Thanks all! I know i am a bit of a ghost and appreciate all contributions. Something struck me tonight that I am not sure how to handle. When is enough, enough? I know I still love W and ss! How do you know if it is real or just don't like to lose? I have been detached, and then not so much. My life still rolls pretty darn well. W is still cake eating after so long. Now I am questioning whether I am in this for the right reasons. Her family was happy to see me on easter, she actually invited my sibs over last night. A huge step! Unfortunately my sibs did not come over. But I question, am I afraid of failure? Do I truly love w? I think i do. This may sound like beginner stuff, but wrestling with it again.
How do you know if it is real or just don't like to lose?
I ask this of myself time to time and I struggle with it as well. its not beginner stuff , I think its very relevant later in the process when the rose coloured glasses come off.
I think personaly I am in this to see if W can be the supportive W I want once again , if we can build a fresh R . There are a lot of reasons this would be good but at this stage its not the problem. It may seem heartless but I think its almost a case of trying to attract them back and then deciding what to do.
For me, I looked back to the beginnings of our R. How and why we got married. How and why we became unhappy.
What I figured out was that we never really had a mature, open, loving R. W, for whatever reason, is afraid of real intimacy. I, for reasons that I am still grapling with, was willing to settle for a R that was far below my expectations, both emotionally and physically.
Once I came to these conclusions, I looked at what I really want in a partner. My W does not meet very many of the things that I am looking for and so I stopped trying to save the M.
My only advice is to go through a similar process of evaluating the past, present and potential future of your R before making any judgement.
SD.
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
It may seem heartless but I think its almost a case of trying to attract them back and then deciding what to do.
That statement rang very true for me, Dave! Very true!
Cliffy,
Sounds like you and I are both struggling with the same feelings about our W's and M's. It really is a case of finally removing those rose-colored glasses and seeing what's really there.
Hello all, been a very long time indeed. Well, not much has changed in my sitch, except that w has become more distant, spending more time with OM and friends than at home. I would say we have talked for 15 minutes in the past week. Partly due to me not being around when she was and vice versa. It seems like this has become a bit of a game to see who can find more to do apart, except when it comes to family get togethers. With that I have taken ss to her family stuff while she worked. So news has come up though. I have been extended an interview about 400 miles away from the place that we call home. I have an opportunity to pursue a career that I like, in an area that I find intriguing, and have other outside opportunities. When I look at this from face value it is very appealling, but somehow I am having second guess's as to whether I should even interview. It would truly be the end of my M and relationship with ss. My quandry becomes whether to even bring this up with W. I don't want to use it as a ploy, because I don't want her back exept under terms we could actually build a true M. I am afraid that if I deny this opportunity, another shot may be difficult. As well, I should have an opportunity closer to home, but will not find out if that opens up for another month or so. What to do? What to do? More fun and games in the world of crappy m and db. On another note, personally I am doing quite well. It is times like these that I feel so detached, but somehow afraid of finality.
Maybe this new job is just what you need to get things off the fence one way or another.
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It would truly be the end of my M and relationship with ss.
Would it? Or is it possible she would want to move with you?
Also - yes it will seriously hinder your R with SS, but there's still phone, email (if he's old enough, I forget), letters, etc. It would be more of a distant R like you might have with a cross-country nephew or something, but it wouldn't have to be over completely.
On your M - I don't necessarily agree with it but must admit I've contemplated it. One 'extreme approach' suggestion I've read to stop affairs is for you as the "non-cheating spouse" to move to another city, away from the OP. I guess you could call it the ultimate 180 and LRT!
Obviously that's quite a risk and could easily end the M. On the other hand - if she decides to move with you, it will be a very clear decision. You will know she's choosing to be with you. It will also get her away from the direct daily influence of OM.
I do think you should discuss it with her but not as a ploy, as you said. Have an open, honest, calm, and as unemotional as possible conversation about it. I know the "no R talks" rule but sometimes, I think you HAVE to have them.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Cliffy, Good to hear from you! I don't have much advice other than to say, "Follow your Path with Heart"
Originally Posted By: don Juan from The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge by Carlos Casteneda
Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions....
Does this path have a heart? If it does, the path is good; if it doesn't, it is of no use. Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.
Only you can answer the question, "Which path is the Path with Heart?"
Good Luck, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
