Here I am back again after a bit of an absence. I love this board, but sometimes it has felt like I'm scratching an itch that is best left alone.
Last night H decided to throw in the towel. Pretty much along the lines of Mojo's H. Just saying he can't do this anymore. I said words to the effect of "fine". Well it is fine. Anyhow this morning I had a text from him saying he felt panicky and can we talk tonight - promising to be sober. Fine again.
My question is this: Should I just hold out and let him walk away. He wants to but he doesn't want to and I know I could play things so that he would stay. I just don't think I should. I think I should not do anything to help him make the decision one way or the other.
I'd love to catch up with your threads, but I've already wasted most of today just mulling everything around in my head and not doing a stroke of that thing called work. It pays the bills and I guess it might be even more important to do that pretty soon.
Happy hanukah
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I would say listen to what he has to say tonight. Are YOU done? I would say definitely do NOT do anything or say anything to *help* him make his decision. He needs to do that on his own and, who knows, maybe a separation is what you guys need. I've seen a lot of sitch's where just that was the best thing to happen. You both may realize one way or the other what's best for both of you.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Separation rarely leads to reconciliation. However I do agree that the important thing is that Hap identify what she wants. I understand that a big part of the answer is to "be happy". If you do try some kind of trial separation I would encourage you to do it with boundaries and agreements in place.
What is it that your H thinks he can't do? Does he want to give up because he thinks he has tried and it hasn't made a difference and he wants to hide out emotionally or does he think another R would be different or does he just want a clean slate? His reasoning matters greatly in how I would address the issue.
Yes I think I am pretty much done. For those who don't know my side of things has been:
H changed overnight as soon as our son was born. I believe he never wanted to be a parent and "went along with it" because he thought I would ditch him if he didn't. Although I always made it clear that it had to be a joint decision.
Four years and a 2nd child later he walked out. OW involved. I DB'd and he came back. I was angry with him. I was panicked having a 4yo and 20mo at the time and no job. I didn't want to be left as a single mum. I didn't really want him back for him, I just didn't want to be ditched like that.
Two years good DBing things OK. Then my mum died and I couldn't put the energy in anymore. Things went pear-shaped again. Alerting me to the idea that it was I doing all the work.
Had another go, went to counselling came back on these boards etc. No dice. His description (to the C) of our life pre-kids was glowing. Which again let me know that that has always been the issue for him. Just doesn't want to be a family man.
Last month I finally got an apology out of him about his bad behaviour towards me when the kids were born. Funnily enough this seems to have given me closure. Our relationship since has been bland, civilised, not even annoying to me anymore. Something tells me I've been clinging on all these years just to hear him say sorry and now he has he's free to go.
Karen: What is it that your H thinks he can't do?
I asked him that - he doesn't know. From my own POV he has done nothing to speak of. He really has made no visible effort. To him no doubt he has been doing something. I guess what he has been doing is "suffering" and now he feels he can't suffer any more.
A while back Lil described his behaviour as like trying to play ball with a dead dog. That is very much how it has been. Every now and then he will regain consciousness and complain about the size of the ball or how high I'm throwing it. What his suffering lately has been is that I put the ball away and have been going about my business.
I spoke to my sister this morning. She sees him as having done nothing too. She is talking more from the point of view of him never being around at any family gatherings. She also knows that we lead separate lives in the same house - his idea. He won't have it any other way and calls me controlling if I try and suggest we should have more family time together.
I will listen tonight but I certainly won't encourage him to do one thing or another. Nor will I promise to be a good girl.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Fran, I'm so sorry it's come to this. [[[[[Fran]]]]]
Lil, puts on broken record, cranks Victrola
Quote:
promising to be sober
Fran, you can't have a close relationship with an active alcoholic. The alcoholic is not emotionally available on a consistent basis. Take yourself to an alanon meeting-- for YOU. HE needs to deal with the alcoholism on his own. By asking you to "talk" tonight, he's signaling that he wants you to make the decision for him. The man is in pain, but he cannot heal unless he faces the pain himself without help from you. "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
As the others said, "What do YOU want, for YOU?"
Not "What do you want to keep him from suffering?"
No one drinks enough for it to cause this amount of suffering unless they are in tremendous pain. The alcohol medicates the pain and temporarily makes it possible to ignore the pain. When someone stops drinking, they NEED some kind of program to help them deal with the pain, because without the alcohol, the pain is like a 5-alarm fire. Just ceasing to drink will not work. Something has to take the place of the medication. A program, a practice, a commitment, a path with signposts and helping hands FROM OTHER ALCOHOLICS. Within him there's a huge gravitational force at work, pulling at him. He needs something to help him hold his own ground against that pull. This is his work. YOU cannot do this for him.
You don't have to split up for him to do this work, but YOU have to do your own work to avoid helping him and taking responsibility for his tasks. That means alanon for you.
I'm not saying it has to be AA. There are other programs, although that one is the most well-known."
The man is in pain, but he cannot heal unless he faces the pain himself without help from you. "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it."
Fran, He has held it against you the type of life you have hoped for with him. He has a lot to figure out on his own, and you deserve a partner who shows interest and willingness to make it work. I think you've outlined a good plan...listen to where he's at, and don't jump in to save.
Huggg to you. You know, it sounds trite, but everything does work out for the best.
My question is this: Should I just hold out and let him walk away. He wants to but he doesn't want to and I know I could play things so that he would stay. I just don't think I should. I think I should not do anything to help him make the decision one way or the other.
two questions for you:
1. what does "play things so that he would stay" look like?
2. how does he react, when/if you have told him, "I think you need to go to alchoholics anonymous" ?
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
