Above is the link to my last thread. I am back to Manipulaton or Motivation after this past weekend. I just don't know what to think.
This was is where I left off on my last thread:
Funny...went to pick up s15 at swim practice and who calls my cell phone....H ...with a lame excuse asking if I had the toys r us flier from Sundays paper as he was wondering if they had ipods on sale there...
Hello...it is a toy store. They don't have the ipod there. He made chit chat about christmas gifts for the kids and then I told him s15 made honors at school. He was happy about that.
I won't get sucked back in from him. I really need some space. I need him to know that manipulating me won't work. I need to start fixing some of my problems and let him work on his. I just wish he would grow up and start to do so. I really do.
Anyway you slice it this MLC is for the birds...
Mopsey
Hope...I think you are right. He was making an excuse to call. I am so tired of this cat and mouse game. I just wish that he would figure it out. In the meantime, time for me.
I understand your feelings I really do. I can't give you any advice because I too am in the same boat. And you are right, this MLC thing really does s*ck!
Be strong and pray lots. We are all here for you...
TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
The only thing you really can do is just let them go and totally detach. If they come back that's great if that's what you want, if they don't, there is nothing you can do to make them come back and you don't need them anyway.
Well I kind of lost it a little today. H called me regarding d12's report card. She did terribly. He started out by asking what we can do. How do we punish her. Show her consequences....
I then lost it (a little). I told him that if he wanted to get her into a psychologist or tutoring...fine, but right now punishment is not going to work with her. She is broken right now. Both kids are broken. They are just dealing with it differently.
H then got all defensive. Saying that we can work together to fix them. I finally told him something that his sister said to him: S15 won't come back to him right now. He is not a role model for him and s15 can't handle H's behavior. It is the truth. Probably bad dbing but let's call a spade a spade.
D12....well she is just about to be a teenager and instead of being angry at H she knows his achilles is school....so she just isn't trying. I did call he guidance counselor to speak with her. We talked about some testing and some counseling.....
So he then starts to lay the...oh so now you are blaming me thing on him. Well I told him that until he fixes himself none of his R will work..especially with s15. That our kids are broken right now and he has no idea what this is doing to them. Of course he tries to tell me lots of people go through this and turn out fine....yeah fine with lots of baggage.
Anyway he called back a little later to apologize. H suggested we go to C together to try a different path. What different path. He just wants someone to try fix things so that everyone accepts his decision and is happy about it. So the kids are all well in good with him messing around with a married woman and living the life of a teenager. He has been hanging around since the summer.....and nothing worked. S15 won't come around until H can be the man he can respect and look up to that he once was.
His actions have not only affected our children's r with him but with their R with his family. I told him that s15 wants nothing more than to spend thanksgiving with H's family.
I told h that I would drop the kids off wherever his family was going to be for thanksgiving....and H replied that he has been trying to figure out thanksgiving and how we can all spend it together. He said he wanted to come cook for us but knew s15 wouldn't sit down to eat. Thanksgiving....altogether...wtf.
So who knows where his head is. H still with/back to MOW and still wants his family for thanksgiving. He is so messed up and I feel like I totally blew all of my DBing....but for him not to see how all of this is hurting our children and thinking that there is some sort of favorable way for this to end while he is out in lala land...he must be nuts.
On another front, he never went with his sister to the dr. Blew her off. He blames me because now she isn't speaking to him. UGH..why did i ever bother. Why did I think he would actually hurt himself when he is living large. No responsibilities, a wife who still wants him, a gf who wants him....bleh!
Thanks for letting me vent.
Mopsey
So,
I think I left him lots to think about...none of it good.
Took today off to be with the kids. It is teacher conference day so they are off. H came by bright and early. He had called me last night to see if I was off 1/2 or whole. I think it was just an excuse to call.
He was by for a while. I had chores to do and I had to take the dog to the vet. He was quiet but I could see him looking at me out of the corner of my eye as I was cleaning.
I think I gave him a lot to think about. I don't think it did any good but who knows. I need to get back on my feet and stand but I also am going to not be at H beckon call. I need for him to know that I am here for him but the kids and I are #1.
