Mixed Signals - version 13...

[J_in_Texas]

That is driving me a little nuts and I don't even know you guys! Lots of positives is what I am hearing. You are a dbing expert it appears! No back sliding allowed. I want to see your success story here!

J

[catfan]

Expert, well I do know the material, practicing it is the hard part. I definitely backslide WAY TO MUCH. Honestly because we have kids and the types of involved parents we are has kept us in constant daily contact the entire time. Rarely has a day gone by that we didn't speak. Now I wish I had gone dark in that regard because I think it's created unseen pressure and I realize exactly how it happened.

I do believe she's now done based on some things that have happened since Tuesday and really this month. She's just not taken the next step and had the papers drawn up. I've been struggling with this all week. As for Tuesday night I think I just heard what I wanted to hear, read into it what I wanted to see. All the while she was just being nice to me, not trying to hurt my feelings. That makes me wonder that she really does know how hard she's broken my heart and just trying to avoid those feelings for both of us? Trying not to hurt me any more and hurt herself? Can guilt be an ally in this situation?

[cat03]

Can guilt be an ally in this situation?
========================================
no, guilt is a lousy excuse to do anything, ask my H, not able to quit it with H because of guilt, hiding things for me so I wouldn't feel bad, didnt' want to feel guilty of hurting my feelings (like lying to me wouldnt' hurt me!)
I've seen your posts here and there, I think you are a great guy and it saddens me to ready things dont' look so good right now.
Will keep you in my prayers)))))

[FLTC]

CF,

In this situation, guilt will eat us alive. I feel your frustration. She consistently gives you nibbles to up your hopes, and just as quickly dashes them. Ugh. Maddening. I have started to post on Surviving, because I just sent the emial to my W. telling her that I would be saving for my return. I got no response. None expected,except to rip my head off. Good luck. I'll check back.

I think when we can let go of fear of saying or doing the wrong thing that just might be the "one thing" that pushes them over the tipping, we're much better off. Be a decent, kind, considerate human being, but not a lap dog. That's all you can do. If you spend all your time trying to ficure out what's in her head, you'll have no energy left for you. Let it go.

[jmw128]

I've just recently understood

If you spend all your time trying to ficure out what's in her head, you'll have no energy left for you. Let it go.

As a simple example, my WAW left a voice mail for a lame reason and then said "have a happy birthday". I am so glad I didn't get the call because I know it would have just warped my mind and then my whole day. I just have to remember she is really confused right now. I will never figure why she did and/is doing this and definitely no way I'll understand what's in her head. No sense in doing that, let it go. She will be blunt when she wants something different. Yours will be to.

[catfan]

jmw, oh I learned long ago not to do too much analyzing or reading into things. Something I always try to remember is each of these little interactions is a crumb and not the whole cookie. But you have to wonder at what point do the crumbs start to add up.

Cat03 and FLTC, on guilt I was just thinking out loud more than anything. Wondering can guilt be an ally in the it helps someone see over a wall they have put up. Possibly but the big thing is do they let go of that guilt when they see the good things on the other side of the wall, when they realize they don't need guilt when they can have such positive and good things.

I suspect my musing on guilt aren't spot on. Guilt is a tough thing to get past and can lead to resentment and we all know where that leads!

[FLTC]

CF,

We are all human. we all have frailties. I don't think anyone on this board is an evil doer! Focus on YOU. You know what to do. when you can lose the fear of "what if", that is the tipping point. There are some days that I think that's where I am. More so now than before. There are more of these than less of these these days. I called home this AM to talk to my S9. W. is flying to Utah to D17s school, so she was taking S9 to friends house. I heard her ask him to ask me if I had the phone number there. I said no. She would not even take the phone to tell me. She had to relay it to him.

Four months ago, that would have eaten me alive. "Why won't she talk to me?" "Oh man, she won't talk to me again/yet/ever". I just shook my head. So childish, So ridiculous. She is just a MEAN person. I don't care about "protective coats" or anything else. Her behavior is ridiculous. She's not even being a civil person. Not to over dramitize, but we take mortar and rocket fire EVERY f'ing day here. I could realistically get killed in a blink of an eye. "Get over yourself, WAW" I am not playing into that.

[catfan]

Already doing that my friend and doing a lot more of it now since we signed the separation agreement. Don't worry I'm not over analyzing here, like I said before I was thinking out loud in a philosophical way more than anything.

[big_tuna]

catfan...10 months post d and i still check in here on occasion...i always read your threads and wish you the best....you are a veteran ...a warrior if you will in this battle
to save your marriage and i commend you....like me you may not win the battle but in the end it will be how you fought that will give you peace and solace....i still miss and love my xw to this day...she lives right down the street and saw her today at my house..we still hug/kiss every time we say hello/goodbye and i still go to bed every night wondering what happened...what i could have done differently but in the end i can look at myself in the mirror,at her,at my kids, at our friends, and respective families knowing that i did everything humanly possibe to avoid this result...i cant comprehend the guilt she must sometimes feel in her private moments with herself.....the woman i married loved and was a partner with for 23 years is gone and slowly i am learning to accept that....my wish for you is that you get some peace knowing you did everything you could too in your situation....god bless you//// BIG TUNA

[catfan]

Thanks BT your words and thoughts are much appreciated.

Like you I just want to hold my head up and be able to say I made my best efforts, I showed love, compassion, respect, honor, courage, strength and confidence. I looked into the abyss and held my head high, did all that I could and still came out on a good positive note. More importantly to me is that I honored the vows, the commitments I made to her, to myself, to God and to our children and family. And did it in a positive way, love, compassion, honor, respect and most of all Faith.

If she decides to end our marriage then so be it. I know I was here with all my heart, soul and mind committed to the vows we took. I've always been here, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, for better and now for worse.

Yes I do love her now as much as I have ever loved her. I will always have love for her, part of my heart will always be hers. This does make it all the more difficult to deal with. But this is my choice, a choice to let love, compassion, honor, respect and Faith be the guiding principle of my life, my heart and my soul.