, I thought we were working on something together. He said, I told you I was calling back so you got on line? I said well thats why my cell phone is on. He just kept on at me and telling me to think about what kind of message I am sending him and how he is hurt and angry by it. So I just listend to him until he was done. I admit I felt pretty upset by what he was saying, but I just let it go, I explained, he chose to be upset rather then listen so its on him not me. then he started asking me what I found out and said to keep reading and he will call back in an hour. that worked out okay, he never apologized for the way he spoke to me and I guess he just feels he was speaking his feelings and wanted to be heard. Can I ask him to talk to me diferently? Or do I just accept that thats how he is and learn to detach from it.
Last night we had a great time and we went out to dinner and then bought a Christmas tree. We had a nice time just talking about things and things going on at work. Then on the way home he wanted to pull off into a field and act like teenagers. I said no. He got upset as usual started talking about how he isnt feeling so good about this rejection etc... I said I am on antibiotics and it makes my birthcontrol not work and I dont want to get pregnant so we need to wait till we get home and use a contraceptive. He was still upset going on and on. I thought well I already explained the situation so its up to him to get over it there isnt anything I can do further.
This behavior of his really bugs me. So what can I do here. Can I ask him to stop reacting that way? I think its just my problem, because I know it bothers me more then it should. Iam sure if our past wasnt the way it was then I would probably not be so bothered by it, however I just feel like he is sooo inconsiderate of my feelings in this area.
Its the way he reacts that makes me feel like he dosnt care about my feelings. Now is this just my problem to deal with? I consider his feelings of needing to feel loved and put my self second to that for a long time. Realizing how important sex is to making him feel secure and loved. So I guess I wish he would do the same because him not reacting like that would make me feel secure and loved. Can that be a need of mine that he could choose whether he wants to fill it or not? So I should just tell him how I feel and then let him decide what he wants to do?
Now on the other hand, should I be doing everything he talks to me about. He tells me how he feels. Then gets angry if I dont change after finding out how he feels. How do you handle situations like that? I mean there are somethings that I am not going to change, how do I handle it to where I do not hurt him in the process?
okay anyways.... I am changing my entire work out program to give myself some change in my routine. I am also going to start training for this summers triathalons. well except the swiming its too dang cold out! the girls are off for the next 2 weeks so I am going to plan some fun quality time for us. I am going to visit our health spa this weekend and think about joining when they have the specials next month! and maybe I can see if they have any opening to get maybe a part time job there. Also thinking If I cant manage to take a couple classes in the spring due to childcare problems then I will at least take 1 class online to just get my brain going again.
Last post this year to you.. Off to Mexico next week.
Communication can be a very difficult thing at times. I have found that the clearer I can make my self the better. If it means I have to look for feedback from my W then I do. I ask her right away if I think there is any possibility of us not understanding each other. At first it seemed abit tedious but I now find it rountine and has circumvented many misunderstandings.
I was expecting to hear about you reflections on that book . It may help you with some of the answers that you are looking for. It may also be a of value to your H in understanding why he feels the way he does.
My H asked me to not buy the book until next pay day, things are really tight right now. so I will buy the book in a week. I have been reading over what Theressa sent me from the book. she took notes from the entire book and sent me the section word for word on emotional needs. I printed it all out and H and I have both read it. We both found what we read to be enlightning. I think I do however need to read the book still. The 6 primary needs are right on and that makes a lot of sense.
We have been getting along very well. But we have been here before...
I have been feeling torn emotionally inside. I really miss that feeling of closeness and comfort I felt when I talked to OM. I just dont quite seem to have it with my H... I am sure thats my fault. I am not quite sure what to do about it, I guess time.... I feel distant. I talked to him somewhat about how I have been feeling. I have been feeling very emotional and on the verge of crying. He said he has felt the same sometimes. I didnt go into total detail of what I am feeling inside because I dont really understand it. I think its partly Holidays.
Its hard when we are getting a long well because then I can see whats missing in my feelings. I just dont feel a close connection with him and I guess thats from lack of trust over the past and the many "backslides" he has had since he has tried to change. I am scared it wont ever be right. He looks at me with such love and comfort in his eyes, and I wonder if I will ever be able to relax enough or just be able to feel that with him. I have never had it with him.
