Hello. I haven't posted here in years. Don't have much time to share my story as my H will be home in about 20 minutes. We have been married almost 10 years now, with 3 kids. He is LD. He would probably say I'm HD but I consider myself "normal" D. We used to ML about once a month, now it is once every 3-4 months. It's almost always pity sex, which completely sucks. He gives in because he knows I'm frustrated and can see my resentment building up. It is this horrible, endless cycle and no matter of reading or talking or praying or "insert fruitless attempt at solution here" is helping. It has gotten to the point I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him. I am barely civil. I have become this b*tch of a wife, this person I never thought I was capable of becoming. When he looks at me I scowl at him. No wonder he doesn't want to have sex with me.
The worst part is...I lost over 100 pounds. So as before where I was this fat woman and nobody really noticed me, now I'm pretty danged cute and men are flirting with me all the time. I try to pretend not to notice it, but I'm so flattered by it and yet it makes me even more mad at H for not noticing. We actually had sex more often when I was fat, if that makes any sense.
I guess I am rambling here. I also have one more big secret. I had an affair, briefly. It was stupid. I thought it would help. But of course it didn't. The guy still calls, wants to get together. It was always good "during" but the guilt was (and still is) immense. I crave the feeling wanted, the passion. But I don't want it from another man. I want it from my H.
So I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I keep thinking if I can just make it through the holidays maybe I will take the kids and leave. Maybe a separation would be good for us. I see the new book is coming out in January. Part of me wants to pre-order it. Part of me thinks of all the other "fix your sexless marriage" books collecting dust on my shelf that haven't done a darned thing.
Yes, I'm depressed. Thanks for listening. It feels good to get stuff off my chest. It's been too long since I've expressed any of my feelings about this.
its tough to post late at night when there arent many people reading.
you havent really said much, beyond initial surface up-front aggro between you two.
how about you post more details of your past,.. what you both used to be like when you first met, for example... and see what people can suggest? was he always this low drive?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Thanks for your reply. You're right, more background on our situation would probably be helpful. I'll try to be brief.
When H (now 45) and I (now 37) met 12 years ago we got along fabulously, and there was definitely lust and passion between us but H didn't want to have sex until we were sure this was "it". (The first of MANY red flags I ignored over the years, but which seem SO obvious now!) After a few months I couldn't take it anymore so I seduced him. The sex wasn't so good, very awkward. It got better over time, but still was not real frequent (about 1x/week - he was always "tired" from work or whatever). After a year we got engaged and moved in together, and sex became less frequent to the point I started trying to have conversations about it. He then said he felt guilty that we were living together unmarried, and that we wouldn't have sex until we got married. This is a huge pattern with him...it will always get better around the next corner, after we have passed the next hurdle, when he gets a new job, etc. etc. etc.
During our first few years I noticed, and again chose to ignore, the biggest red flag of all - he had a major internet porn thing going on. He would reject me in bed and yet sneak off to his den to jerk off in front of the computer. Again, over the next several years, I tried various "solutions" - everything from trying to participate with him, to banning porn, counseling (major failure), etc. Meanwhile, we got married. We had sex twice on our 9-day honeymoon. When we got home, sex was less and less frequent, and there was no passion. (BTW, H has many rules around sex, and kissing is NOT allowed. Neither is oral sex - well, he's willing to receive but not give. It took me a year just to get him to touch me down there. Seriously, um, another red flag there. I am such an IDIOT.)
So that is basically the pattern. Over the years he has come up with all these plans and solutions - scheduled sex, weekend getaways, etc. They work for a week, a month, maybe a few weeks, then nothing. Meanwhile it's been 12 years since we met and fell in love. The sex, as infrequent as it is, has actually gotten really good (for both of us). This almost makes it worse, because when we do it I want it more.
Fast forward to last week. Another fight, another promise of changes, another pity screw. Except this time, for the first time since we met, I couldn't get aroused. I went through the motions just because I knew he had planned this romantic evening and I didn't want to disappoint him. But in the end I physically couldn't do it. I started to sink into a major depression, that I'm still in the middle of. In my heart I blame him for ruining this, for drying me up (not to be graphic), for wasting what were supposed to be my best years sexually. I blame him for taking what was a great relationship and throwing it in the garbage with all his endless excuses and his 3x/day porn habits and on and on.
