So, all, H is coming over tonight. I solicited it. Our mailbox was knocked down last night so I told him that and we need to decide about whether we are selling our house (as background, we had been planning on selling our house before we separated in July. We are having a hard time affording it and we never really wanted to live there anyway --my MIL sort of pushed us into it) While this is a horrible market to sell a house in, it has also been killing me living there with all his stuff in our house.
Of course, selling the house will put out there the possibility of our next steps. Will we get our own separate apartments? Get one together? It seems pretty obvious to me that we would get our own separate apartments considering no progress has been made between us. I imagine at that point, we would separate our finances as well. Then what? Do we talk divorce?
Any suggestions on how to transition from house talk to "where do we stand in your mind" talk?
I know we aren't supposed to talk OR...but it is a little different in our situation because of selling the house and how that will literally cause us to go in separate directions. But, I truly believe selling the house will be better for us financially and for GAL on my own w/o husband (for the first time, saying that, I feel horrible about selling the house b/c it really means moving away from my marriage)
UGH! Moving away from my marriage?! What am I supposed to do? I want to be married but we can't afford our house w/ H's salary! And we never really cared for our house and wanted to move somewhere else, but now that we aren't together "we" are going to be doing anything!
I've been so ready to move on, but now...I'm Not!
Any expect advice here, other examples of how I can make the conversation go, I would really, really appreciate it.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
Well, DB says to expect nothing, so perhaps it would be best to move on as if you were on your own. Let him take the lead in the conversation, maybe ask if he's been looking around at apartments. I think if you give him a reason to think that you want to move in together, he might panic and run. Avoid "we" talk. Like, don't say, "Where should we start looking?"
For my own H, we have been seperated for 6 weeks, and we divided our finances a month ago. He still hasn't done any paperwork AT ALL for divorce, we haven't met with a mediator or anything. So just because you seperate finances, that doeasn't necessarily mean divorce is next on the agenda. If anything, it helps because it makes him more accountable for himself and gives you less reason to contact him, so it helps you "go dark" more.
Have you thought about possibly renting out your house? You would have the income, plus it gives you the option of moving back in if and when your H decides to come back.
*dated at age 12- 15 (me) and age 13-16 (him) *reunited at age 19 (me) and age 20 (him) *me 23, H 25 *married 3 1/2 years, 1 d *dropped ILYBINILWY bomb on 12/19/07 *moved out same day, PA with OW confirmed
Any suggestions on how to transition from house talk to "where do we stand in your mind" talk?
So I would stick to house conversation, and as DA says, see how it goes. In terms of the house conversation itself, I would keep it light. Perhaps just go with the reasons about how you guys were never too keen on it anyway, and how you'd been planning to seel before in any case. I think any mention of the financial impact of H not being around would count as pressure, so I would avoid that if it's possible......
You could mention that you've been thinking about what kind of appt you'd like to live in and then leave things hanging. He then has an opening to say something about his plans. If he doesn't, you have DBed well and demonstrated your independence. And maybe depending how he answers, you will gain some insight into what is in his mind (decision, or ongoing confusion)......
Originally Posted By: Beth 83
UGH! Moving away from my marriage?! What am I supposed to do? I want to be married but we can't afford our house w/ H's salary!
I like the renting suggestion from DA- any possibilities there? IMHO, I think that selling the house does NOT have to mean you are moving away from the marriage. You're doing what's responsible and mature, and looking after your best interests, and H's, since you own the house together and staying is financially tough.
Lots of the WAS on the boards leave and rent their own appt. It's a step on the journey, and could even be a jolt to get him thinking about what he is losing- lovely smart Beth!
Lisa just gave you such good advice, I don't really have anything to add, except yes yes, keep it light & don't push it into a big OR talk. Also sometimes I think when we are in this kind of situation everything seems very black and white and it is hard to create different options for ourselves which can take the pressure off. I'm not sure if this would be appropriate under the circumstances, but maybe with H you could brainstorm all the different things you could do with the house, just come up with as many possible solutions together without any attachment to any of them.
Oh! For example. Could you rent out *part* of your house on a month-to-month basis to take off the financial pressure, without pressuring yourself to move? So you do not have to solve the financial problem and the where-do-I-live-problem at the and the what-is-going-on-with-my-R-with-my-h problem all at the same time? Like rent out the basement, or one room? Maybe to a professional lady who worked all the time and basically would only sleep there and take showers? Or do any of your girlfriends want to be your roommate?
I think it will help a lot to try to seperate these problems out from each other.... the less interconnected they are the easier they will be to solve.
The house is a big symbol of your marriage, but it isn't your marriage. Maybe you can think about letting go of your house as letting go of the stuff in your marriage you DON'T want anymore so you can make new room in your life for a house that you DO want and a marriage that you DO want with your H!
Personally, I find moving extremely emotional and traumatizing under the best of circumstances... so I know it's really stressful even to have to be thinking about this!!
Meeting w/ H went well. I actually had a great session w/ my counselor beforehand. She validated my feelings and said that she thinks it is good for me to get my own place before i start thinking about filing for divorce (if H doesn't initiate it first). She thinks that way I'm on solid ground, for myself, rather than shaking ground. That is exactly how I feel.
Night was good. We went to dinner and went to a movie. Talked about selling the house and our steps. No other talk about OR.
One thing: H had on his wedding ring. I haven't been wearing mine since September. This is a thing that was very important to me. Throughout H affair, I know he took it on and off and I had called it out to him. It was a big thing after I found out about the affair that he kept it on when we were going to counseling in July and August. But after we stopped going to counseling and I found out H was still w/ OW, lying to me and our counselor about not seeing her, I stopped wearing my ring. This was a big step for me because it was a step of me acknowledging our committment had been broken and the ring wasn't meant to be put on and off at a whim. If we are to recommit, I will put it back on, but I'm not going to just put it back on when I see him.
I know that the ring this is very different for most. But, this was what it meant to me and what I felt was important. Before the meeting today, I did (for a minute) think about putting it on for our meeting, but remembered why I took it off in the first place--because the commitment was broken. To be completely honest, him wearing his just shows to me that he is still so confused (no way is he wearing it w/ OW. I bet he put it on when he is with his parents and takes it off with her). The ring is not a joke to me. I think it is a bold statement for him to see me have it off b/c he knows how committed I am and that I don't take this lightly and for me to have it off means that I'm taking this all very seriously. Needless to say, there is a part of me that thinks I should be wearing it all the time right now (out of guilt). But, as my C says, I have nothing to be guilty about. It is a symbol of our committment (and I've said, if we recommit, I want some sort of symbolism again).
I may just change my mind on this next time I see him, but it felt good not having it on (I hold the power of myself and what I mean to me)
Regardless of all that, it was a really good night and I felt good.
Will talk more tomorrow.
H & I, both 32, together since 18. *M 7/03, A since 9/06. Bomb 7/07, H ended it w/ OW 9/08 * Agreed to D 6/09...very hard *D 8/10 * At peace, have become great friends w/ X-H and his new GF
I read your story really quickly this morning. I am so glad to hear things went well!! Dinner and a movie??!! OMG I am SooooOOOOO jealous....!!!! Sounds like you DB'ed like a QUEEN!! I'm glad your counselor has been so helpful & validating. I really like all your thoughts about guilt vs. truly renewing the commitment. You have a lot of insight into your own feelings and motivations.
I'll have to go back further into your sitch but your words of boundaries has me intrigued. I sense that our personalities may be very similar in terms of not standing up for ourselves. I might be off base here but I'm at work so I'm peeking at this site.
Or do any of your girlfriends want to be your roommate?