Calling all Divorce Busters and Divorce Remedy readers. I know my story is long, but please point me in the right direction.
Our marriage started June 4, 2006. We had been dating prior to this for almost four years. Prior to our marriage we enjoyed good times and bad. I remember there being more good times than bad. The bad mostly related to arguments over when I was going to marry her to petty stuff such as her organizational skills, her two cats and dog, to me just being a complete jackass belittling her, not accepting her outside activities, to generally just being a jerk to her.
However, I still loved her. She is such a caring and loving person. She never had one ounce of selfish attitude towards me always going the extra mile to make me smile. I do not know how or why I always made things so difficult for her. All I can think of right now is how bad I have hurt her and how I can reconcile for my past transgressions towards her.
Our arguments did not stop once we got married. In fact, I think I got so comfortable arguing with her I took it to the next level by losing my anger with her in an argument often times calling her names, saying very rude stuff to her and often times just telling her I quit; lets get divorced.
I look back on things now and realize that all my arguments with her were so pity, so self centered, and never placed myself in her shoes to look at the relationship through her eyes. However, that is not to say that the cats did not bother me and it is not to say that her tiny faults did not bother me in some way. I realize now that she was the same person, disorganized to a fault but a heart that was so soft and warm.
But over the course of the marriage it did not take me long to turn her warm loving heart to a very cold heart where she just froze. I do not remember the last time I ever gave her a compliment. I do not fully understand why, but I always punished her by not showing or telling her my feelings towards her if the cat litter box was not cleaned out or the dishes weren’t done or the floor wasn’t vacuumed. In fact I had double standards. I remember we had agreed that whoever cooked the other person would clean up the mess. But I had to turn this around too.
Four months ago (beginning of September) I agreed to take a temporary assignment with my company 7hrs away. She did not seem to have a problem with this. I would come home for the weekend every third weekend. I missed her so much when I was alone. But for some reason our arguments carried over to the phone calls.
October came around and we were invited to a Halloween party. We both went and had a fairly decent time. She was not feeling well and I had a bit too much to drink at the party. Well, for some reason I started belittling her at the party in front of some friends. Although she did not say anything to me until the next morning, I felt really bad.
That Sunday night we were on our way to my parent’s house to heave dinner. My father was away on business so it was just going to be the two of us and my mother. On the way over there I noticed that there was some mail in the back of her car that she had picked up from my parents house on Friday. For some reason I blew up and lost control of myself. I began yelling and screaming and all that she could do was start crying. She even begged and pleaded for me to take her back home. I continued on to my parent’s house where she immediately dropped me off and left. I explained to my mother what happened and she suggested I call her. I invited her back to the house where we explained to my mom that we have been arguing and fighting.
She tried her best to find a medium between the two of us. However, I think the both of us left not feeling very good about the relationship. It should have immediately been taken from there to an experienced therapist.
I left the following Monday back to my temporary assignment. Our phone calls back and forth were cordial at best. I could tell in her tone that she was upset, and that tone in her voice made me upset.
Two weeks had gone by and I was finally coming home for good. It was the Friday before Thanksgiving and on my way home she hinted that there were problems. It was not until I got home that I realized that she was going to move out. I begged and pleaded for her to reconsider but the following Sunday my mom came over and we all sat around the dining room table and that was when she finally said, “I think its best if we retreat to neutral corners.” This being her finding an apartment locally or somewhere else.
It was also brought up that I needed to go and see a psychiatrist to determine if there was something more to all my anger and impatience. I decided right then and there that I needed to do this. I hesitated before because I work for a defense contractor holding specific security clearances. One of the many questions that are asked in order to obtain the clearance is whether or not the person requesting the clearance is mentally stable. This is what has kept me from doing this in the past. The fear of losing my credentials, thereby losing my job if there was no other job I could that did not require the security clearances.
I was destroyed and to honor that space requirement I stayed either at a friend’s house on the couch or my parent’s house, coming back to our house briefly to get a fresh set of clothes or a random item that I needed.
Thanksgiving came and we told my Grandparents. She does not have Grandparents so I know that she looks at mine as hers; and they look at her as their own Granddaughter. This was tough for everyone, especially my Grandfather who is not doing well and probably won’t exist with us much longer.
We then told her parents. Much to my surprise her mom did not seem fully surprised but rather supported her decision. She made some comments of course of how she saw the relationship and how she saw her daughter the victim; but that was to be expected. I cried in her mom’s arms. In fact it is up to most recently that I have stopped crying.
The Following Monday after Thanksgiving I made an appointment with a psychiatrist. One that my mom had a friend recommend. Her friend is a psychologist professor at the local community college. The date for the appointment was December 4. This time could not come sooner. I wanted so badly to determine what was wrong with me.
