This is really hard isn't it. It is almost like some eternal power is testing you to see if you are strong enough. Wec had a great weekend but it seems like she is pushing all my button to get me mad so I move out. I am not moving out, I would miss the kids way to much and this is her issue thoguth I own it. If she needs space there is plenty of it out there in the world.
MM, I hate to recommend this guy, but you may find it useful (I have to an extent). This guys basic ideas seem good to me. The so called science he uses is bogus. Take a look at the free reports and the free daily email and see if you find anything useful in it. Maybe we can discuss what's good and what's bogus in it.
Tree, Be careful. I didn't buy this guys book. One of his emails really pissed me off, but... I do like some of his ideas. I think MM is right, a lot of it is the same concepts, just spun differently. Maybe easier to stomach or understand than DB. Basically, It's about GALing. Being that strong, healthy person you should be, for yourself, and the attraction follows from that.
MM and Tree, let me know what you think of it. I've seen some threads where the guys really like it.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
OK, MM, everything looks good, she talks, she accepts dates, she can say ILY, but... 1. You say it's the hardest thing you've done. It still is really, really hard, isn't it? Makes you wonder how some fight through this when their W is having an A, still in the house, treating them badly. I'm lucky too. I'm just saying we're lucky, but it still hurts like hell. Still have to go through the process, and follow the basic strategy. 2. You've got me curious. You don't have to respond to this part, but what was wrong with your M? It sounds like you two are getting along well. What's the story? I'll re-read your first post, but I don't remember any "issues". -- #2 is why I recommended that email/website.That guy talks about how you can still be in love, but have lost the attraction. He says he can show you how to get the attraction back. Is that your issue? Still in love, but not "in love", she's not attracted anymore?
My W, when she came back, felt very self conscious (never know how to spell that word) about what friends and family think. She finally came to the conclusion that it didn't matter. She'd have to face it, and she decided to look them right in the eye and push on. But then again, my W is very introverted and has very few friends. :-)
By the way, I love sushi. I moved downtown and am a block and a half walk to a very nice sushi place. It makes it easier to be separated when you enjoy the things around you.
to earn my keep, I feel I have to add advice, but it's the same as always: this will take longer than you think or want it to. About the time you get relaxed and used to being without her, and start to enjoy it, then she'll want back :-)
enjoy the sushi.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
-I had an affair 12 years ago. -We never discussed it from that day on; I was too ashamed to look at or discuss the reasons it happened. -She built up incremental resentment over those 12 years. Day by day. -She was unhappy, and every now & then she would say so, but I brushed it off. -Eventually, every little thing I did which made her question my devotion became a fact in her mind. -I was unaware of how bad it was for her. -She had enough and told me she couldn't take it another day.
That's it, in a nutshell.
Now, put this together with the fact that I met her at 16, I was her first and only lover, and she has never, ever done one thing in her life under her own steam. That's why I understand why she is at a crisis point, and this is really so much about her. I just provided the fuel for her justification, though what I did was horrible and almost unforgivable.
We still love each other. We still LIKE each other. Over the past couple of weeks her tone has softened...she has lost the defensive edge. I really need to let her be and hope she finds her way back to me.
Her best friend, who I don't know that well (single, kind of a bar-hopper) tells her she is crazy and tells her she is in MY corner, not W's.
Her mentor and business coach tells her the best thing in her life is probably right under her nose.
But she has the strength to stick to what she has started, and she said she is deathly afraid of making the wrong choice. She is adamant that this time alone, with no TV, no outside influences, and limited interaction with others, is what will allow her the clarity of mind to make her choice about what the last 1/3 of her life is going to look like.
I can't push, I can only let her know that I am here, waiting on 3rd base, to be waved in.
We cancelled the sushi...she really wants to start hitting the gym and Wed is my only night off of my GAL plan. We will do lunch one day this week instead.
I know that there are a ton of positives in my sitch...and I honestly do weep when I read some other folks' sitches here. because I feel what they are going through. Doesn't matter how bad your sitch is, it is yours and it hurts the same for everyone. The most important thing in your life has just been snatched away.
So that's why we are all here...because misery loves company, and we are the only ones that really understand each other.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
and boy am I miserable. Mink, your doing all the right things. I am having great difficulty back sliding. I'll get better. Boy, I can still taste that kiss from this morn and feel the hug. Time to put it in storage. Have a great day.
I have decided to change things up. I am ticked off with her having all of the power in this dance. A couple of interactions this morning, and things she said this past weekend made me realize this.
And I am certain that she has gotten used to it.
I will start to take some of my power back.
-I am going to start showing my confidence up front -I am going to stop telling her my feelings -I am going to keep quiet about my changes -I am going to hint that it's going to take both of us (not just her) agreeing to get back together, if that's where we end up -I am going to stop calling her as often
This is all being done under the umbrella of "doing a 180".
I'm pissed off....at her, for doing this to us, and at myself, for hanging up my balls, just to appease her and hope that she comes back to poor, snivelling me! No more!
Nothing nasty here, I'm just taking back what's mine. My confidence and my dignity.
I'll let you know how it goes!
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
Mink, I think you have the right attitude, and I'm guessing that is something your W hasn't seen in you for a long time. A great 180 right there. Women love men of strong confidence and that is what you need to portrait - A guy who doesn't need her or anyone else to make themselves happy. That is attraction!
