Went to gym this morning. h works at the gym but didn't arrive till just as I was leaving. I didn't see him arrive and walked out without looking for him (just didn't want to deal with drama).
He calls me about an hour later while I'm getting d ready for school and me ready for work.
Accuses me of having a boyfriend. this is because my (female) friend who I am training with has a male flatmate who was doing his own thing at the gym. I only met him yesterday and he is GAY GAY GAY. Like if you saw him walk more than 10 feet or heard him talk you would know he was gay. Anyway h saw me leaving with my friend and her friend and assumed the worst. I don't think he fully believed me when I said I didn't have a boyfriend. I got him to talk to d. h asked d if mummy has a boyfriend.
Not happy Jan. Decided to try adn let it go because I had to ask d what daddy said to warrant her odd 'wtf?' expression when he asked her. I snooped ...bad me.
He rings me when I am at work about three hours later and tells me that he missed me and would like to come watch me play water polo that night and then hopefully stay over.
???
I said..."I don't think so"
[background if you need it. He has a girlfriend.]
He said he misses me and wants to cuddle me and wants to reconnect etc etc.
I pointed out that he has a girlfriend. I am working on myself with a counsellor and have no time for any relationship with anyone but myself - not that I would want one. When asked I told him I didn't see a future for us based on the current situation (ie him being angry with me, him having a girlfriend etc).
Anyways. Tonight he rings once I got home from water polo and said he needed to tell me something and that I wouldn't be happy about it and likely be very angry and upset and that is was probably the ultimate betrayal.????
I try to delay the conversation (gosh...so many scenarios run through my head - is the girlfriend pregnant? has he slept with someone else? is there more stuff that he's been hiding?) and tell him I'll call him back when I've gotten d to bed. He then tells me not to answer the phone until I call him back. Odd. Sounds like he's pissed someone off and they are going to call me.
I call him back nearly an hour later and tell him that I don't want to hear what he has to say tonight if it's going to be so bad. I request that he call his parents or siblings, tell them what is going on and then decide with them what the best thing is to do. I then say that once he has done that then I would meet him for lunch tomorrow but that I will have a friend with me (for support).
He doesn't like that idea and starts to insist that he has to tell me now and that I "have to hear this now". I disagree. He says I have to hear it from him or I'll hear it from someone else. I say I'm hanging up now. I hang up and leave the phone off the hook.
I get changed into some jeans and get the car out and drive across the street and turn around and watch the house (d is asleep in her room....I'm starting to freak out cos I think h will come around to the house to insist on telling me).
I ring a good friend and we talk about the best solution.
I decide to go back to the house but I leave the car on the verge for a quick getaway if required and put a bag of clothes in the boot for d and I.
My phone is charging.
My friend rings me back to check on me. I have blocked the front door with something heavy (h has keys - the house is in both our names). While I'm on the mobile to my friend, the land line rings. I let it go to the answering machine. I check the message. It is from a female friend of his who wants me to call her because she doesn't know what is going on with h.
I reckon h has actually slept with this chick as well and that's what he was going to tell me. He has denied sleeping with her in the past and claimed that she was only a friend.
Of course...I don't really know what happened. I don't want to know. I don't want my gut to be right that my h is a liar and a cheater.
I think I'm okay now. I'm going to the gym in the morning for a kick boxing type class which I think will be good for me. Just hope h doesn't try and come to talk to me. Hope my friend doesn't pike on me so she can give me moral support.
LooseThread Trust has to be earned and usually it's earned starting at a distance.
Someone who has controling tendenacys generally does not change their ways until a real tramatic situation which they have not control over occurs. Splitting up with you and attempting to sooth his pain with another woman reguardless of the fact he slept with her or not does not sound tramatic to me.
Being a control addict I can tell you getting someone to tell you it's not your fault is not the solution but only aggreviates the problem. You cannot fix it you can only protect yourself and D.
Kickboxing is good. Steetfighting is great using whatever you can to defend yourself.
* I cannot offer new advice others here are much better at that but I can give you insite of a contoller's mind. We are not all the same but have similarities.
* We are very insecure. Deep down we know it and we envy people with confidence. * Many of us get into bodybuilding or manly activities to bolster our ego. To get confidence we may have a clue but are unwilling or unable to do the tasks unnessary. * When things do not go ourway we get angry. 'How dare them get into the way of my glory!' * As everyone we a dark side. Some achillies heel that manafests itself in a destructive behavior (example excessive Gambling). We go to great lengths to hide, deny, and distract others from that behavior. * The greatest irony is despite that effort everyone knows the specific achillies heel. (Sex, Gambling, strange behavior, whatever) * We'd rather win an argument than solve a problem.
