I do understand the whole sex with him. You have explained it to me when I had that thread in "sexual issues" and in a Womans Guide..... and Chris explained it to me as well. For the last 8 months I have been avoiding turning him down. in the begining it was to avoid fighting. after you and Chris explained it, I changed my attitude and didnt reject him as an attempt to make him feel loved and secure. He wanted it 6x a day every day! Tempest suggested being more agressive and intiate more over sex him to make him want to cut down. that worked. we have cut down to 3x a day.
I realize my bagage, and I know its MY problem, and when he wouldnt quit having sex because I didnt feel comfortable with it then I decided well its up to me to work through this with out stopping. So I acted as if. That helped but I did however end up angry that he wasnt caring of me enough to listen that hey it really hurt me emotionaly and he still wasnt willing to go with out for a while for me to work through my pain. When I did feel that anger growing I started telling myself, it was your choice to go ahead and handle it that way. So I think I have let go of that anger, it dosnt do any good to be mad about it now we are past that stage. I realize I havent let go of it completely because when he is inconsiderate of my feelings, I get mad that it feels like its always me working through things and sacraficing my needs and feelings because he is unwilling to. So I know I get more angry because of it and I try to remind my self of the why of my feelings, in an attempt to control my feelings.
I was talking to my therapist last Tues night about this. He said that much sex every day for that many months and he still is insecure??? the way my H is so "creative" all the time etc., my counselor said it dosnt sound very pationate and loving it sounds more like a sex addiction.
Last week when he blew up at me and gave me hell for a couple days, I decided thats it, I am so tired of doing everything he says will make him feel loved, because everything he complains about I work hard to make that change and he just finds somehting else to bitch at me about, and I think he always will. He puts me responsible for his happiness. He told me I am the dictator of his happiness. Thats BS. and if I keep not considering myself and keep taking care of everything he wants with no reciprocation, resentment is going to grow, becuase I have to work hard at not letting it.
Yesterday morning when he wanted that quickie. I didnt want to have sex or anything to do with it. Yes he did hurt me and I did not want to connect with him in that way. Why? 1 I was sick, have bad sore throat, head and chest congestion, my back ached from all the work I have been doing and I have a bladder infection and all the fun that goes with it.
2 he had just woke up not even got out of bed yet, and wreeked of alcohol. He knew how sick I was and how I was feeling.
3 I was very unhappy with him and just wanted away from him. I did offer to spend time together just not having sex. we could have just cuddled together, but I really didnt want to smell him anyways.
I decided, I didnt want to do anything with him and I put myself first for once. Putting him first for months hasnt got me far I dont think. I think I have a spoiled brat.
what I didnt consider, what you mentioned, was him wanting to connect with me after all that transpired.
I did however ended up having sex with him later on in the day after he was showerd and a few hours after the disagreement.
I told him last week after all the drama, that I am putting more energy into my own needs because taking care of him and getting no where is wearing me down. of course right away he asked if I was still going to be faithful, first thoughts of his are always about him!
I did talk to him about how about just cuddling and hugging instead. he says well we do that at night as we fall asleep.
I was thinking about how the more one partner does the less the other does. we seem to have an extreme imbalance. It seems we both do all the thinking about him and his needs.
about the other thoughts. No I just dont get out! I want to and when I talk about doing things and getting involved with things, he gets upset and worries about it interferring with my responsiblities at home to the family. I am involved with the girls drill team and they needed to earn money so I got involved with planning fundraising and my H brought up the responsibilties etc. At first I was mad but I could see his point.
My closest friends and family all live far away.
However I am planning on going back to school soon, I think that would be good for me. I was an econ major before and loved it but really dont want to go back to the business world. I am thinking more in a field where I can help people.
I do feel like I spend too much time working on my marriage. I think its because I just want to know if its going to work or not so I can get out if its not. I am tired of being frustrated with him. When I take care of me and the kids. remember when you said to me a while back to give my love to my kids and friends who can reciprocate.... well I guess I have to go back to that. Okay I didnt say that well but I think you know what I mean.
He was complaining I wasnt working on the marriage and just working on me.... and neglecting him. I didnt neglect him just wasnt going out of my way as much as I was.
Sue
Oh my gosh! I forgot today is my Birthday, I just got a card from a friend. ahhhh I am 31 today!
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited 12-14-1999).]
Sue, you know it's impossible for me to keep up with all the details in everyone's life on this board. IF I did, I'd be out of work and divorced myself! Although I know a lot about you, I must admit that I didn't know how much sex your husband wants each day. I would have to agree with your therapist's assessment of the situation in that case. And, since you explained how you were feeling in more detail, I really can understand your reaction when he wanted sex that morning.
So what to do. I like your new strategy. YOu need to put your energy into you children, people who love you and into getting yourself involved outside your home. I think that will be your salvation. I think you will be able to see yourself and your marriage more clearly when you are in contact with others. I know the people on this board help you a lot and that is wonderful, but they aren't a substitution for real live friends and/or co-workers and enjoyable activities that you are depriving yourself of right now. Yes, you have responsibilities at home and I'm not suggesting you neglect your children, by any means, but you need to replenish yourself. Stop trying to convince your husband you are a good person (I know this is old news). YOu are a good person. Go take better care of yourself. If he loves you, he will want you to be happy too.
