Me 34 H 36 He had an EA with one sexual encounter Sep 07 He confessed in October but said it was someone I didn't know We jointly (as far as I believe) agreed he would move out Separated 29/1/07 He revealed on 12/2/07 that the 'one night stand' was actually an affair with a friend of ours that babysat our 6yo daughter EA with someone different who had mental problems and latched onto him Turns into a workaholic I tried a couple of times to end the relationship between Feb and April but he begged his way back in each time I thought I was DBing between April and October. He was still a workaholic and not spending much time with us. October, he drops the bomb that it's not working adn that he was getting to be more than just friends with another girl. On 9/11/07 he tells me in a nasty phone call that things have progressed with this 'friend' adn she is now his girlfriend. On 11/11/07 he believes I am undermining his r'ship with our daughter by taking her to the beach after I refused to let him take her to the beach. He comes to the house, shoves me around, rips both phones out of the wall and threatens me with a golf club (putter....not that it matters!). I call the police. They serve him with a 24hr police order. He apologises two days later, but says "but can you understand why I got so mad?". (to me, this, among other comments shows he is not taking responsibility for his actions).
Anyways. For the last week there has been a grand total of two phone conversations that haven't ended with me as a wreck.
Please note. I am not wanting to get back with him at this stage. I want to have a working relationship with him to effectively co-parent our daughter. He has crossed several lines, and I do not trust my heart with him and I do not trust him any more (and haven't for some time).
Tonight. He says (amongst other things) that he doesn't see why I didn't ask him to help me wax my nether regions (as he used to). Instead I went to a beautician. He says you know I like doing that, why won't you let me?
??????
I am speechless.....I have never been able to set limits with this guy, and now it is biting me. Luckily d was desparate to be fed so I was able to get off the phone but I feel that I should point out the following:
we are separated you have a girlfriend now I would feel uncomfortable with that level of intimacy
His response I fear would be along the lines of "So?...."
My response other than "Duh!" could be ....what?
I obviously need to spell this out but I don't want to get on my high horse. I just want to calmly point out that this isn't appropriate any more. Is that enough?
Please help...it seems so sodding obvious to me that this should be obvious to him.
Casey This is manipulation. I know cause my X and I did it to eachother though not to the degree you are experiencing. It's a form or manipulation. Unless I deal with another manipulator (current business owner I contract with) I ceased and desisted since my past behavior is an embarassment at best.
A short excersize in discussions of these types. He who asks the questions controls the conversation. Example.
"If you went to a bar with a friend and he embarrassed you by making fun of you would you go to the bar with him the next weekend?"
Answer questions with questions. Do not make statements but formulate as questions where he is put in your shoes. This is a time of high emotions and you need to protect yourself.
Keep yourself grounded. Example H "See what you made me do!" Casey "So I have the power to make you do something? Don't you have free will?"
Try Keep the questions to where you know the answers. Little prep. Write down the statements. Best predictor of future events is past performance.
Best Wishes
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Thanks for your reply NoHill (unusual name - what's the background?). I love swimming myself and if I guess that you mean if you are swimming forward you can't go up and down hills? and what's with the Barney Rubble sig line?
Ok...asking questions is easy. Asking questions that I know that answer to - not so simple.
Let me practise hypothetically...
h: I'm hurt that you went to a beautician to get a Brazilian and didn't ask me to do it. You know how much I like doing it. me: Do you think that I might be uncomfortable with that? h: why? me: aren't we separated? H: yeah, but so? me: and aren't you seeing someone else? H: I've told you I'm just taking what I can get where I can get seeing as how you don't want to be friends with me. me:.....
When setting boundaries or communicating your needs and feelings, you need to keep it "I" centered. So, if he brings up the convo again, something like this:
H: I'm really hurt that you went to a beautician to get waxed. You know I like to do it. You: I'm sorry you feel that way. Given our sitch, I feel more comfortable going to a beautician. H: Didn't you think about how I'd feel? You: Not really. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, but it was my intention to take care of myself.
No bringing in OW, no argument, no pointing out what I loon he is. I-messages only. Don't give in to an argument or a baiting.