I think he has been drinking much more then I realized. He has been comming to bed late everynight, and I swear he seems to be drunk but I thought well he could just be really tired. Late last night I got up and saw him outside sitting in his car. when he came in he said he was smoking, but he was out there a really long time. I just know he is back to drinking everynight... I know this is not for me to concern myself with and its his problem, but it really contributes to me having trouble feeling close to him and trusting him.
H and I had some time to ourselves to talk. I told him I noticed he was slipping into some old destructive patterns. I didnt get specific because I didnt want him to feel I was intruding on HIS problems. He did say he knew and he was thinking about it. He mentioned that these things were all going to be part of his resolutions for the new year. I am getting really nervous because he has been getting very drunk everynight. He thinks I dont know. Its painfully obvious why a person that is suposed to be in recovery and is not, is not available to be in a relationship.
I also am starting to feel like its not all my fault I dont feel close and trust with him. I have worked on it, I have forced my self to take chances and open up and trust. He responds very understanding and wonderful and I am impressed... but later its thrown at me and used to hurt me... there fore I just cant get completely comfortable and I dont see how I am ever suposed to. Its too unstable unpredicatable.
My sil has Men are from mars... it was book she had to read for one of her classes so she is going to send it to me!!! yeah! I dont have to buy it.
Sue, I was wondering how you were doing. I haven't been on the boards for the past few days. I think Christmas Eve was the last time. Son was here and he, H, and I were spending a lot of time together. We had a great Christmas! Son left yesterday and daughter will be here on the 30th. Then we get to do a Christmas celebration all over again! It sounds like you and H are doing pretty well. I'm not sure that your H will ever be exactly as you want, ( probably none of our spouses ever are. )but if he keeps trying and you can live with what he is, it will be okay. I think the drinking is a big concern. He is not really going to be able change unless he quits. Do you think he is capable of quitting on his own if he wants? I think that some people are, and some aren't.
I'm glad that you're being so patient with H. That must be very difficult.
Hi Rayanne, good to hear from you. glad you had a nice time with H and S. And yet you still have new years with D comming.
we had a nice christmas. of course my H is staying up late everynight drinking. Christmas eve really got to me. He woke me up at midnight very very drunk I could hardly understand him. It was to set up the stockings and put Santas presents out. but it really hurt that that couldnt be a special time of getting everything ready for the kids instead it was painful. then he fell asleep and I was up boiling over til 3 am ... again... seems to be my latest pattern. he wakes me up all drunk when he comes to bed, I smell the cigaret smoke and hard liquor on him, he falls asleep and I am awake until 3 am thinking if this is really enough for me for the rest of my life.
Is the relationship I want, just imposible to have with this man. I dont want to accept this situation... Then I wonder whats the right thing to do, accept him faults and all like I would anyone or is this just shorting my self too much? I guess its all a matter of what you are capable of handling... but I have already proven I am capable of handling so much more... so now what, because I have lived through extreme circumstances I now should accept what I have because I can handle it if I choose to? I dont know.
last night I was sitting and writing my thoughts and feelings down and my plans for this year. he walked in and looked at the screen like he always does. I covered it and said quit being nosey, but I said it in a light hearted way with a smile and minimized the screen. Honestly I just want my privacy and I dont want him violating my space and thoughts. I dont mind sharing myself with him, but some thoughts I dont think do us any good, like me planning to leave if he dosnt get his act together... it just puts pressure on him that makes it impossible for him to relax and concentrate on his goals, if he really has any. I am so sick of hearing what he claims and watching him do another, like people who join a gym in January and stick to it the first 2 or 3 weeks at best then go back to their old ways.
I want permanent changes! do I want too much?
