I am sorry you are going through this. It is not about "love" anymore with your H. It is about protecting yourself and your beautiful children.
You do not have to make a decision today on what you need to do.
You do however need to take care of yourself.
You need to be there for you kids.
You need to provide them with safety and protection.
Your H sounds like he is going to get worse before he gets better.
Hugs Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
You are a mother, first and foremost, above and beyond a wife. You MUST protect those boys from the legacy that your H is most definetly slamming down on them. Your boys are learning from this man (that you continue to allow to be in their presence) how to behave as a grown man, how to treat a wife and how to treat children. The damage being done to them FAR exceeds any damage being done to you.
Save your boys. Little princess is not old enough yet to get the impression that how your H treats you is normal. How would you react if you knew one of your boys was treating his wife and kids this way? How would you react if you found out Kayla was being treated this way? What would you tell them?
Conquer the fear, put on your armor and protect your children. Your h can spin out of control all he needs to.
You need to be furious right now at what is being done to your kids!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Trust me I am furious, He is playing with me now- Moved out set up in hotel room- I have no idea where. He has turned his phone off and I have called his dad to get a message to him and am now being treated like crap by them
oh well
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
As Dry-Heat said...I would (did) file for D...this doesn't necessarily mean that it will become final...but it lends teeth to your words...you can't continue with this treatment...and unless he gets REAL help you can't continue with him...
I understand how scared you are...I was too...I had been with H and dependant on him since I was 15...at 42 he walked out on me and the kids...left me with no job, no home, nothing...I started from the ground up...I was scared but the more I made myself accomplish the more confident I became in myself...that WE would make it...the kids and I would be fine...it didn't mean that I no longer loved or cared about H...but I couldn't do anything to help him...just as he really couldn't do anything to help me...I had to do it myself...
Now is your time...you can do it...set out a plan...go to see about what programs as a single parent you are eligable for...if you need more education see if that can be arranged and paid for with public assistance...ask around of other single moms...ask for help!...you will find your strength to get through this...
Moving on with your life doesn't mean moving on with another man...you have LOTS of time...get yourself together and then you can evaluate the whole situation with you and H then...if he is getting REAL help there is not hurry in finishing the D...if not you can decide what and how you want to do things...this is YOUR life too...I know my H always said if he didn't get it together before the D was final there was no law that said we couldn't remarry...as long as I was still available...he did get it together...he had many many issues to deal with...it was a LONG road...
Lisa...you can do it...your children are your strength right now...let H go and get on with your life...if he figures things out then fine...if not you are on with your life...no more time wasted in limbo...
Thanks so much- I have pretty much buried myself in the Bible and other books today so that I can make the right choices here. I am letting go- I have to.. let him twist in the wind for awhile- if he is with another ow( his 4th ) or if he finds one right away then so be it. Right now like I said he refuses to talk to me. I will be in church as usual tommorrow but w/o the kids- I think I need to go alone tomm. he will be there with his family. I will ignore them the best I can- I am sure it will raise eyebrows but they will not keep me from church. I have cried my eyes out today and probably will for the rest of the night. Like I said my kids are at my mom's for now- What you guys don't probably knowis the amount of money he has spent this year alone on his ow(plural) it has been over 30,000 and we have had to sell and move into a 1 bedroom singlewide trailer to get back on our feet. yes, I let him drag us down this far. but I can get up from here and move on- I have nothing now- we don't even have a xmas tree I am just in shock that it doesn't seem to bother him at all. He is all comfy in his hotel room that his daddy paid for and I haven't ate in 3 days,no kidding- I say this not for pity but b/c it is sad that he doesn't see what he is doing to the kids and me- The kids eat at my mom's - I guess It is my fault if I am hungry b/c I am too proud to tell my mom we have no food- but like I said the kids are fed and that is allthat matters
I just need to start somewhere with a plan
He wants a D, ok then
Love,Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Lisa...don't be a martyr here...tell your mom...she will be upset if she finds out you didn't...
Further...get to the court house and file...get a judgement to keep him from hitting you with more debt...my H ran up over $100K in debt...not just on OW (very little went to her) but on himself...we had to sell our home also...as I said, when he left he left me with nothing...