On the flip side, I blame myself, for ignoring the red flags, for not leaving him years ago, for making the horrible decision to seek sex outside our marriage. I don't know if there is a solution for us. Even if someone walked up to my door right now and handed me the perfect solution wrapped up in a pretty gold box I don't know if I'd open it because that would force me to open up my heart again and have hope and I'm all out of hope.
I know there are no quick answers but I am desperate here. It's starting to feel like leaving is the best option, before I make the final descent into madness.
When H (now 45) and I (now 37) met 12 years ago we got along fabulously, and there was definitely lust and passion between us but H didn't want to have sex until we were sure this was "it". (The first of MANY red flags I ignored over the years,
I dont think that is a red flag.
Quote:
During our first few years I noticed, and again chose to ignore, the biggest red flag of all - he had a major internet porn thing going on. He would reject me in bed and yet sneak off to his den to jerk off in front of the computer.
now THAT, however, is a problem.
Quote:
The sex, as infrequent as it is, has actually gotten really good (for both of us). This almost makes it worse, because when we do it I want it more.
I think that is a really big, positive thing, personally.
Quote:
Except this time, for the first time since we met, I couldn't get aroused. I went through the motions just because I knew he had planned this romantic evening and I didn't want to disappoint him. But in the end I physically couldn't do it. I started to sink into a major depression, that I'm still in the middle of. In my heart I blame him for ruining this, for drying me up (not to be graphic), for wasting what were supposed to be my best years sexually.
My guess is that the reason you couldnt get aroused, is your huge amount of resentment about "wasting years of your life".
Feeling that way, would pretty much kill the mood for most anyone.
From what I've read, this is actually a pretty common backlash type reaction. When someone complains about a problem in their marriage for years.. but then they finally get a taste of things going right... suddenly, they can get overwhelmed with feelings of, "WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS SOONER?!?!?!"
The thing is... you can choose to kill things between you with resentment... or you can choose to let go of the past, and look to a better future.
Some people say that you would need to "grieve" the loss of that past time. (but then let it go, and get over it )
Quote:
Even if someone walked up to my door right now and handed me the perfect solution wrapped up in a pretty gold box I don't know if I'd open it because that would force me to open up my heart again and have hope and I'm all out of hope.
This is the biggest problem. You deliberately setting things up to fail, (or blocking things that would succeed), so that you can justify leaving him because "it's not working".
Quote:
I know there are no quick answers but I am desperate here. It's starting to feel like leaving is the best option, before I make the final descent into madness.
It's not the "best option". it's not even the only option. Nor is it a "quick" one, either. I doubt you are really going to feel fulfulled, even if you leave him tomorrow. right?
It sounds to me, as though there is actually a Lot of Hope for your situation!
The two biggest problems that I see, that stand in the way of you two having a great marriage together are:
#1: his porn addiction (and possible shame issues about real sex)
#2: your resentment of the past, and wanting to find an "easy way out".
The head-on approach to all this, would be that he goes to seek help, with something like sex-addicts anonymous, and that you get counselling for your decade of resentment towards him.
Worse case... tell him that you want to leave, and you plan to, because he wont address these issues for your sake.
Sometimes, people are willing to do more than you think they would do, if you let them know just how high the stakes really are.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
DomR, RHW, and Zuzu - Thank you for your replies. I now have some stuff to chew on over the weekend. We are going away (as a family) so I won't be back until Sunday, but wanted to thank you all for listening to me and for understanding where I am. It also helps to have a fresh perspective. As most in a SSM probably know, when you share these things with your "real life" friends who aren't in a similar situation they don't really understand.
It was sunny today so that definitely helped with my mood. I met H for coffee at his office this afternoon, and really tried to be friendly and cheerful. To be honest, it SUCKS having to actually force myself to be friendly and cheerful around the man I once thought I could get through anything with. I'm not sure on the hope thing - I will have to digest that a little more. Well, I'm rambling again. Thanks again and hopefully I will have more to report after the weekend. We might even have some time alone so I will have a chance to maybe have a heart-to-heart talk with him.
One more thing I should update - the porn thing finally stopped being an issue about 4 years ago when I did tell him I would leave him if it continued. But by then a lot of damage had been done. I've thought of madonna/whore syndrome, too. Not sure if it's that or just a complete fear of intimacy on his part. (Or, maybe those two are one in the same.) Getting rid of the porn, BTW, did nothing to improve the sexual relationship.