Trust me. No one is immune though throughout the ages more men than women are reported with this affliction. It may be born from a legit need. 'I'm little, weak willed, 8 years old, and darn tired of being picked on by bullies'. However it manifests itself fed by selfishness and the desire to be admired and to be better than anyone else.
Thus we want the trophy wife, perfect family, but don't but the effort into nurturing them so they can grow. When they go their own way we get mad since that destroys the facade of the better man we want the world to see us.
Usually these guys go through multiple marriages always blaming the other and looking for that perfect match. For me it was a Dear John letter while in Iraq and a total loss of controlling my own actions (eat, location, who to associate with). There was no woman to run crying to ('She done me wrong') just Marines who would tell me to Shut the FU(# up. So I wisely did not do that.
After tons of research and lots of dredging up old memories I realized no matter how tramatic to me was the Dear John letter and getting dumped and shot at the same day It was nothing compared to what my Controlling personality did to other people who were blameless. That made me feel one thing for months and months.
Worthless. And it took time.
The control monster still rears his ugly head and I either retreat or lop it's head off. I live now two steps above a hobo and give the money either to my D in college savings or others.
You keep doing what you are doing. Yes if what you say is true your X sounds he wants multiple benifits. All you will do if feed the control monster and be consumed buy it.
My X and I do not get along. However she was able to express situations in suprising clarity.
1. Controlling personalitys eventually crush the people they are with. They make good leaders in a crisis but crisises do not last long and people who manage and listen do well when the waters are calm.
2. Most women will return to a man who cheats long before they return to a control freak. We do not understand that since many of us do not drink, do drugs, cheat. Guys who cheat but are not control freaks are considered 'bad boys' and make the effort to include you in their thrill rides. Many 'nice guys' are control freaks whom women neither get the excitement or keep their on sense of well being. That is why 'nice guys finish last'.
2a. We think being a hero (firefighter, cop, military guy) will attract a woman cause we do really tough things. However our female partner cannot share the experience (go into the burning building, fight a battle, arrest a bad guy). A bad boy puts you on his Harley and off you go to go swimming naked. You get to have fun to. He will tell you the story up front and if you don't wanna play no worries there are plenty of babes down the road who do. Most nice guy/control freaks have not discovered this and Opra and Dr Phil ain't gonna tell you.
3. Controlling personalities absolutely hate to have someone think bad about them. As in the old Jack Nicholson movie "You can't handle the truth". (Not a typical Marine Officer By the way) They cannot handle the truth they are a dirtball. It destroys their image of themselves and reminds them to become a decent person takes a ton of self sacrifice not just the appearance of self sacrifice.
4. Everything and I mean Everything they do is for advancing themselves. Conversations like 'How are you doing' are not just exchanging plesantries but information gathering exercises.
When faced with this I could argue cause that is what I did however what really sucked was 'It was the truth' and in the end I had to accept it and do 180s not to save my marriage which failed but change the mentally miserable existance of trying to be something at the expense of others.
The sad thing is in the end they are gaining nothing. All that self satification is eventually tempered by the knowledge they are a dirtball and cannot come to grips with that fact.
The Bible says we are all dirtbags and scumballs and when you come to that conclusion you can build a real life where people long term are actually blessed by your presence. Which leads me to one final rambling conclusion
1. I an no better than anyone and 2. No one is better than me reguardless if they are a hobo or president.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Someone copied this from an earlier post and I felt it was relevant to your situation
Quote:
" I can forgive you for cheating on me. I can forgive you for hurting me. I cannot forgive you for making me protect myself and hurt you in the process."
Reguardless what happens forgive yourself and protect yourself.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I suspect that your lovely long post hits pretty close to the mark. I am going to arm myself with information (which means calling this chick later on) and I will be doing what I can to refuse to speak with him until he has spoken with his parents or brother.
Time for kicking crap outta sumpin'! i.e. go to the gym!
another PA revealed while we have been separated. I don't really know too much about duration only that I think it was no greater than between March and September.
He got her pregnant. she had a termination apparently at his request. F*cker had unprotected sex with both of us.
and I still care? am I a glutton for punishment or do I actually love this guy? I'm not sure which.
he needs help, and not from me.
How can he say he still loves me? Is he deluded or sick or is it possible that he really does love me?
Hey Loose Forgiveness is automatic trust is earned.
People who are controllers are in love with themselves first. I know everyone had that 'what's in it for me?' going in the back of their mind but controllers take it to a higher level.
I went to the gym and ran into a guy who just got back from Iraq so I spent the time swapping stories instead of lifting. SO my calf is fine today.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