If you're worried about being away from the kids, do some activities with other adults who have children. Just GET OUT OF YOUR ROUTINE!
Happy birthday again. Hope you are happy today. Michele
Michele, thanks so much for your help and time. I dont know how you give the time to this board you do but I know its extremely apreciated.
I was thinking alot about how my life is so routine and I have deprived myself of so many things I really miss, in an effort to "fix" problems so life can be good. In doing that I am putting myself back in my old place of taking care of everyone but me again. I have been getting my emotional needs met here at this board. when I can give to others and actually help them it feels so good to me, and thats why I was thinking of going back to school to do something in a field where I help people rather then back into business.
I was thinking about what I have read about depression. How stay at home moms are high risk for it because they dont have other areas in their lives to counter the areas they are having problems. this is where I really need to practice more balance. If I have other areas to excell in perhaps I wont be as affected by problems with my H. I noticed I spend pretty much all my time reading and trying to figure out how to fix problems either with my kids or my H. I havent painted, or gone bike riding, or skating for a while. I used to go for runs and when I would get back my H would be going nuts with the kids so I got a treadmill so I could run at home. I find too many solutions I think. Sometimes its just not going to have to be me changing what I do to make everyone else happy.
I was worried about going back to school or work because H is so worried about me meeting someone. I was hoping to get him feeling more secure so I wouldnt have to go through all his drama when the time comes. As it is I hear about everytime I as much as talk about it. I have learned a lot of tools and I guess I just will handle those situations when they arise.
Where I have a hard time is he thinks once I know how he feels about something then I should comply and if I dont it means I dont love him. He says he does want me to go back to school etc. but he is very insecure about it and I should know why and thats what I did. Boy for someone who dosnt want his past thrown at him he sure does a lot of bringing mine up. Thats what bugs me! the double standards! grrr. okay well I just dont have much to add. I am going to definitly spend more time taking care of me and putting my energy into me at least whats left over after the kids, cant help that, hey they are part of me I think its time to go over my goals again and make some changes. Like I tell so many here, their spouses journey is theirs, focus on your own.
Sue
Yes Chris I will get that book as soon as I can, I promise!!! I was thinking the same thing as well.
sue, I am glad you are going to put more into yourself. That's wondeful. I really mean it. I want to add one thing about your post.
Stay-at-home moms might get depressed not because they don't have things to distract them from their problems at home, but because we all have to be happy as individuals in order to have happy marriages. Some women feel completely fulfilled being home with their families, and that's fantastic, because in an ideal world, kids do best with their parents.
However, some women don't feel fulfilled and they expect their husbands to make them happy. Ha! It doesn't work that way. YOu have to love what you do and then want to share your life with your partner. Your partner can't BE your life because your partner has his own life and his own needs. Too many people have unrealistic expectations about marriage. I love my husband to death, but if I didn't have the kids, my work, my family, friends and some hobbies,I wouldn't be fulfilled. He can't do that for me. I love being with him, but he can't fill my cup completely. I have to do that myself.
I'm not saying that you are expecting too much from your husband...but I am saying that you need to make you happy. don't let the kids get lost in the process, but Sue is responsible for Sue. I know you know this, I am just seconding the motion. Take care, Michele
Michele, THANK YOU! I know you hear that a lot here, and I sure wish there was words that expressed more then that. It feels good to know I am on the right track because I second guess my self so much.
I was thinking about everything. I was feeling better when I was taking time for myself. I had added Tae Bo to my regular work out for some change, and I took up painting for a completely diferent hobby. My H's blow ups didnt bother me as much. Now I am so focussed on him tyring to "fix" his insecurity problem I do get affected by his blow ups more easily. I just felt like his insecurity is my fault.
Here I have been encouraging my H to go ahead and do all his things he does so he can see what a diference it makes in his life and let me have a life. But I should be the one letting me have a life. Even though I kept trying to explain to him your happiness has to come from within, and I am not responsible for making you happy. I still somehow did end up taking it on me. I was doing everything I could to make him feel better about himself and the marriage so he would let me be and instead I quit doing my things and was way too focussed on him and thereby getting frustrated when I couldnt do what I knew I couldnt do, I cant "make" him happy. Well obviously I didnt learn that lesson well enough the first time around hopefully I got it down this time.
I feel better and a huge weight lifted just knowing I am making this change and putting my focus back where I do have control and thats me.
I am going to listent to the Fire your shrink tapes again.
When I told my counselor I was trying to help my H with his insecurity and I am kind of looking at it like a project. He told me as long as you dont stop doing the things that are important to you thats okay.
I do find being a stay at home mom fulfilling but I am naturally an active person and need to get out of the house way more then I do. hey a need!
Chris, I am going to get that book today for sure. there is a bookstore next door to my counselor and I have a session tonight.
Theressa has been sending me information from that book. she just sent me the section on emotional needs.
thanks again for all your suport, advice, male insights, and keeping me looking forward whenever I started to look back too long.
yes I know Ineed to start a new thread because this one is soooo long! one of my new goals is going to be much shorter posts!!! I go back and read over my threads and I feel like saying shut up already to MY posts anyways I dont know what exactly my new thread will be because I have done a lot of thinking lately and am need for some time to just digest and get my plan together.
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