Time went on and I spent more time at my parent’s house. What a weird feeling, living with my parents again. All I could think was that my attitude and cold-heartedness had cost me a marriage not to mention that we had to explain to my family and hers that we were separating. She got an apartment the week after Thanksgiving 40 miles away and made the final move to her apartment on 12/2/07.
She took everything that belonged to her that she brought from her house (we both came into the marriage each owning a house) and some of the stuff we had acquired together. She left me with more than enough to live. Some things she did leave behind that really hurts are all of the wedding photos, wedding album, and wedding videos. She even made it a point to place the wedding photos in our bedroom to where I would constantly be reminded of our relationship together. She also left all her scrapbooking stuff and some other random material items that probably would not fit in her new apartment. She did take the dog but could not find a suitable place for the cats. I felt so terrible about all the fuss I made about the cats in the past told her that they were fine here.
Its not that she never told me; she described in great detail what I needed to do in order for the marriage to work better. I was so obstinate. As I stated earlier, I used my emotionless self to punish her for not doing what I asked of her. All I feel is regret and remorse.
I have since started talking to the Pastor that gave us pre-marital counseling. His kindness and wisdom has shown me that there may be hope. All I can do is pray that she has a soft enough heart to forgive me. I realize that this may not come easy. I further realize that patience is the only way.
I have also seen the medical psychiatrist. She spent over an hour with me asking me questions about my sleep patterns, my tenseness, and my impatience. I explained to her that I fly off the handle easy with my wife but not with other people. She explained to me that I reflected someone with a very high expectation of perfectness and that I expected this same perfection through Debbie. She also explained to me that it appeared that I played more of a role as a parent and her as a child since I was always reprimanding her for her shortcomings and faults. I reflect on this and view this as a huge transgression. The medical psychiatrist finally concluded that I had a Generalzied Anxiety Disorder or GAD.
Often time signs and symptoms of GAD include restlessness, feeling keyed up all the time, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, irritability, muscle tension, trouble falling or staying asleep, thoughts always entering your mind of worry, and diarrhea. I had all of those symptoms.
She prescribed to me Cymbalta, an anti-depressant that is supposed to equalize the Serotonin levels in my brain. She also prescribed to me Ambien, a sleeping aid. Since I have started taking the medication I have yet to see any results. I still feel the ups and downs and the Ambien is not working. I often wake up a 2am, slightly fall asleep and then wake up anywhere between 4:30am to 5:30am. I e-mailed her and she said to start taking two of the Ambien’s. This does not seem to help.
She called telling me something that is insignificant, but I made the mistake of asking her if she would consider seeing a counselor. She replied that she would have to check her schedule. I then asked if we had a chance, I also requested that she be honest. There was a long pause and she said she did not think so.
I have since taken up reading the Bible, reading the “Purpose Driven Life”, and the Divorce Remedy. All of these books give me hope that I will be able to change as a person and hopefully be able to repair the damage that I have done to our marriage.
Note: On 12/07/2007 she came over during her lunch break for me to do something for her car. She had hurt her finger by slamming it in a car door and it is all bandaged not allowing her to even use the finger. She rested on the couch where I was reading The Divorce Remedy and was surprised when she walked in. I stuffed in under a pillow and am certain she looked at it while I fooled with her car. She stayed a while and we talked. She described how frustrating her work was that day and how her boss gave her such a hard time for being late the previous day when she had to go to the hospital to get her finger taken care of. She then left to go back to work. I walked her out to the car because she took some of the random stuff she left behind. I had to open the car door since both her hands were full of stuff. It was hard saying good-bye and at first I said, “See Ya.” I then walked into the house and realized that this was not very nice and walked back out and politely said have a good day (all with a very sad face). I could tell by her expression that she was kind of sad. However, I do not know if it was the sadness of seeing my hurt or otherwise.
Hello Helpless In FL...Sorry that you find yourself here with us, but know that you have found a good place to begin making you & hopefully your marriage better.
Firstly, Good job with knowing what you contributed towards your sitchuation it's half the battle won when you can see your own faults. However, although it's very natural to dwell on the past events & things that you believe to have contributed towards your sitchuation, you have to try to get past that because thats exactly what it is, it's past & in the past. You can't change the past so don't waste too much your time & energy thinking about it. Put all that thought into making "now" your main priority so that events of the past don't resurface.
Originally Posted By: Helpless In FL
I cried in her mother's arms. In fact it is up to most recently that I have stopped crying.
This is not something to be ashamed of in anyway, I did the exact same thing my friend. Try to let that go though because you don't want to have your wife see you in an upset state for too long.