FWIW it seems like he feels guilty, knows he's messed up big time, and is trying to get your attention. Keep setting those boundaries...keep it in I-messages...and then, maybe in time, he'll find a clue somewhere.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I was just taking care of myself I am just taking care of myself I am looking after myself I'm sorry you feel that way. I am doing what feels most comfortable to me.
I am floored that he would even THINK that nevermind mention it. Yeesh.
I do wonder though - how did he know about it? I find it odd that he even knows the - er - uh - current status of your nether regions.
While I like SD's approach if you do talk about it - and think it's great practice for if something like this comes up again - I don't think you should even bring it up again. What would be the point?
I think I'd be more inclined to just keep on moving forward with your own life and taking care of things yourself. He may or may not get a clue - but it will likely get his attention that you're not relying on him anymore. That should help him clue in to the whole "we're not together" thing.
As for the coparenting, I'd keep your conversations on the topic of your daughter, and be sure to remain business like but friendly in those conversations. This doesn't guarantee he will do the same, but it's about the best you can do, then hope he steps up and acts like a father.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am floored that he would even THINK that nevermind mention it. Yeesh.
I do wonder though - how did he know about it? I find it odd that he even knows the - er - uh - current status of your nether regions.
Yeah...fair question...here's how he found out.
He tried ringing me yesterday to find out if my dad was ok or not (my dad had a pacemaker put in about two weeks ago)
Then he asked me about Christmas (he had 'informed' me on the w/e that he 'might' be asking his new g/f to go down to his parents place for Christmas. (i'm currenlty not planning on going...even if new g/f isn't there it's going to be awfully uncomfortable - given the reason for my posting today, who knows what's going through his head). He told me he is having d for Christmas and NY. I told him I hadn't made a final decision and that I thought it would be very uncomfortable for me to be there with him. He didn't seem to understand why I might be uncomfortable (wtf?) and accused me of 'telling everyone' about my 'ex husband', ie that I was the one sprouting about the place that we were separated and referring to him as ex instead of h. I said something along the lines of "and who have I said this to?"
He said that the lady who referred me to the beautician is actually a friend of his (I didn't know they knew each other) and she said to him that I said 'my ex used to do my Brazilian". I may have said the word ex, I may not. I can't remember. What I did say to h was "look, I don't believe I said the word ex, and I can't control how other people talk about what I say. She may have used the word ex all on her own". Thankfully, he conceded the point.
So that's how he knew about the status of my ahem 'nether regions'. Sheesh....if it wasn't so weird it'd be funny.
So that was last nights phone call which ranged in about five minutes from my dad, to Christmas plans, to 'ex husband' comments, to Brazilians, to "why won't you let me do it".
I'd like to keep the phone calls to one topic at a time, or at least have a clear indication that we have finished with one topic before getting lumped with the next one. How do I stick with the one topic without getting distracted? Also, I come across sounding patronising so easily and he gets peeved. How can I change my tone from exasperated to understanding?
I took the dog for a walk this morning and was rehearsing different lines out loud. Hope noone heard me!
H: I've told you I'm just taking what I can get where I can get seeing as how you don't want to be friends with me. me
Casey: Would you still trust a friend who betrayed you?
later answers Casey: Do you believe a friend's trust should be earned?
Be advised it will not go perfect. The other person probably has more experience in twisting the situation than you in untwisting it.
NO Hill for a swimmer was a sarcastic remark a coworker years ago would say when a problem without an appearant solution would arise. Since then I've become I believe the oldest beach lifeguard on the Gulf Coast so the name sticks. Swim in the gulf often though the Pacific or Indian Oceans probably has higher swells daily.
This technique is something to practice. You will run out of questions at first but will get better as time goes on. Basicly you are untwisting the situation a manipulator twists in order to get you to do their will. It also forces them to think in your terms.
Wish you well.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
I told his mum this morning about the police coming. I think he needs to get some help and he has been telling them that he is fine and that I am the one getting angry with him.
I hope I've done the right thing. I suspect that he is not taking his anti-depressants though I don't have any proof other than his erratic behaviour.
