On my last post, I was feeling insecure and a little unstable. I kept initiating conversations with H, which kept making me feel worse.
This week, i went to my own C, who helped me to focus on me.
I also went to H's C who was also very helpful. I had told her about my backslides and the insecurities I had been feeling. She said that she understood why I felt that way, and that most people still wouldn't be in this M after what happened. However, she said that neither H nor I can live this way (me snooping, askign probing questions all the time, etc...). she suggested that the next time I"m feeling uncomfortable to say to H, "I'm feeling uneasy. Can you give me a hug". I am going to try that.
As for H, she said that he is not all that engaged in the therapy. He comes in and says, "okay, what are we talking about today". She is trying to pull at his emotions. She is trying to show him empathy...putting himself in my shoes.
I told her I was afraid that OW would call him and he would get sucked back in, like a drug addict. She said she didn't think that was going to happen. She said that from what she can tell, he is completely committed to the M and the family. But her concern is that he just wants to sweep what happened under the rug. So she is working on that with him.
She also said, after talking to me, that she thinks that H may be a little ADHD. She sees his constant need for stimulation and how easily he gets bored and tunes out.
Some other thing we talked about... she is concerned about the R he had with his mother. She doesn't think his mother held him accountable for anything, since she was afraid that he would go live with his dad (which is waht his brother had done). So, she is trying to work on that as well. The problem with H is that he is unwilling to think badly about anybody in his family. So this is going to be a tough nut to crack.
Hmmm.... what else... when I told her about how much more engaged H has been at home, and how we had been better at resolving conflict, she was reallly pleased. She said that it did seem like we were making progress.
Now... onto the rest of my week. H had gone away Tuesday night, which was a good thing. Sometimes when I'm feeling icky, him going away is just what the doctor ordered. Since he's been home, we've been in a much better groove.
In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I am really exploring my spirituality... what I believe, what I don't... and how to lean on God. I've always had a faith in God, and more recently it's gotten a lot stronger. But for some reason, I'm really digging in and exploring my beliefs even more.
Plugging along... day by day...
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Hi PS, You have certainly taken proactive steps to combat the anxiety. At this point, all you can do is solidify the person you want to be ( which is a lot to do!), while H has to do his part. And he is getting there...it is slow, but it's in the right direction.
I am not surprised that you find yourself on a soul search. Being immersed in MLC, with our spouse's disconnection and loss of purpose, is very disconcerting. I've had to " up" my faith in a higher order so as not to get pulled down. Part of the reason I went to Israel was to connect with a history of faith and culture; visiting and witnessing so many believers, whether Jewish, Muslim or Christian, was really enriching for me.
She also said, after talking to me, that she thinks that H may be a little ADHD. She sees his constant need for stimulation and how easily he gets bored and tunes out.
You know, this really hit me--aren't we all getting to be this way? Is ADHD really an epidemic, or is it more a symptom of a larger societal ill? In many ways, aren't we all a bunch of spoiled, impatient, unaccountable children who expect constant entertainment and life on a silver platter? Think road rage, fast food/rising weight problems, housing loan crisis, skyrocketing credit card debt...
Sorry, not to run off on a tangent. But it would somehow account for the increasing number of people who just can't seem to understand "for better or for worse" and run off with other people at the first sign of rough waters. I like to think of answers that tie the reasons why up in a neat little bow.
I'm glad that you got some insight and direction from your sessions with the Cs, and I love the suggestion for turning your anxiety into safe communication with your H.
I'm with you on the soul searching stuff. Keep at it, and you'll find the peace you're looking for.
She also said, after talking to me, that she thinks that H may be a little ADHD. She sees his constant need for stimulation and how easily he gets bored and tunes out.
My H has ADHD and I know that his condition played a big role in the demise of my M, him not knowing how it affected him, me not understanding and doing the wrong things. If he is ADHD it needs to be addressed. ADHD people can't take stressful stiches, panic easily when things go wrong, have bouts of anger and a min later are as fine as pie, do push your buttons so "something" can happen, (anger releases a feel good chemical in their brains, hence their need to start an argument). Bad with their money. Forget mostly everything, where they put things, what they said. They are also prone to be crass, they don't really think things before they speak and hence don't have many friends. Is this your H? many people benefit from meds, in fact, some can't function properly without them. I hope you are able to figure that if indeed he is ADHD, it would account for a lot of his irrational behavior.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
RJ, Cat, Aud and Jak, Thanks for your amazing support, as always.
Things have been going well. H and I have been really connected. He went to his C the other night. I waited a few days before asking him how it went. He said, "good. C says I seem happy". I simply said, "well, that's what we all strive for". Then I changed the subject. I didn't want him to feel that I was invading his privacy.
So for the last week or so, I've been feeling really good about things. I only checked the cell phone once in the last several weeks. I'm trying to lay off H and it seems to be the right thing to do.
Staying the course.
Cat, as for the ADHD, some of the symptoms you list are my H. He is very easily distraced. Seems to look for external stimuli. I'm going to let his C drive that process. Although H isn't going back to her until mid-Feb.
The next few weeks H is traveling a lot. And that's fine with me. I think the space is good for us.
Still doing the sould searching thing with regard to my faith. I suppose this is a work in progress, too.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
glad to hear things are going smoothly for you hon, about your faith, God said you will find Him when you seek him with all your heart, will keep you in my prayers))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
MRS, Thanks for checking in on me. I'm doing well. H and are doing well. H seems to be happy now. I think he is finally really happy being at home. We are connecting. Trying to enjoy each other, but still take space.
That said, I still have difficult periods where I get really down on all that happened. And I still get suspicious and question him. these are hard behaviors for me to overcome, but it's a work in progress every day. This M is a work in progress every day.
So, for now...we are doing well. But I have to expect more bumps in the road... and potentially some mountains in the road.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