Originally Posted By: Helpless In FL
Some things she did leave behind that really hurts are all of the wedding photos, wedding album, and wedding videos. She even made it a point to place the wedding photos in our bedroom to where I would constantly be reminded of our relationship together
They all do this, it's hard but at the moment she's wanting out & any reminder of what she's leaving will make it harder for her. I don't think there are any WAS that have taken the book of good times with them so don't feel bad that your wife left them in safe hands, with you. There are many WAS that when going through the things they want & don't want, the wedding photo's end up on the trash pile!!. So the fact that she placed the photo's in your bedroom & left them with you, is at least a acknowledgement of their importance to you & somewhere deep down, to her also.
Originally Posted By: Helpless In FL
She did take the dog but could not find a suitable place for the cats. I felt so terrible about all the fuss I made about the cats in the past told her that they were fine here.
This is a good move with the cats & they deserve a good home, non of this is their fault. I'ts also a great chance to show your wife a change in yourself by looking after them & keeping them in a loving home. It's also a very good line of communication between yourself & your wife. At some point she'll probably want to see them & theres a chance for you to have important face to face contact without any relationship talks or pressure.
Originally Posted By: Helpless In FL
I was reading The Divorce Remedy and was surprised when she walked in. I stuffed in under a pillow and am certain she looked at it while I fooled with her car
Don't worry too much if she saw the book. However I would not make that an habbit, you don't want to give your game plan away too much. Mainly whats in the book is for you & having your wife have more than a glance at it may lessen you chances of getting through.
My reply is cut a little short here, i'm sorry...But here's the basics & so very important....
Smile, even if it's at yourself in the mirror...Try to be happy & find things that will make you happy. When you have any contact with your wife make sure you are always carm, polite & happy...Smile smile smile...You do not want her to see you with a sad look.
Do not bring up any relationship talks with your wife yourself...If she wants to talk then listen listen listen...Validate what she says & then listen some more.
Keep posting here & read as much as possible, others threads & the succsess stories too...Post on others threads even if you don't think you have any help to give, you'll be suprised at your own knowlage & insight when you step out of your own sitchuation.
You mentioned that the Doc gave you Cymbalta and you didn't think it was working yet. i know that they take a good 6 weeks to really start. It doesn't happen over night. Give them time. Keep your chin up and keep smiling. By coming here you are on the right path.
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Well we talked yesterday. She has told me that she wants a divorce and she wants me to go and take care of it. I am speechless and have been uncontrollably shaking sense I heard the news. I am meeting with my pastor this afternoon and met with my therapist this morning. I am crushed.
She wants a divorce & you have to be the one to take care of it? Whats the law in the state of Florida regarding divorce? Is there something that would stop her filing herself, except maybe herself?
I ask because I really have no idea on the divorce laws in any of the states in the US (UK here) However, I would assume that she can file & you can sign. My opinion here is this..If she wants a divorce then you'd be taking care of very little regarding the said divorce, she'd go out & file for it & you'd be served.
My wife & I had a similar conversation about 4 months ago where she said that she wants a divorce & I would have to be the one that files for it...I told her if it's truly what she wants & she said it was, then she must be the one to file. I told her to file against me for unreasonable behavior (One of the few grounds in the UK)& I would sign no questions asked. Up to now, she has not filed & I don't like to tempt fate but if she was so determined then she would go full steam ahead....
I hope it's the same case for your wife & although she says what she wants she may not want it bad enough to do it herself. Again in my opinion, people will move a mountain to get what they want if they truly want it.
For now believe non of it because putting the ball in your court does not sound like someone that is hell bent on divorce.
I purchased the divorce busting book. When I spoke with her I get he impression that she resents me very much. Is there a difference between the two books?
First thing I would advise which has helped me immensely - accept first that a divorce is a possible outcome of your sitch, but dont think that it is the only outcome. Once you are at peace with the fact that it is possible you can clear your head and begin to work on what you are going to do. Secondly, when she speaks of D affirm her feelings... "I understand that D is a possible outcome and you feel that will help us..." etc the key is to validate her feeling about the D without admitting that it is something that you agree with or want.
Use this validation process with every convo that you have. Validate her feelings at all times and make sure that you are doing some 180's that will help you change your behavior. Lastly, try to let her pursue you a little. Let her miss you a bit, and do not bring up R talk at all.
If you are positive, affirming, and disarming there may be a chance for you. I have help by keeping a journal of my and her behavior so I can remember what is going on in various sitch's, you may find that useful as well.
Most importantly - DO NOT FILE FOR D. If she is done with the M let her do it. By telling you to do it she is trying to escape the responsibility of her decision. She needs to understand that this decision has consequences and one of them is the process of filing. Don't tell her that as much, but be polite and tell her that she would need to file. You would then be served etc.
You may also want to see if your company offers some legal services so you can get a consult with an lawyer, at the very least you will understand your options.
Good luck.
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