Seek out all the help you can qualify for...even federal aid for families if you need to...please don't let your pride stand in the way of getting what you need...you need to start making a plan now to protect yourself not only physically but financially...if I were you I would start closing any and all joint accounts...if you are just an authorized signer have your name removed...before he totally ruins his own credit be sure to establish a credit card in your OWN name and keep it for emergencies ONLY...
Next secure any money you still have...no matter the amount in your own bank account...find a bank that offers free checking and start there...as soon as you have income start putting away for savings...either a set amount or a % each month...again, for emergencies or just to be able to do something fun once in a while...
You are on your own in this...you have to work out your own plan...you have to set your path...
But please...access any all public aid you can...they will go after H if he doesn't support his end of things with the kids too...
You can do this...there is no shame in having to start at the bottom and work your way up...especially after you have a jerk of a H put you through the ringer...as they say...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...and it truly will...
I managed to go to our court house go to the Family Court...I took an orientation on how to fill out the paper work for both a LS and a D...then after I did my class and paper work I returned and a lawyer reviewed things for me...I told them I didn't have the money to file so they gave me a simple form to fill out that I took with me to the filing clerk along with my paper work...and I filed for free...got my LS...and later changed that to a D...called if off...filed again about 6 months later...and have kept it pending during H's rehab and recovery...the judge extended it twice now for me...she believes in marriage and was willing to give us time but allow me to protect myself at the same time...
So my advice would be for you to start at your court house...they can even help with restraining orders if you need one...they will also tell you the formula that is used to figure support...so you can ask what is fairly yours...
Of course this is if you really can't afford a lawyer...which I couldn't...and I have enough legal smarts to figure things out on my own...it really isn't that hard once you get through the paper work...I also rewrote the agreement that they gave us...it is a fill in the blank thing...I rewrote it the way I wanted and the lawyer that looked it over was impressed...I also paid for a one time visit with a D lawyer to make sure my agreement was legal and would hold up...he assured me it was and even met with H about it to make sure he understood that it was a legal and binding agreement once it was signed and filed...
You can do this...but you have to eat...keep up your strength...physical, emotional and spiritual...so go to your mom's and invite yourself for dinner...she will want to be there for you I am sure...I am a mother and I would want to be there for my daughter...so let her be your mom!
I will get started ASAP as I have heard nothing from my H. There is no legal seperation in Florida so it has to be full on D. I could go for food stamps and what they call TANF -temp. assistance for needy families. which is some sort of cash assistance- I have been doing my homework online.
I am knowledgeable enough in the legal dept to do my own D, but it still takes about 300.00 to file, I can only get assistance if I have filed domestic violence charges- which I should have so I will see what I can get there. I did go and get a credit card he doesn't know about when he left last time and my name is no longer on anything. I haven't even worn my rings since this last affair- I told him whenI felt ready I would put them on - HARSH ,i know but true. My heart is excited somewhat about a great future but I still have a hope for my H and I hate leaving him during his time of need. STUPID sounding I know but true
Love and thanks Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
What about you and your time of need? He is only thinking of himself and for once stand up and say its not all about you. You devoted at least 2 years to him. If you don't think about you who will? Your Husband? Doubtful. He is still so into himself right now. You could make a report on the incident so you have it on hand.
Lisa...see about a financial waiver when you file...I know here in CA that if you are low income or have such debt that you can't afford the filing they will waive it...it was really easy for me to do...a few minutes to fill out a form and sign my name...no need to bring proof of anything...they took me at my word!
Look into any programs for single parent (mom's)...it is suprising how many states offer special assistance to help you get an education, job, home...you name it...
The world is your oyster now...and you aren't abandoning H...you are simply doing what needs to be done...he abandoned his family and until he comes to his senses (if he does) then there is nothing you can do to help...I know...I had to let my H go down that path of destruction...eventually he wanted my help...and was willing to accept my love...not an easy time but it at least we were both on the same track...
So it isn't abandonment on your part...but you have conditions...like he needs professional help...he needs to "abandon" all OW...he needs to recognize his families needs above his own...and he needs to get clean of all drugs/alcohol abuse...then he will be in a position for you to be his helper...until then you need to help yourself and your children...
You have cause (according to CA laws anyway) to file a domestic abuse case and get a restraining order...if that is what you need to do then do it...right now you don't think of what is best for H first and you and the kids second...you think of what is best for you and the kids first...and foremost!
