Sue, if your H had gotten to your BILs house that night, would you have had sex with him? He is amazingly hurtful and lashing out his own pain onto you and D3. You don't deserve it. I am thankful you had your feminine issues last night because I fear you would have had sex with H, when 24 hours before, he said the cruelest things to you. This *might* be H's love language (sex), but right now, he doesn't deserve for you to meet his needs anyway.
I think more importantly than filling out the papers is to remove yourself from your H, or ask him to leave.
Have you been to Al-Anon? My sil is trying to encourage me to go. (She and my brother are also sober alcoholics too.) My H is a sober alcoholic, but even though he is sober he has had a long string of addictions ever since he was sober and his affair now seems like an addiction to me. He has to either be with her, calling her, or texting her constantly. I was thinking about going to try it out just one time. I don't know if it would be helpful though with a spouse addicted to an OW!!!Karen43
You helped me a long time ago when I was in a place you are now. Yours isn't bad as yet but still the verbal tongue lashing when feeling stronger with a drink is happening.
No one can tell you when or what to do cause you know in your heart when you had enough. But remember your daughter is watching and they learn how relationships are by example and they learn to pick out the same man to treat them the same way. Before 6 is formative years, and let me say that is true.
I wanted to say how much I appreciated your advice before. You were in a different place with your husband promising not to drink. His excuse now seems to be with the ow allowing this behavior and as mine always said "accept me the way I am" but you have to think if this way is the only way. An alcoholic will always think of a way to justify their drinking. When it involves others its not good.
imagine if they did get together and the ow's husband didn't want their children around a alcoholic man? That in itself will cause strife in their relationship. What about if his drinking would involve driving while drinking with your daughter? Many things that passed through my mind. I am still fixed on not letting him drive our son cause he still drinks. And no I am not with him.
Remember accepting his behavior to him makes you look weak. Mine never considered me strong till he left and I didn't beg him back. It wasn't till he realized I didn't break without him that he found out what he lost. He has cried many times but hasn't changed his drinking habits. He has many other issues then just the drinking. Its in his psycho. A drunk will blame all others before himself. They will focus only on themselves.
I have a ringtone on my phone when he calls to remind me. Not sure if its good or not but it goes like this..."Hey man, if your phone wasn't ringing I wouldn't be so drunk....blahhhhhhhh" It reminds me how it was never about me but him and how he would blame everything or anything including me why he is the way he is.
sue, have you ever been to an alanon meeting? its something I've been thinking about suggesting to you if you haven't. you might want to check in your area and see what is available. its for families/loved ones of alcoholics.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Thanks so much for all the support. The first thing that came to my mind when H tried to initiate sex last night was all the awful things he said less than 24 hours before. Then, when he got angry with me for denying him, it even pushed things further into the front of my mind. Obviously it was not something he wanted to do out of love or to bring us closer. If it were, he would have told me that he understood or been more considerate.
I don't have much time to respond to everyone right now, but I wanted to say that H has called twice today. He called this morning to apologize for his words and actions on Saturday night. He said, Sue, I shouldn't have yelled at you and said those things and I didn't mean it. Then he called just a few minutes ago to tell me that he took dinner out for me.
Not sure what's going through his mind. Maybe he realizes that I'm ready to walk, ready to let go and he doesn't want to lose the cozy set up he has. That would be my first thought. When we talked this morning, I did thank him for the apology, but told him that I had been thinking about talking to him about all of that tonight and about other things that need to be talked about. He said okay. So, we'll see if the talk happens.
I'll let you all know.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