BND/Snodderly...if you are out there...did I blow it this time?
Well I am feeling much better today. Went to s15's parent conference last night and was told what an amazing kid he is. Every mom loves to hear that. All of his teachers adore him and that makes me feel so good. They tell me how mature he is and how his humor makes him so easy to be around. I think he is channeling his anger toward H by diving into his school work and working hard at swim practice.
On the H front...he called me this morning to check in. He smoothed things over at work so he still has his job and he has an interview for a real job tomorrow. MOW wanted him to get a real job with benefits so he is not tide to me. Who knows what will happen. He said he would let me know and I told him whatever happens...I hope he ends up with a job he loves.
I really, at this point, am still standing but am not worrying. It is all in God's hands and out of my control. I am a little concerned about Thanksgiving. I gave my dad my blessing to go to my brother's for a few days. I really feel it will be good for him to get away from this all.
H had mentioned wanting to make thanksgiving for us all but I don't think s15 would be into it.
I did ask h if I could drop the kids off to where his family would be and they can have thanksgiving with them (it would be easier for H and s15 to coexist in a crowd), but that is when he said he thought we would all spend it together.
We never resolved this and once again I will let God take control. If it is just the kids and i so be it. If something else happens...it happens. I just don't know if it will be all of us with H's family. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable and after the events of the weekend I am not sure how his sisters will react to him. UGH...why did I believe he would hurt himself...
Anyway, that's about it. Oh, the financial papers that I got aren't too bad. Once again my guardian angel dad is going to help me out. I don't know what I would do without him.
Snodderly, if you are out there I am thinking of you and praying for your dad. You have been on my mind a lot.
Thanks for letting me journal.....
If anyone has any thanksgiving advice.....please let me know. Mopsey
Mopsey, I would just plan a dinner at your house for you and the kids. That is about all you can control. If the kids end up at their relatives then that will be great at the time, but don't worry about it and let it ruin your holiday. I think it's a real positive that your H wants to spend Thanks. with his family. I am sorry your son wouldn't be approving.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks Hope: I am going to go with the flow for the holidays. It is all in God's hands. I have to trust in him.
Not sure if H said he wanted to spend it with us because at the time he was lashing out, if he was trying to manipulate me or if he has nowhere else to go. Who knows? I am tired of trying to figure him out.
I gave him a lot to think about the other day. Maybe that pushed him back into the tunnel....maybe it was me opening my eyes to his massive amounts of cake eating. Maybe his suicide cry was a major manipulative play for him. I guess I will sit back and just wait and see how it plays out. It is out of my control.
For the life of me...he left to be with this woman...why isn't he spending thanksgiving with her?
H called me at work this morning. First words out of his mouth were asking me if I had given his father a list of psychologists for h to talk to. I had not given FIL a list. I told H that i have not spoken to anyone in his family since the weekends fiasco.
H asked how his father would find out what my work insurance would cover. Finally....a lightbulb went on...his sister as well as his brother in law both work where I work. So....I know I will still get the blame for the initial contact to his family about his suicide threat (or manipulation...whatever it was) but I was not involved in this. I did tell H he should ask his dad where he got the info and he can verify it was not from me....
We politely hung up. He was not angry and did not raise his voice. I told the truth....the end.
H then called back asking if he had received a summons in the mail from the magistrate. H had some sort of traffic violation (driving with a brakelight out) and has been waiting for his summons. Not sure if the violation is the truth or if it was something else...but whatever.
I told H that I had not received it but if I do I will let him know ASAP. H said he doesn't neet to get arrested on top of all the other stuff going on.
So....who knows what this all means. Everyone agrees H needs help except H ....and he is the one that needs to want help before it will work. I am staying out of it. Focus is definately on the kids and the dog (who is feeling much better and seems to be recovering...).
Just hoping I get no spew from this. I feel so stupid I called my in-laws when I thought H was going to hurt himself. In my wildest dreams I never thought he could have been playing me.
Oh well. Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass.