One more thing I should update - the porn thing finally stopped being an issue
it's interesting that you did NOT say, "he stopped using porn".
You imply it later, though. so, moving on...
Quote:
Getting rid of the porn, BTW, did nothing to improve the sexual relationship.
well, no.. just getting rid of it, does nothing by itself. you have to get rid of it, AND you have to improve things between you also.
Hmm. there are multiple ways to deal with his reluctance about sex. One is, "lots of counselling".
The other is, "just do it"
One of the biggest barriers to that, is your self-imposed judgement about "pity sex".
If you could let go of that attitude... and instead focus on what you can have him do, to make you feel happy.. and then also, how you can make that more comfortable for him... then with some people, time, and repetition of a positive, nurturing sexual experience, can mend it.
To do that, though, you would need to get him to agree to "schedule sex" (or at minimum, sexual intimacy), at least once a week.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Okay, the weekend is over and there have been some changes (on my part) and a lot of reflecting (again, on my part).
First, to answer a few earlier questions. Yes, this could be Madonna/Whore or it could be hormonal or it could be the porn thing or it could be a LOT of things. One trap I keep falling into with this SSM thing is to try to put a label on WHY things are they way they are; but the fact is no matter what the problem is it can't be fixed, worked on, dealt with, repaired, diagnosed, treated, and/or "insert solution here" until H himself chooses to deal with it. I can put any label I want on it, but if HE continues to be in denial that there even is a problem, and instead blames it on ME being "obsessed with sex", then there isn't anything I can do.
Also, regarding the porn thing, I'm not sure why I chose the words I did. As far as I know he is no longer using porn. That being said, I am also no longer constantly looking, wondering, and suspecting as I used to. I had to let that go, because it was eating me up. If he's doing it (and I don't think he is) then he's very good at being sneaky about it, since our computer is right in the middle of our kitchen (instead of in his den as it was in the old house) and we have parental control software that only I know the password to (this is for our kids' protection too).
So here is my update from the weekend. Starting Friday night, I tried very hard to let go of resentment (thank you, Dom R, for pointing out something new I hadn't thought of about that resentment) and be the loving, affectionate wife I once was. H and I ended up having some quality alone time on Saturday, going to the mall, dinner, etc., and I think he was a little taken aback that Miss B*tchy had turned back into the loving wife again. During lunch I did tell him that I had made a decision to try to be nicer, and that I was sorry for being so mean all the time, and that I was going to try very hard to let go of resentment. He seemed appreciative; and I felt bad, because I could see he didn't really believe me. Probably for good reason.
Same thing yesterday, a busy day with the kids but I took time out for hugs, a little snuggling on the couch, made a nice dinner, etc. Honestly, by the time we got to bed last night I was emotionally exhausted - it really took it all out of me being that nice. I don't mean that in a superficial way. I was laying in bed trying to figure out why it was suddenly so hard for ME, who used to be the nice wife, to be so nice to H. And I realized that being nice, loving, and affectionate was like opening up that old rusty door on my heart. I had this epiphany: it had actually become EASIER to be mean because then *I* was in control over my heart instead of putting that fragile little thing back into H's hands. Hmmm, weird insight, but it felt very profound to me. So, as we lay there in bed, even though I could hear him drifting off to sleep, I shared it with him. I said that it felt bad to say this, but that I was having trouble being nice to him and that I was going out of my comfort zone to do so, and that I needed him to NOTICE that, and more important, that I needed HIM to come out of his comfort zone too or I could very well get scared and retreat back into my resentment.
He chewed on this for a bit, then said he really appreciated my niceness over the weekend, and looked forward to it continuing. Then he pulled me closer and actually started to get a little frisky. Wow, big moment for me - and H. Again, it was hard for me to not think of him as making another try for pity sex and just take it for what it was - him acknowledging what I had said, and coming out of his comfort zone. We didn't ML, just kinda had some intimate snuggling, but it was nice, and it felt different.
Fast forward to today, and I am still really scared but anxious to see what happens next. I am still having trouble with the "hope" part of things. Maybe it's easier to take things day by day. I feel like we are teetering on this precipice and though things are nice right now, they could go back to being impossible with just the wrong word breathed by either of us.
Just thought I'd give an update. More to report later, I hope.
)