I was watching my s and bil this weekend. they both had counseling before getting married and he is a counselor/social worker... anyways in watching them interact trying to get an idea of what to expect from a healthy marriage... I dont know, I mean yeah they get upset with each other over dumb stuff that my H and I dont even get upset over but what I noticed is their disputes are not disrespectful and end very quickly and they are loving to each other again, no dwelling and BS.
at my last session I was talking to my counselor about my relationship. and he said well basically what you are saying is as long as he is nice to you you will stay? you know that to me is our relationship going well, him being nice to me. but even during that time so much is lacking... will it ever be more? I mean I feel like its going to take time but eventually we can get somewhere and thats why I hang in here. but what if this is as good as it gets? this isnt enough.
anyways he is very upset with me today because of my behavior yesterday in not sharing what I had written down about my goals etc. because obviously it was something to another man I didnt want him to see and even if it wasnt if it really was what I said it was then its me building walls and leaving him on the outside and not sharing my thoughts and feelings with him. why am I not entitled to privacy??? he feels there is nothing wrong with him reading my mail etc... because there shouldnt be anything anyone else knows that he dosnt... I understand it I guess but we are not in that place and if we were I still dont feel its right that he thinks its okay to read my journal or mail.
I'm just going to jump right in here and throw in my two cents.
I think you mentioned that your H works as a guard in a prison. (I'm sorry if I'm getting the facts wrong - I haven't read all your posts). Is it possible that he would be less stressed out and therefore easier to live with if he changed his job. My somewhat limited experience with prisons and inmates (I'm a lawyer, not a former inmate...) makes me think that that's one of the all time high-stress jobs.
I know that changing jobs is not so easy. But the thought occurred to me and I wanted to ask you about it.
I hope you're OK and I wish you and your family a very, very happy new year!!! Jane
Hi Jane, yes he is a CO at a prison. and it is an extremely high stress job. He is a gunman and he is in charge of keeping the floor officers alive while watching 200 level 4 inmates. I know it gets to him especially with all the BS going on in the California prisons right now. Administration is doing their best to look good to the public by not letting the officers do their jobs. Its gotten to the point that officers are going to be killed, and are being injured continuosly. with stupid things some officers were discoverd doing at other prisons suddenly everyone is paying for it. recently an officer got written up for picking up the mini14 and putting the yard down when some inmates ran into the saliport and jumped an officer. The situation was brought under control, that officer got written up! its rediculous they expect you to just not even pick up your weapons no matter what. officers have been getting hurt left and right and they know there are inmate hits out on officers but admin sits in their offices not knowing anything of how to run a program and tells the officers they cant do anything or they can lose their jobs etc. they are out to fire anyone they can. My H works in a place where not only the inmates, but the people you work for, are out to get you and he hates it.
I talked to him about getting a hold of the congressman, senator, director and Governor to do something about this. He said many grievances have been filed but no one is doing anything. I told him lets try again going straight to the Governor and if we still get no results lets take it to the media. they really are not allowed to go to the media though....
okay so anyways.. yes I was thinking the same thing. he and I talked about it recently about how he can get out of that job. the thing is, he makes good money and he really couldnt go anywhere else and get the same pay with his education. with over time he is able to make in the upper 80's a year. I have been wanting to go back to work and find something that could suport us while he went back to school and trained for something diferent. for now we are stuck.
then I was wondering well am I just looking for more excuses? I mean, I thought things would be fine once he quit drinking. that really didnt end our problems, because his problems were the reason for the drinking. Many of his problems are what cause us trouble, his insecurity, jealousy, mistrust and suspiciousness, and his anger problem... he dosnt really know how to manage it very well and he dwells on things forever and lets nothing go ever! ugh! so will a change of job make a diference? I dont know, it seems like whenever he trys to make himself happy it turns out to not work there is always something. I change everything he complains about (except get rid of my computer) and he just finds something else to complain about.
right now I am planning to learn Excell, PowerPoint, Word and Access, so I can get a job soon. I have management experience in retail but that really dosnt pay well enough to suport a family of 5. so hopefully I can get something in computers that would pay enough. I didnt finish my degree but I was an econ major.
I do think it would make him easier to live with. he has had this job 9 years. previous to that, he worked 5 years as armed patrolman for security company. he was still a pain in the derierre LOL... but I think maybe we have grown some since then and definitly a change in job would really help. But he has friends in the same job, and various facets of law enforcement and they dont seem to be as stressed as he is. so it makes me wonder.
thanks so much Jane for your 2 cents
I hope you are happy and well this New Years. take care Sue
) I am starting my new one now.
