what to tell the kids

[tmi]

I believe that I will soon hear firm plans for moving out from my H. My intention is to keep DBing, even if that happens - I haven't yet given up hope of making our marriage work. Is there any way to give this message to children without giving them 'false' hope or spouse bashing - you know "your dad wants to move out but I'm going to keep hanging in there, so I'm the good parent" kind of thing?

I'd like them to also have a little hope, but I don't know if they can understand that, at the same time, we may never get back together. Is it too much to expect from children?

[SirPrizeMe]

I would suggest more along the lines of

"your dad is moving out."

"We are still married. We think we need some time apart for now."

Try to present a unified front. I know you feel like telling them "your dad wants to move away" but in the chance that he comes back later, you don't want to have poisoned their feelings for him, as if he is abandoning them.

This is a tough thing for kids but don't treat them like invalids. Empathize with them. They will have to confront the uncertainty of the situation. "I don't know when he is coming back, and I know that's hard to understand. But I just don't know. I know I want him back."

They won't understand it. You can say "I'm not really sure how it happened either".

They won't like it. you can say "Yes, I can see you don't like it. I don't like it either." etc. empathize.

[tmi]

Those are all good suggestions, thanks. I'm going to have to print them and practice.

I don't actually want to tell that he wants to leave, I just couldn't think of any other way to keep a little hope in the conversation, by letting them know that I hadn't given up. Knowing that a parent is choosing to leave would be really hard for them to hear. Definitely better if they think it's a decision we made together, although I can't really see that being easy to understand from their point of view, since we seem to be getting along really well from the outside - I'm being so darn pleasant!

I see from your signature that you are in a tough spot - I hope things get better, SP.